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Thread: Need some advice - Nothing is working

  1. #1

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    Default Need some advice - Nothing is working

    This is going to be long.....



    Evan is 4 & the last few weeks (lets say a month) I have noticed that he is pushing his boundarys. I am ok with this as I realise its just part of growing up etc, plus he would know that I am not as capable of running after him & that I am tired, short tempered etc because I am pg. BUT my problem is, he has always been better behaved with DH. I know this happens alot in alot of families. But I just don't know what to try anymore. There are a few things we (I) have trouble with. 1st we brought upon ourselves, We have always allowed & even encouraged to some degree for Evan & also Glenn to explore things, touch things, open & see how it works etc. This is fine at home as if we don't want it touched etc, its out of reach or out of sight. But this is proving to be a real problem at other peoples houses. Its actually even becoming a bit of a problem at home, now that Evan can reach door handles etc. How do we get him to understand that its not ok to do this. Its hard I know we have allowed it but now I think its backfired & he has no idea of boundarys. I said to DH today that we will not be allowing the same to happen with the new baby ( or future babies) as its now turned into bad behaviour.

    I have a problem with the way DH handles Evans behaviour. I will use tonights (reason for posting) episode as an example. We let Evan watch Myth bUsters, but all through the show he was being silly, He was told a number of times to just sit & be still as its time to settle as its bed time soon. Bed time rolls round & so I get up ok, teeth, toilet etc. Yet DH askes where is the flood light? What for? He wants to go & load some stuff into the wheely bin. I said rather to the point, "can't that wait till later" NO! Anyway so of course Evans starts, whats daddy doing, whats daddy doing I wanna see. I have to Drag him into the bathroom to go to the toilet, I have to hokd his head & brush his teeth for him. As soon as I let him go So I can do Glenn he is at the back door "Daddy Daddy". Both I & DH keep saying NO you can't go out, its bed time. He starts chucking a wobbly & I said to him that if he doesn't come to bed now then there is no story & he can go to bed on his own. after a good 5 mins of this I had had enough & said fine, No story & you can go to bed by your self. he was still at the back window watching DH calling to go outside. I thought OH Well if DH wants to choose a stupid time to do that, he can deal with Evan. So I took Glenn to bed & shut the door behind me. Eventually DH comes in with Evan & asks me to move over for Evan (We have a double onthe bottom of the bunks & Evan will normally sleep down there with Glenn) I said No he was told he had to sleep on his own tonight. Evan got all upset & DH said Mum will move. I again said No he was told. DH said Oh come on Fiona you can't keep treating him like this he is 4. YES he is 4 & gets away with alot more then he should, he is 4, old enough to listen & do as he is told & old enough to go to bed on his own if he can't listen. But I do move over. Dh said to Evan if he says sorry then I will give him a cuddle. But he didn't so I just layed with my back to him like I was & eventually he went to sleep & I got up.
    Now here is the problem. DH thinks I shouldn't get angry with him as it just makes things worse. I can see his point & yes I do get get angry with Evan easily, But only because he doesn't listen & I only seem to get any response for him if & when I yell at him & get angry. Where Dh will try & distract him or make a game/be silly to get him to laugh etc. Personally I don't think that helps any. I think by turing things into a game when Evan is being a **** that its just telling Evan, carry on like a brat & we'll all have a fun game. To me if I say don't do this etc then don't do it! if you can't listen & I say well fine no story & bed by yourself then thats what should happen. Yet in comes DH & while Evan did miss out on astory he didn't go to bed by himself. So its just gone against my ruling.
    He had a, wont say "argument" about it, it was more a discussion once he was asleep & DH thinks I need to change how I deal with it. Its not fair though, How am I meant to deal with the way Evan carries on when I am home on my own with teh boys & a newborn! DH just doesn't seem to get it, he sees it happening yet thinks I just automatically jump on Evan like an angry moster. But really it has been a good 10 minutes of telling him NO NO NO & getting Your Stupid or SHut up thrown back at me as well as him just going ahead & doing what ever it is I am saying no about. Liek I said I only seem to get a response when I raise my voice to breaking point.

