Been looking on the forum for quite a while and finally got around to joining.
I have a 15 yr son who has not seen his biological father for nearly 10 yrs and i have recently found him. He told me that he has been trying to find me since he left Adelaide and moved to Perth. My son at first was over the moon at being in contact with him but as time has gone on the time between contact is growing. I'm sick of seeing my son moping around waiting for his father to get online. It is affecting him at home and at school. It has been nearly 9 months now since we made contact but the father still has not attempted to visit and very rarely calls. It seems like i'm the one making all the effort and i don't know what to do. The longer it goes on the more i think that he is only communicating with my son when he has nothing else better to do.
To me... these arn't the actions of a father who has been looking for us for the last 10 yrs. What should i do?
I don't think there is much you can do about your son and his father. Rather his dad than a girlfriend he'll forget about in a few months! But, to me, the father's actions sound understandable. He's probably terrified of the response he'll get if he sees you all face to face. Do you have other children and a new man in your life? He'll probably have to see them too. You were with this man over 6 years, it will be hard for him to think you can just move on - even though he has. I wouldn't be calling or visiting either - what if you spoke to the man who has been raising your son for the last however many years? Scary to think of his reaction, even though he's sussed out his son's (partly) and yours (to an even lesser extent).
Maybe you can ask your son if he wants his biological father to visit - and the three of you set something up, somewhere neutral, juts the three of you. That may be a good step.
Of course, this man may be not that interested and it's better to find out now rather than later, I suppose. But he may be a bit shy and scared too.
My DH didn't meet his real father til he was 19.
His mother had lived in the same house for 10 years that he visited her in, then moved once.
His step father was scared it was the end of their relationship, but all was OK.
For a long time DH felt rejected coz he thought his own father didn't want him. When he met him & his father said that he tried to find him I kinda knew it was bull, but let it go for DH's sake.
I was 6 months pg with DD1 when we met him.
He had our number, & MIL's number (which has been the same for 16 years).
We rang him DD1's first christmas to let him know she was here. She was 8 months old. We haven't heard from him since.
DH got on with his life, but I know now he's a bit lost. He has a brother & sister to his Father who he would like to know, but after not hearing from his father in 5 years, he's not so intrested in knowing him.
From what I've seen, it might be best for your DS to make up his own mind. Maybe gently talk to him & suggest that he doesn't worry about that for now. That way when & if it does happen it'll just be a nice suprise.
It is harsh, but his fathers world obviously didn't stop when you found him, so your son needs to get on with his life too.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but your poor boy is having his heart broken everytime he gets let down by him.
I hope you can resolve it before it has too much of an impact on his life.
We wern't together for the time that he was in contact with my son... He ran when he found out i was pregnant and i didn't see him until my son was born. He saw him for a little while then and it seemed the novelty was wearing off. The time between contact was becoming longer until all contact ceased when my son was about 5 1/2. I don't think he is shy, he has even told me that he hasn't stopped thinking about me and we should... (reading between the lines)... This was the first thing he said after i found him. He has had my number and it hasn't changed at all since he left. Just a simple phone call to my son to say hi would be great or even get online and let my son know that he is thinking about him... but there is nothing. Maybe 1 message a week if that.
Opinions please...
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