Deep breath. I have some questions but I hope you don't mind, I also just want to express my thoughts.

I've lost my innocence. I never thought I'd be writing in here. I just had an early miscarriage and until now my biggest worry was that it would take ages to conceive a sibling for DD as she was the product of a long time TCC. I didn't expect to fall pregnant only four months after my breast feeding cycles became regular again only to lose it.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to feel so upset because I wasn't far along. In fact I don't like saying how far along I was for that reason. But I will because it was still a real pregnancy and I just bled out real human (or pre-human) tissue. I was only 4 weeks 2 days but this bubba implanted very early as I was over the moon to test positive with a hpt only 8 days past ovulation. And my dates weren't out. So I was testing almost every day and getting proper positives (they were definitely getting darker overall though some days were lighter) for days for seven days in a row. AF due date came and went. On the morning of 14 dpo (Thursday, one day after AF was due) I got a quick pregnant 1-2 weeks with a Clearblue digital. I felt relaxed and I was secretly proud of this poppy sized bubba because he implanted so early! He must be eager, he must be strong.

Then Friday morning I wiped after the toilet and there was a tiny bit of blood. Pink and watery. Of course I freaked out but was hopeful. My baby implanted over a week ago, he must be well and truly comfortable now! But I couldn't go to a doctor (I hadn't even been to confirm the pregnancy yet) because we had to catch a plane to the other side of the country for a wedding in a tiny town. On the plane my bleeding increased and I cramped a little bit. By that night my cramps were too uncomfortable to ignore and I was bleeding like a normal period. I knew what was happening as usually my period cramps are only slight and this, while not overtly 'painful' was highly uncomfortable. My uterus and lower back felt tense and heavy like someone had hung heavy, heavy weights from them. The next morning I saw bits of what must have been the embryo (pre-embryo? What stage is the egg at by 4 weeks 2 days?) as it looked like real matter, not just clotty blood. By Sunday afternoon the slate had been wiped clean already- not even a shadow of a line on my hpt.

So it was a real life already- I saw the evidence in my blood. But I have a question- if baby implanted so early (it must have been 5-6 dpo to get a positive the night of 8dpo) and I was getting good positives for 7 days, then what happened? Is it still a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks 2 days? Is it still a chemical if I'm pregnant and testing positive for 7 days? Baby definitely implanted.

I'm still interstate. It's ironic- I'm with family but I can't share what happened. My parents are so joyous to see us and spend time with their littlest granddaughter that I don't want them to fret. They have a lot on their plate with my brother anyway, that's a whole other story. And I'm here for a wedding, the morning after 'the miscarriage' I went to a wedding and tried to control my tears as the sublime happiness and palpable love of the couple but so bittersweet to me. Oh what it means to be human- divine love and happiness, excruciating heartache.

I haven't even been to a doctor because I'm not in pain anymore and my hpt is clear already. Besides I'm on the other side of the country. It's like it never happened.