Mummy Guilt Culture - Protecting or Patronising

[Teeki]

I think I'm one that kind of 'sugar coats' when others bring up these topics about their own children. Eg at Mother's Group people speak about when to wean, or basically when to introduce formula. Most have introduced formula by 6 months. I'm happy to say I won't be weaning until DD chooses to and I give my reasons, but I don't feel comfortable saying something along the lines of "ideally mothers should exclusively breastfeed for six months, with the child naturally weaning, and I don't believe formula should be introduced as it is unnecessary and increases the risk of health problems now and down the track."

I don't want to be seen to be judging other mothers, because I'm not. They can make their own choice, but I sometimes feel as though when I present facts that are opposing the choice they want to make, I'm seen as preachy. This happened in a discussion of turning baby seats - my DD is the only one still rear facing, and when I said it was because of the risk of internal decapitation and that I'd leave her rear facing as long as possible, the response I got was "well the law says 6 months, so if s/he wants to sit up then that's what I'll do. S/he's happier now s/he can see out the window." I just left it, but I certainly felt as though I my opinion was not at all wanted!

P.s. I was super excited to see aa reply to this

Sent from my GT-P7510

Eta: Then again, I'm not a health professional. I certainly feel that health professionals should give all the facts so that we can make the best possible choices for our little ones.

[onthefly]

Armadillo is in the house!

I really hope that the more we talk about biological norms the closer we will come to 'flipping' things back again. The language we use is really important.

[Gigi]

Kaytee, IRL, i was usually in situations, where i was the ONLY mum breastfeeding, using MCN, delaying rearfacing carseats, not doing CIO etc etc. i really relate to what you said.

i did not have the energy to be the educator of the mums around me, and i quickly learnt, no-one was interested in other ways of doing things, the amount of aggression i encountered if i mentioned anything else - quickly got me to keep quiet, and just plug away at doing what i was doing with my baby.

it took all my energy to maintain my own beliefs WITH MY OWN CHILD, as i copped so much flack from health profs, strangers in shops, let alone people i actually knew (to wean from five months onwards, to use disposable nappies, to use CIO, etc etc) IRL. i had to find some kind of support for what i was doing, which i found online, to keep me sane.

I never preached using MCN to anyone, but i noticed two mums who must have watched me at mum's group, later used MCN with their 2nd babies, so who knows, maybe i had an impact in a quiet way. My tack was "don't bring up subject yourself, but if anyone shows interest and sounds positive - then share info". I learnt "not to get into it" with aggressive people who just wanted to "take a shot".

it was hardest when i had a baby with sleep issues at 19 months old, when i was getting "put her on formula and it'll all right itself" from all quarters (IRL).

[meow]

I 100 & 10% agree with you.

Based on my knowledge now I believe my son has autism because of me. You know what, that hurts. It certainly makes me wish I had known more before and I could have avoided him going through what he is experiencing. BUT it is also empowering. Because I am open to that knowledge I understand WHY is autistic and HOW we can fix it.

If I could turn back time, I would. But I can't so there is no point wallowing in guilt or denying the truth so we just get on with making things better.

[Arcadia]

Sorry feeding at keys (fak) so I have to be brief.

Guilt comes from judgement, either perceived or real, and until we can spread information in an unbiased way there will always be an implied judgement about the information. A breastfeeding mum can't be unbiased about the risks of formula any more than a formula feeding mum is unbiased about the difficulties of breastfeeding.

I encounter this with vaccination and home birth and many other parenting decisions.

My main issue is that breastfeeding is the MINORITY, so the message about its benefits has to be loud. But who is able to give that information in an unbiased way. I'm so sick of hearing about the 'breastapo' or breastfeeding nazis (aside from the insulting aligning of breastfeeding advocates and mass murderers) because the insinuation is that to be impassioned is to be militaristic and dictatorial - because no one likes being 'told' what to do.

If we just looked at what was biologically normal and accepted that, we might come a long way in parenting, and then those who 'have' to choose hospital births or formula are actually doing it because there is a real need, rather than just a cultural assumption that 'thats what you do'.

[purplepixie1978]

Wow, I wish I had known that before. Yet another thing to tell my Mum and sister when they tell me to "just give him/her a bottle" next time. People need to know these things! We do so many other things to reduce SIDS risk (provide education I mean), why not this?

Gigi, I'm with you - I tend to step back and if people show interest in MCN I'll give them the info they need to get going. Even though I wasn't a successful breastfeeder with DD I have educated myself so friends who have had babies recently I have been able to help with tips to increase supply etc... I just hope I can be as supportive of myself next time!

[Trillian]

Hi Armadillo and welcome!

I think I'm one that kind of 'sugar coats' when others bring up these topics about their own children. Eg at Mother's Group people speak about when to wean, or basically when to introduce formula. Most have introduced formula by 6 months. I'm happy to say I won't be weaning until DD chooses to and I give my reasons, but I don't feel comfortable saying something along the lines of "ideally mothers should exclusively breastfeed for six months, with the child naturally weaning, and I don't believe formula should be introduced as it is unnecessary and increases the risk of health problems now and down the track."

I don't want to be seen to be judging other mothers, because I'm not. They can make their own choice, but I sometimes feel as though when I present facts that are opposing the choice they want to make, I'm seen as preachy. This happened in a discussion of turning baby seats - my DD is the only one still rear facing, and when I said it was because of the risk of internal decapitation and that I'd leave her rear facing as long as possible, the response I got was "well the law says 6 months, so if s/he wants to sit up then that's what I'll do. S/he's happier now s/he can see out the window." I just left it, but I certainly felt as though I my opinion was not at all wanted!

Kaytee, I don't think you sugar coated things, I think you realised that the group you were with wouldn't be receptive to a debate on the subject, so you gave your reasons for doing what you do and left it at that. Sugar coating would have been to say "Oh yeah, using formula is just as good as breastmilk" and validate their choices for them.

I totally agree with using anything you are told, even if it hurts, for future reference. However, I still think there is a time and a place to share that knowledge. I never felt guilt about the choices I made, but there was still an internal struggle to come to terms with the choices if that makes sense. So if anyone had of said to me at that point in time when things were still a bit raw, I would have told them to bugger off. Not that I wouldn't appreciate being told, but rather that I have too much going on to accept the information. But at the same time I wouldn't like things sugar coated or be patronised, I would prefer they are just not said at the time.

[Lenny]

Eta: Then again, I'm not a health professional. I certainly feel that health professionals should give all the facts so that we can make the best possible choices for our little ones.

You are right. Good on you for not rocking the boat at your mum's groups! However, if someone in you mum's group asked you specifically for help or advice, then i'm sure you'd be able to gently let them know all the things you have learned.
We need the information from our medical professionals and our governing bodies etc. It needs to be published a easily accessible. (Funding anyone?)