Spirit Baby

[Ilithyia]

This is a chapter from a book I am reading called 'Baby Catcher - Chronicles of a Modern Midwife' by Peggy Vincent.

This is the 2nd time I have read this book and when I came to this particular chapter its resonated with me that bit more.

Its a chapter that I've always remembered and even passed on a few times so I thought I would share it with you all. I'm sure that nearly all of us in here can resonate with Peggy's story.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I am!

Spirit Baby I

November 1983

Oakland, California


Colin, my twelve year old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnany, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned when the test came back positive, Rog and I stared at each other with doubt and ambivalance. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I'd just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery priviledges at Alta Bates, as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to him limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit another infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with that baby that was not mean to be.

Colin asked "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully he said "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because its a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother." I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my Mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyways, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she get's pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born.....now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, its always first in line. Isn't that great? So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somwhere until it finally gets born. But it'd be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well that was me. Really I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I am talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin's certainty that our household, so often boardering on choas, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn't give up and even enlisted his sister's support.

Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surrepitious swipe of hand across his cheek. Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished another discussion in which I told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers.

"Colin, I don't understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?" He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a chocking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it." It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.

So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there's no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent childrent that we "needed another baby in the house". Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed - and made the giant leap of faith.

I conceieved my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it!

[~Trish~]

I've read that book twice too, I love it

What a lovely thing to share

[HotI]

that is gorgeous

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

It's not in line with my religious beliefs - but I'm glad I'm alone in the office, because I'm sobbing. That was just beautiful, thank you for sharing

[Ilithyia]

Nawww I'm glad you all like it!

There is a part 2 but its a lot more sad so I don't think I'll put that one up. I'll just leave it up to those who like this part to buy the book!

[human bean]

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Struck a chord that's for sure. Thinking I might buy the book, thanks for sharing

[Jakabella]

I am sobbing too.. beautiful xox

[~clover~]

Thanks for sharing Sara. I love it x

[Lady_Tess]

Thank you for sharing... what a wonderful and beautiful way of seeing through the grief..

[LionsandBears]

Just saw this. It's truly beautiful. Made me cry.

[Ilithyia]

Just saw this. It's truly beautiful. Made me cry.

I'm glad you liked it Tash.

I pray that it leaves you with hope!

[Deedles]

Wow, that was just beautiful. Had a very teary moment.

[KirstenFleur]

Thank you for sharing that. It hit me very powerfully.
I won't let myself cry, but that came close to making me. Maybe next year my Spirit Baby might make it.

[Ilithyia]

to you both.



My last pregnancy wasn't planned and came at a time when there was quite some turmoil going in my relationship with my now XDP. Regardless of this fact, I embraced the pregnancy and moved forward.

When I began to bleed I spoke to my Baby and told Him that if He need leave than it was ok and I promised to come back for Him. I didnt realise until quite recently that He had passed inside me very close to the time that I spoke to him although it wasnt for some time afterwards that I was too find out that he had left my body.

I see that regardless of my partner/husband, He was my Spirit Baby and I will meet Him again one day...as promised.

[sirenz]

wow, i have goosebumps reading that. Thank you for posting it, I am currently struggling with my last loss atm because its coming up to what would be my edd, so thank you so much for posting, it has put me a little bit at ease.

[Ilithyia]

I never get tired of reading this....

[Arcadia]

Oh I love this. I have goosebumps.

I have only ever been pregnant twice, but for a long time before I had kids, I used to dream of a little baby boy called Samuel. It's funny because with both pregnancies, I knew it wasn't him, but I really hope he comes back again to be born. Somehow though I know his time with me has passed, and he went to someone else to be born.

Thanks for sharing

[JennaJayen]

This gave me goosebumps, especially thep art about the explanation of spirit babies...

After losing my first angel I had a dream that he came to me, all grown up, and took me to a place where there were all these babies lying on fluffy white cloud beds and he told me that they would all be mine, I wouldn't give birth to them all, and wouldn't be the biological mother of all of them, and not all would live to see the world, but they would all still be my babies in one sense or another...

I cherished that dream and it helped me to cope.

Thank you for sharing it hun, it really means a lot to me xx