I feel it`s about time that I got this all out, hopefully once I do I`ll feel better about being a Mummy.

After 12 months of getting up to Adrian up to 7/8 times a night (some nights have been 13 times) I have finally cracked due to lack of sleep, I can`t catch up during the day as the boys don`t usually coincide their sleep and if they do I`m trying to tidy the house as it`s the only chance I have.

Anyway yesterday afternoon I finally had enough with Adrian`s sleeping problems, it didn`t help that he was awake continually for 1.5 hours crying during the night, it was more of a complain I don`t want to go to sleep cry and the last few days he`s also decided he`s no longer having a day sleep.

To get to my point, I`m taking Mark away for a week to the Gold Coast to celebrate his 40th Birthday (Friday), we`re flying up today, I had booked it before we had our first family holiday in September and since then our lives have changed which has seen us buy a caravan which we use on a monthly basis for a couple of days so this great present I thought I had for him is no longer that great as he`s now getting breaks off the farm. Mark was told about going to the Gold Coast yesterday afternoon, he commented that he doesn`t like Qld at this time of year.

So this started my tears (this post isn`t about Mark I just wanted to let you know what started my tears off iykwim) and the tears continued, then Matthew started his usual of wanting HIS WAY with everything and hitting and yelling at me, (I was trying to tidy up after dinner you know the usual, washing dishes etc) then Adrian started being clingy, crying and here I am yelling at them (which seems to be a common day occurence these last few days), while this is happening Mark is sitting in the bean bag watching TV without a care in the world, sometimes it would be nice if he stepped in and played with them for a few minutes, it would certainly take the strain off me.

I eventually totally snapped when I finally got to sit down and Matthew comes up and yells at me and demands I get what he wanted right this minute, next thing Adrian is at me crying I think because he sees Matthew being silly with the yelling, I then get up and scream at them both that I`ve had enough of them and I storm into my room to have another cry, while I`m in there the boys are quite upset wanting Mummy, in my heart I wanted to go and give them a cuddle and remind them that Mummy does love them but I was just beside myself I couldn`t do it, after about 5 or so minutes Mark did ask the boys why are they crying WTF he was in the room at the time!!!!

I feel like a dreadful Mother now, I love my boys dearly, they bring great joy to my life and are very loving little boys but just somedays it gets all too much then I start thinking I don`t have 5 minutes to myself, they get up when Mark and I get up, they go to bed when we go to bed (which I think is far too late but I`m only one person trying to do everything) I guess if I reorganise what method I do things at night I could get them to bed earlier, Matthew would be okay but Adrian I can see him not wanting to go to bed until I do, during the day my life is all about them and what they want to do, I have to spend most of my day outside with them so things don`t get done inside, then I get upset because xyz hasn`t been done.

I`m even starting to think that I want to wean Adrian but my heart tells me no I had set a goal to 20 months but I feel that maybe if I weaned him he might sleep through at night, I`ve also been told this by a number of people lately.

I feel so alone when I`m up to Adrian at night, I know there are many mothers out there who are doing exactly the same thing so I shouldn`t really be complaining but I just feel it`s starting to affect my whole life.

Sorry this is such a ramble, I`ve been awake since 2.30am.

I just feel so bad that I yelled at my boys and didn`t go to them when they needed me, I know lack of sleep has played a big part but there is no excuse for me to do what I did to them, I feel like I have scared them for life

I better get moving have to be out of here to the airport by 10.30am and I have a million things to do. I do feel better for getting this out.