Hi Becc and Welshgirl,

Today was not a good day for me. Ivy and Noah put on more weight, which is good, Ivy 60g and Noah 30g but I am struggling to understand the midwives. They swap and change the regime on me all the time. They changed them to 4th hourly feeds to encourage them to wake and feed properly, in the hope that their suck feeds would be just that, with no top ups. So now, they start demanding every three and a half hours, which I thought that is what the whole aim of the game was but tonight the midwife who was looking after them, complained that they NEVER make it to the four hours, especially after I BF them! When I got there for the 6pm feed, they were both awakse and demanading. Nobody came to help me, NO ONE! At home, I would have Dave or a bouncer, at least that I could put the second hungry baby in but not in the nursery, all I have is the nurses. So I nursed Noah, while I fed Ivy and had no quality time with her. I had to plonk her into her crib straight away because Noah was demanding and screaming, so of course she threw up half her dinner because she didn't get a chance to be burped properly. Noah did his usual and fed for a while, he doesn't attach properly sometimes and we have to work really hard at it. Again, nobody comes near me. I think because I am a midwife they think I know or don't need help or something but I am left to sort out the BF issues on my own. After he fed well for 25 minutes he pulled off but was still fidgety. That is when the midwife told me I should top him up because of the inconvenience of him demanding before his four hours are up. I'm tired, I have not eaten, gone to the toilet or had a drink of water. I say, ok if you think that is what he needs... but she makes no move to get me the bottle, no move to help me, instead she sits down at the desk and says, so you'll get that, won't you? Grrrr! So I think to myself, no I want to BF this baby and he is learning to expect a top up after ever BF and I am not going to do that this time, I am going to make him feed from the breast. He is 36 weeks, he is a good size, he is still looking around and is not tired. I reattach him and he sucks for another 20 minutes. When he is done he is asleep, relaxed and looks as though he is full. When I put him in his crib he possets a small amount of breast milk, so I know he is ok. The midwife asks me if I gave him the top up and when I say no, that I reattached him and he fed well she has a major crap attack! Then I get upset and say, fine I will stay until the next tube feed and if they demand before I will tend to their feed. But that is unacceptable too because the next tube feed is right when hand over is on and you are not allowed in the NICU when hand over is on.

Tonight I am feeling down and fed up with the whole thing. No wonder women have a greater incidence of PND when they have a premmie baby. I think I will just call the doctor now and ask him to medicate me BEFORE it all gets out of hand.

So sorry for the vent, had to get it off my chest, will post more when I am not feeling so angry with the world, have to go and express now anyway...*SIGH*