Wow can't believe I am here again............

After saying goodbye to Hugh in August we thought hard about trying again....... and we decided that we would try again, so when I found out I was pregnant I was so joyed but so scared at the same time... especially when I worked out our due date to be in August and I hate August (as you can see in my sig).... so after having a scan on Thursday to make sure bubs was in the right spot, the tech said we measuring 6 weeks not 7 weeks and not to be worried about it (but I was!)... On the Friday I started spotting, so the began the panic.... Though I had spotted in other pregnancies- this felt different... It got worse on Sat and the cramping began on Christmas day....... So I tried not to let it get me down as the kids were so excited about Christmas, went to bed with really bad cramps that night- lit a candle for Hugh and asked him to watch over us.......

Woke up on Boxing Day and that when the bleeding really started..... Went to local doc who wrote me a letter to take to hospital.... Mum arrived from Syd for our annual Boxing Day lunch, so she took the kids for us ..... Waited 4.5 hours in ED during that time **TMI*** I went to the toilet and this big clot came out and when I looked at it I could see a tiny sack - my baby ..... I gently wrapped him up and put him in my bag - sorry if that sounds weird but I couldn't allow him to be flushed away or put in the bin!! I just couldn't so I am going to bury him....

Finally got taken to antenatal and it was confirmed that we had miscarried..... The doc was so nice to me, gave me some pain relief and explained that I miscarrying naturally and come back next week for a check up.... And there is not reason to try again...... so we left hospital after 6 hours empty and broken again

Try again, I really don't think that I can..... I know that I am sooooo lucky to have DS and DD, but to have another buba pass it's too much to bear....

I know things have just happened but it hurts so much, that my heart hurts and it hurts to breathe

thanks for reading and please don't judge me or think I am weird for taking my baby home -please

xx