This time 3 years ago...

[Inanna]

I was attatched to what seemed a billion machines that went beep, with a nurse sitting by my bed so I couldn't even fart in private.

You hadn't moved for more than 12 hours & I refused all doppler exams or palpations of my abdo. The psych came but I still refused. I just didn't want to know that you were dead.

My friends filled my room & gave me a bedside blessingway & pasted up on the walls all of these gorgeous messages & all of them are in a treasure box I will cherish forever.
Annie sat with me & we cried, laughed & cried together. The pain was excruciating & sometimes I passed out with it. My central line crapped itself and needed to be replaced. My clotting levels were so scary that I was given product. A chaplain came.

My husband didn't - it was too far to drive...

The next day Kirsten arrived happy on the outside but I know her well enough to see her trepidation. She was the only one who could with authority say I wasn't a nutter I just thought she was dead & there was no point in knowing until the c/section.

Kirsten did the ctg & when I heard your heartbeat I was so shocked I shrieked. I couldn't believe it.

The surgery was taking way too long & despite Kirstens Dr face I could see her worry - her hand squeezed mine & they diverted my attention to the Jacaranda tree outside the window & the beautiful purple flowers. I imagined a meditation I know & watched them, counted them falling... I focused on the candles I knew were burnig from wonderful BB members, other friends, he circle at school. I knew we had positive Energy on our side. The midwife had tears in her eyes & the anesthetist joked about my hippy music... He nervously asked if John wanted the GA right about now... I yelled NO! Then I said YES! I didn't want to know you'd died, oryour heart had failed. I tried to stay present & fought with wanting to run. Sylvana was waiting outside the door & I could hear her saying: "it's taking too long"...

Too much knowledge is a great curse at times...

You were born after a very long time - too tiny for me to even see. John said as he lifted you from my body: "she's making noises - can you hear her mate? she's alive! "she's much smaller than we thought - let's move fast guys'...

I cried so much my body writhed so violently that he had to sedate me some to complete the surgery. I bled a lot but all I cared about was my little person on that table. They kept shouting reports that she was doing well - she was cute - she had a cute nose - she went to NICU & I don't think there has been a time in my life that I felt so happy.

The day nearly 4 months later when I carried you up the front stairs & sat on the couch with you at my chest I felt like I had run a marathon that I would never recover from. I have never really understood love until I became a mother.

I never really understood loss until I became a mother.

I never really understood what blessings I have in my life until you were born to me Imogen Gail. I love you with such a deep unmoving devotion.

I believe without you I would not have made it through these past 3 years. You have given me more strenth, happiness, love, pleasure than you could ever begin to know.

Thankyou! I saw your face in the clouds - literally in January 2007 I knew you were coming. What I didn't know is what you would teach me & how beautiful you would be.

Happy 3rd birthday tomorrow gorgeous. xxx