    I dunno what I am meant to do! I really need some advice. I have a4 yr old who wont listen, A DH who thinks I am going about it wrong, A 2yr old who is startign to copy what the 4 yr old is doing & a newbaby that was due today, on its way.

    I can just see Evan becoming a little brat! The stupid noises & ner ner little bugger things are starting tohappen as well. I will tell him something & he will reply with YEAH YEAH. Or like earlier today he was told not to touch the lawn mower, so he was poking his bum out & his tounge & just being silly with these stupid noises, But he was being cheeky. So of course When I tell glenn to not touch he starts too, tongue poking out & ner ner ner ner!

    Another thing Evan has started which I am not sure how to deal with. He will hurt himself, nothing major like bump his hand or step on a toy. yeah sure enough to hurt, but still only siomething that he would normally go Ouch & keep going. but now he will SCREAM & just keep screaming. the other day he did this was running around the table just going off like a mental case. It wasn't till I literally had to scream back at him to stop. that he did stop & was able to tell me what happen. After what seemed like he just cut his leg off, he wasn't even crying & just said he hurt his jaw. He was fine, happy as larry with in moments of stopping running around like a headless chicken!

    God, what else! I am sure there is plenty of lots of little things but we'll start with that lot. So please if you have any suggestions on how to beat this stage & come out at the other end with a happy house hold, please share!

  2. #2

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    First things first you need to have DH on the same page or its not going to work. I really believe in parenting unitedly. Its the most successful way because its consistant. If there's two sets of rules and either parent undermining or overbearing another its not going to work. Maybe you can come to some comprimise with your DH and say ok we'll try it my way for a week and see how it goes. I bet if you can both work together you'll notice a difference. Also I think this has very much to do with the fact you are 40 wks pregnant and you are not yourself and they are clever little cookies and would pick up on that. Also change is huge for kids so that would definitely be playing a part too. Maybe try alternate ways to combat bad behaviour I'm not sure what you do now? But paris will often have quiet time in her room if she's being silly or not listening. Then we'll talk it through etc. Another thing is to make sure that if there is a type of behaviour that isn't ok after the situation has cooled or calmed follow it through, talk it out so its understood and perhaps have them (as their age permits) talk back to you about the situation and whats ok behaviour and whats not. This can be all very time consuming but it does work and it is worth it. The other thing too is to praise them for doing the good behaviour especially when they aren't expecting it, so if you see them playing nicely or when Evan does listen (even if its something minute) tell him you're really happy that he did x and you are proud of him etc. So that it feels good to do the good stuff. Its kinda like an emotional reward. And if he's a physical kid walk past and give him a tickle or a cuddle or whatever it is that he might like if he's not into words.

    Thats all I can suggest for now I'll come back and add more later and feel free to tell me tried that done that NEXT lol!

