I don't want to do this any more. I CAN'T do this any more.
I need them to go away and just not come back. For how long, I don't know. But I can't have them anywhere near me right now. I'm a s*** mother and whatever I'm doing, it's wrong and it's not working.
DH is at work. My mum isn't feeling well and won't take them today. My BF is a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding this afternoon so she's booked up with that. I'm on my own and I'm not coping.

I'm about this close to just locking the kids in their rooms and disappearing. I can't be here. I can't be near them. I hate this.

I just need to get that out, and maybe I'll feel better. I'm such a failure. I hate myself, I hate them for making me feel like this. I hate all the bs, the tantrums, the mischief, the refusing to do as they're told. The mess, the need for attention... when do *I* get any attention? When does anybody give a f--- about how I'm feeling? I can't afford any more days at daycare. My parents are either at work or out of town or busy with their own stuff (fair enough). I wanted the stupid kids, I have to deal with them.
Except today I can't. I was so tempted a minute ago to just put my hands around DD1's neck and squeeze until she f-ing SHUTS UP. I just smacked DD2's bum and dragged her away from whatever she was into... now I'm outside listening to both of them yelling and babbling for me. SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW AND I WISH I COULD WALK AWAY AND NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

I need to get out.