I never thought of the impact the question "Is she your first" would have. But of course, it would be a horrible question to face. It is wonderful that you have Shae as a part of your family now, but that does not take away the fact that you do have another little girl.

she feels like a substitute for the one i lost, while i love her dearly i have referred to her by her big sisters name and it tears me up.
Maybe as time goes on and Shae grows into her personality a bit more you will find it easier to see her as her own person, all the while remembering Nikita in her own way. It is only natural to feel as you do and confuse their names. To me, it makes me think that Nikita is a strong presence around you and I think that is lovely.

FWIW, even if it seems that people have forgotten Nikita, please remember that she has not been. I often think of Nikita believe it or not. I was really moved by your story and Nikita has a little place in my heart too. I know that may not mean much as we don't actually know each other, but, she is remembered.

Take care, and love to your family, the whole lot of you, over Christmas. x