I'm really struggling tonight. It's probably partly hormones I guess. I'm trying so hard to stay calm, positive & have faith this time around and for the most part I am doing well but every now and again I get completely overwhelmed with fear about losing this pregnancy too. It's usually when I have a twinge or a cramp, I just can't cope with it without thinking the absolute worst. I want this so much that it terrifies me. I can't fathom going through it again and yet I know it's a distinct possibility given our history.

I want to go for an early scan but I am absolutely petrified at the same time and feel like avoiding it too I'm not even sure what the point of this is, we haven't really told anyone this time around so I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it, I guess I'm just venting and trying to clear my head. I think this week is really challenging for me because we are coming up to the point where I started to miscarry last time. I know logically there is no reason to expect that if anything were to happen it would happen this week, but it feels like a looming milestone none the less. I so need to get a grip or this will be a long 9 months!