I haven't been in this part of BB for a while. It seems once you finally get your bubba you feel the need to distance yourself from the horrible things that once were. Well, I did anyway... I have my little baby now, so there shouldn't be a problem, right?
I don't know why I'm writing this. But I need to get it out, because I never have.
Every now and again I do this to myself. I get out Jayvans photo album to imagine what once was and what could have been. I know I shouldn't. What could have been would have resulted in not having Jackson, and I can't imagine my life without his little cheeky smile in it.
It starts off with ultrasound pics. A perfect little bubba just floating around there in the womb, everything looking pretty hunky dory. I smile at these while I take note of how many months and weeks I have left of pregnancy innocence before it's all taken away from me.
The next lot are photos I didn't take, but the midwife who helped me deliver him took them for me. They're fuzzy, unfocused, grainy, and poorly printed. Really crap. I could have taken way more better photos but I didn't, because I was too chicken and after I peaked over at him laying on the bed next to me, and then being taken away in his little bassinet I never saw him again. I never touched his skin. He never felt a warm mummy cuddle. I just sent him away, wrapped in a little rug, in ultimately what was a little plastic box.
What kind of a mother doesn't touch their baby? I'll regret it every day for the rest of my life. Every. Single. Day. My first baby, who never got a cuddle, who I never told I loved him, who never had a first photo with Mummy, or Daddy, or a kiss or anything. He got nothing. How awful. Just sent on his way, to god knows where... I don't even want to think. I was even asked if I wanted a cuddle, and I said no. I didn't want to bring him back into the room because I was worried I'd upset DH. Idiot. I've cried a million tears over this. Even today, over 2 years on and I can still sit and blubber like a giant baby over my own guilt.
Then there are the next lot of photos. These ones have obviously been taken by someone who knows how to use a camera. They're posed. My sweet little man is wearing a tiny little nappy and laying with a teddy bear all bundled up with a rug (covered in pink flowers, mind you). He looks peaceful and uncomfortable all at the same time. I can make out his tiny hands, his fingers, his feet, his toes, his nose, his little lips and mouth and his eyes. I can even tell you he has those little fat rolls babies have at the tops of their legs between their inner thigh and crotch. He looks like he's sleeping. I'm grateful for these photos and bitter about them at the same time. some gorgeous soul took photos of my precious for me to cherish always. And then, Some person I didn't now got to take photos of my precious and I didn't.
I could drone on forever, really. Maybe one day I'll come to peace with my guilt. I hope so.
Jayvan, I love you, my forever baby. With every fiber of my being. Always.
I don't know the thing to say that will make you feel loved and supported and take the pain away... but you are. Forgiveness can be so hard- all I can say is be kind to yourself and treat yourself like a friend.
I am so sorry you never got to hold your little man. I know nothing I will say can take away the pain or guilt, but you were greiving when you gave birth... don't blame yourself for not being a place to be able to hold him... I cannot imagine how hard that would have been
xx
I know i have said this before and i know it doesnt help right now but it might help one day. You did what you did because for what ever reason it was right for you then. It may not be the choice you would make again if you could do it over but right there and then it was. I believe, (partly because i have to but mostly because i honestly feel it is true) that Jayvan knew how much you love him. I believe that he felt it every single day of his life.
It all sucks ultimately i think you would have regrets/ guilt regardless of any decision that you make when there is no second chance to change it iykwim.
I do remember a very wise mumma telling me that having our earth bubbas doesnt change the feelings we have for our angel baby. That wishing for our angle baby didnt mean that we didnt want our earth baby or that we would want to change anything about earth baby at all. I guess what im trying to say to you ( in a really uneloquent way!!) is that what you are feeling is normal
Wow this has turned out quite different to how i wanted it to but I'm here, but i hope you already knew that.
I know you Love Jayvan and Jackson for that matter more than words can say.(so do I!!)
And i guess i might love you a little bit too.. ( just dont tell too many people they might get jealous!)
hun.. i know nothing i could say will make it all better, i know it wont take away the hurt or frustration.
Your an amazing mummy to BOTH of your boys, please don't dwell on the things you think you should have done differently, it was a hard and emotional time and you coped the best you could.
I honestly don't know how you beautiful women ever do it, you hold a strength most don't possess and i think your amazing, truly amazing!
Your one of the first people i added from BB on FB, i love watching your little man grow and i think your a fantastic mother.
Oh honey...
Don't feel guilty, you did what you had to do to get through it...
Jayvan knows you love him and that he is with you always...
Love ya chick - big massive hugs
Reply With QuoteI don't know what to say.
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