My DH has decided that he does not want us to have any more children. I did know that he was happy with what we had but we had decided that one more would be nice. Then i had the ectopic. It ruptured and the OB did really drill it into DH that if i had been anywhere else instead of the hospital OR i would have died.
But now i feel that all the rules have changed. I really really really want another baby and i have had it in the back of my mind that i would hopefully sometime soon get to hold another baby. Now i have all these feelings coming up. I dont want to end my reproductive life with this feeling of loss. I feel so empty. When i had my first MC all that kept me going was that i fell again quickly and had a beautiful little girl to hold. I have always been able to look back and think, if i hadnt lost that one i wouldnt have Evie...... I know its not right to not greive this one in the hope that i how have had another. I miss that one so much. Now i feel that i have to mourn the loss of never having another baby to hold.
I cant even let myself think about it and i know that people will say to just give him time, but he sounds so sure. Also we have always said that we would stop TTC in november so that there wasnt a huge gape between the kids, so if i give him time then times up. And i only have one tube so the time is halved before we start..
I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It must be very difficult for you to think of ending your reproductive journey on a loss.
Do you think his decision on further children has been marred by chance of fatality from the ectopic?
I wonder if it is worthwhile looking at counselling for you both to work through this...
Lots of for you, hopefully you and your husband can come to an understanding or agreement down the track.
I had a few complications during birth...nothing major and nothing like what you experienced but DP always says he doesnt want anymore kids incase something happens to me. Maybe thats how your DH feels. I think dragoncookie hit the nail on the head, talk to someone else about the actual reality of another pregnancy, maybe he just needs his mind put at rest. hugs to you!
I wish their was an easy answer, maybe talking with another OB and getting a second opinion might help? Did the OB say that if you were to fall pregnant again that you have a higher risk of ectopic?
FWIW my SIL lost both her tubes and with the help of IVF she now has 3 children, is IVF an option? as I understand it they put the embryo (I apologise if this isn't the right wording) into the right spot so you would be less likely to have an ectopic.
Tegam I could have written a similar thing myself. I think there is some healing for a loss when you have another baby for example (not saying it does completely but does put some things into perspective and you can close the page on a positive note)
Really thinking of you and praying your DH doesn't hold true to his word.
Kelebec: yes there is now a much higher chance of having another ectopic. So much so that the OB gave me a US referal s if i fall pregnant i can have a scan at 5-6weeks to see where it is..... There would be no chance of IVF for DH and i. We are lucky and have kids so i dont think we would ever enter that hard road.
Dragon & Beckos: there is no chance that DH would go and talk to anyone about it. Hes feelings are "We have delt with everything else in our life together why would we need some stranger now...."
I get that he is worried about me and would like me to be here for the family forever but that doesnt stop him from flying planes IYKWIM, should i never be allowed to cross a road again??
Just still so in shock that this might be it..... Arms and heart are so heavy and empty. Cant explain that to him. I wish i could stop feeling like this but its too soon i guess.
Thanks for reading the rambelings of an emotional women....
But i dont think its over yet. Your DH had a big scare. Men are meant to put the health of their wives above their children, (and women put the children above everything). Remember that he is doing this out of instinct and love. My DH was so worried about me after my ectopic, I got mad at him for not greiving the life we'd lost. He does still want kids so badly but he is so scared to try again in case something else happens to me.
Hmm, I just wrote the bit below and then realised it's a bit opinionated and preachy. Sorry about that, I do tend to get a bit that way. But I promise it's written with love. I hope it helps a little but feel free to ignore it!
It's got to be an ongoing discussion. As he recovers from the scare and as you move along your greiving process, keep talking. It may be that your desire, while intensely strong now, might be overtaken by practicalities. But it may also be that your desire stays strong and your DH will see that another child is what you need to make you happy and his desire to make you happy will overtake his need to keep you safe.
I know you feel you're running out of time, but i think that a few months extra between your kids is worth it to make sure you're really happy with your decision. And I guess that will be one of the practicalities you've got to weigh up as you talk it out.
And through it all, if nothing else, it will be an exercise in open, honest communication and (hopefully not too much) conflict resolution. Which can only make you stronger. It's important to approach the decision as a team, both thrying to figure out what's best for your family, not as two sides fighting for their way.
But for now, lots of big hugs cos I know it's so so hard and you must be emotionally raw right now.
Oh Lozzy Mac....Thanks for your post. It was good to read and yes it is totally hard to remember to be a team and not on opposite sides! And yes emotions are so raw!
I am so sorry to read your signature! The ectopic and then this month the loss at 9 weeks. You must be in so much pain and you have taken the time to write back to me! Thank you. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer two losses so close together!
Oh Tegam, I am so so sorry. Both for your loss, and for your DH's sudden disinterest.
I want to give you some hope though.
I suffered a mc at almost 8 weeks in my first (unplanned) pg. My DP was adamant he didn't want that baby, and for the last 2 years since our loss, has flip flopped between 'someday' '5 years' 'NEVER' and 'I don't think I'd be a good father.'
A few months ago, he said never with such certainty, I honestly thought I would be childless, or leaving him. I gave it time, just stayed quiet (so hard when your body and heart is screaming for a baby....), and all of a sudden one day he says he's ready. He asked me to tell him when I'm ready, and we can go ahead.
I was floored! He seemed so sure, I was sure there was no hope for a turnaround.
We'll be ttc when my bcp's run out in May. And he seems genuinely into the idea of being a daddy.
I know it's hard, but stay strong and give it a little bit of time. He really might come around. I'm sure he's just terrified of what might happen to you after that idiot doctor scaring him like that. So unneccesary.
I have my fingers crossed for you. If my stubborn DP can change his mind.... there is hope for you.
Stay strong, and hugs to you in this difficult time. We're all here for you, anytime you need to talk. <3
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The rules have changed
for you, hopefully you and your husband can come to an understanding or agreement down the track.
hugs to you!
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