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  3. #3

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    Thanks Cailin,
    I think your right, i do know that it is that I am 40 weeks pg. Now that I have slept on it etc (not that Glenn made it a very good sleep). I can see that last night was a one off of sorts. Yes he can be naughty but not as bad as it seems in my OP. Even DH kept saying he couldn't understand why I was so annoyed because Evan is usually a good kid.
    I think a big part of it as well, is that I was talking to SIL earlier in the day & her kids (younger then Evan) have a naughty corner & are made to go to bed on their own etc & do as they are told. So I am thinking god what have we done, Evan is a spoilt little brat who gets away with everything.
    But really, SIL's kids are somewhat more "Bratty" then Evan & as far as going to bed by them self. Well we made the choice not to parent that way & things will progress to a less time consuming bed time etc when Evan is ready. DH pointed out, Evan has slept between us since he was 7 months old & that fact that he so easily moved from out bed to one he could share with Glenn is really good.
    We do try & sit him down and ask if he knows why he is in trouble & most of the time he does talk about it & will give reason for why he was doing it. But I guess he isn't quite old enough to understand why that was bad. Its not too bad with it, but some times he will say I hit glenn because Glenn was doing this. So I will try & explain to him that its not his job to hit Glenn, but it is his job to tell mum or dad if Glenn is being naughty so we can see what he is doing. His reply is Yeah but Glenn was beingn naughty.
    So its hard to get him to understand that its wrong because he thinks it was ok. He have actually made him Boss of "honey" the cat & "Zoe" to try& help him understand that Mum & Dad are the Boss of Evan & Glenn & He is the boss of the cat & the dog. Seems to have helped a bit.
    I will try & approach his behaviour with a bit more of a positive/calm approach. WIth Quiet time as the resulting punishment. Usually if he gets set to his room I have to hold the door closed while he screams on the other side to get out. But I only ever send him to his room when it has gotten beyond the point of being calm. So maybe if I can step in before that point & make a new "rule" like sitting on the couch for 5 mins till he is ready to behave again might work.
    Oh well they are both awake now so I better go & start that day & hope that it ends nicely tonight.
    Last edited by *Efjay*; October 24th, 2006 at 09:09 AM.

  4. #4

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    oh Fiona its so frustrating when their behaviour is trying. I think for us with Matilda, even though she is heaps younger, we realised we had to do something. Her self harm was too much with number 2 on the way.

    The biggest change we made was getting us both to do the same thing with her. The same set of "rules" we have somewhat flexible boundaries and it always depends on the circumstance or situation, but we had to be able to come to her with one set of what is acceptable behaviour & what is not. For us, we didn't want to have a house full of rules & routines and set "things" but for Matilda it works best if she knows what is expected of her. So we go about praising her heaps when she has good behaviour, we tell her "Matilda sitting on the chair & watching TV quietly is very good behaviour" And sometimes we will even give her a sticker or stamp or something like that if she's had good behaviour throughout the day. When she is naughty or doesn't listen it depends on what is going on. If its the bedtime routine, we are adament that we are her parents & she has to do thing right. One night a week I used to have to leave for puppy preschool during the middle of the night routine which always messed it up for DH. So I started leaving 30 minutes earlier & do some shopping first or something to not disrupt it. It wasn't fair on either of them... so although last night may have been a one off... finding some common ground on night routine may be good for you & your DH.... dunno... just thinking out my mouth.

    Anyway... Goodluck!! Its good to think about this & get some things organised for you so that next time you are better prepared.

  5. #5

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    What bugs me most about last night, is it was a one off explosion as DH said. But I think DH really was the cause of it. I mean why did he have to go load the wheely bin right on bed time? That something we spoke about last night, that if its bed time ITS BED TIME no ifs buts about it!

  6. #6

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    Yeah thats right Fiona, maybe he just wasn't thinking last night, but so he knows next time to wait and do it later.

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    Sorry if my post came out badly I can hardly understand it myself... thats what I get for doing it in the middle of the night LOL! Christy you pretty much said what I was trying to say... thanks matey LOL!

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  8. #8

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    No I understood your post Cailin

  9. #9
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    I think Cailin said it all well.
    The one thing i do with our kids, well dd atm cause ds is to small (still im starting) is to explain why you dont want them to do that. Dont just say 'dont do it', say i dont want you to do that because. Its a learning experience for them and if they know the answers they will only benefit in the end. Im hard on dd but only cause i dont want a naughty girl when we go out, or at home. There character plays alot with how to disipline them to so only you know what buttons to push to make him listen.
    Sounds like you and Simon need to have a little chat on parenting. He needs to realise that your the main parent that disiplines the kids so appreciate that and dont go against you in front of the kids. That only instills in them that dad is boss, kwim.

    Parenting is bloody hard.

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