It's one of the great unspoken secrets of motherhood that sometimes it is all too much. I have been there more than once and I know many other BB members have too. So don't beat yourself up, it's ok to be having a shocking day and it does not mean you are a terrible mother.
Take some time to breathe. Stick a DVD on for the kids and tell them mummy needs some space. Have a cup of tea and curl up on the sofa. If you can, try and get them to take a nap. If they won't, then pop them in the car, stick on your favourite music and just drive to clear your head.
We have all been there. You are doing the right thing taking a time out for yourself. I was going to say the same as traveller, can you pop on the tv and try and get a bit of a break. Hang in there. DH will be home at some point, and then you can leave the kids to him and go and hide somewhere, i like to have a long bath with the door locked, and put my head underwater so I cant hear anything going on, oh and I take a huge glass of wine with me... And remember to try and breathe, it might help... xo
Thanks, girls. Really - thank you. I feel like I'm having the worst week ever and I want it all to go away
The kids ended up crying themselves to sleep... mummy fail again I keep sitting here looking at the dump that is my house and thinking I should use their naptime to clean up... but I just don't have the strength right now. I was writing this huge post in my head last night after DD1 got into MORE of my stuff and burned her eyes with hair serum (after being told about forty thousand times to leave it alone), I ended up just falling asleep because it's the only coping mechanism I have left I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I'm so stressed and burned out, I just don't know where to even begin...
It's my stupid birthday on Sunday and yet again, I'm disappointed because I won't actually get any presents. I've got some new lingerie on layby (which is desperately needed, I'm down to my last bra and the underwire popped through the seam about a month ago so I'm wearing it every day and have a big sore near my armpit where it's poking me constantly), so DH and my mum is giving me money to pay it out, there's my presents from them. Nanna sent me a cheque, which I've already banked, that will go on a haircut and a pair of ballet flats (which I also desperately need). I hate not getting things to unwrap... I know it's stupid and there's no point in sending anybody out to buy things like clothes for me because I have to try everything on... I just hate not having a surprise to open on my birthday. Looks like I'm going to have to cook my own dinner and not do anything fun, we were going to go out to dinner but my dad's out of town (AGAIN, he's away on my birthday every year because of this bs scout camp thing, he went down to Childers to see my brother for HIS birthday last week but nooo, I'm not important enough, his stupid scouting commitments are more important than me) and the kids are just feral anyway so no point going out. Mum will just get dirty as hell if DH and I want to go out without her so I can't get her to babysit or anything Because yep, everything's always about HER feelings and why can't SHE ever go out (never mind that Dad takes her out for lunches, coffees, dinners etc at least once a week, DH and I go out once a year on our wedding anniversary if mum is available to babysit, but nooo, Mum NEVER gets to go out, pfft). She won't even want to make dinner and have us over to her house because it's MY birthday so SHE should get to relax. Yeah, that makes sense.
DH's dad sent me a cheque as well but the stupid prison officers forgot to put the cheque back in the with the card he sent (they have to check all the mail) and he hasn't sent another one, so I miss out on that... not that I really want (nor did I expect, but he rang to ask if I got it and DH said I only got the card so I found out I was supposed to get some money) money from him but it would have been nice to get myself a little treat, maybe get a new pair of jeans or something else, so now I'm all disappointed about that... F*** birthdays. I hate them and I wish they didn't exist. I feel like the world's worst parent because tbh, I don't even want to spend it with the kids, to me the perfect day right now would be one where I can just be left alone and not have to answer to anybody, not have to deal with anybody, just go and do something for myself, BY MYSELF, but of course that makes me an awful person because who wouldn't want to spend their special day with their special little people? And usually I DO want to spend special days with my kids, I love them to bits, but God I've had it up to here with them right now.
DD1 is just an absolute monster. She's into EVERYTHING she's not meant to be (you may have seen my Punching Bag post about the bracelet the other day), she answers back, hits her sister, flat-out REFUSES to even try to behave herself... whatever I do, I suck at it, it's not working. Time-outs, smacking, taking away her toys, yelling at her, talking nicely to her, every. single. thing. I've tried fails to have any impact on her. I threw every single nice thing I have (makeup, perfume, hair product, deodorant etc) in a big garbage bag last night after the hair serum incident and put it all in the bin... no matter what I say or do, she won't stay the f out of my room or stop climbing into high drawers/shelves in the bathroom/bedroom/laundry/kitchen, so probably easier to just toss out everything I have bar my underwear and a few shirts, that way at least she's not at risk of poisoning herself or sending herself blind with some chemical. Goodbye hair straightener, goodbye shampoo and conditioner, goodbye favourite perfumes and eyeliner and everything else that makes me feel good about myself. Why bother? It'll either get broken, emptied into the bathroom sink, or kill my kid.
DD1 is just impossible. She's not like any other kid I've ever met. You can't sit her down with a book or a DVD or some toys and expect her to play - as soon as my back's turned, she's up on the kitchen bench and pouring sugar into the toaster or something. She won't play WITH me. I try to do fun things like have craft activities with her, but instead of gluing sequins to the coloured cardboard I've given her, she starts gluing them to the leather couch or her sister's forehead or to her father's precious flatscreen TV. I take them outside to burn off some energy, and instead of playing on the swingset or trampoline DH forked out to give her, she takes all her clothes off, urinates in the yard and then unlatches the gate and runs off down the street, giggling like an idiot while I chase her, screaming that she'll get hit by a car.
I can't take her out in public - she refuses to ride in the trolley at the shops, and runs off to hide. She pulls everything off the shelves and throws herself on the ground screaming loud enough for Boyne Island residents to hear her if I say she's not behaving well enough to deserve a lollipop. Her idea of 'playing nicely' with her sister involves pushing DD2 face-first into the floor and then running away yelling, 'Don't smack meee!' while I scoop poor DD2 up and check for blood. I can't ever sit down and watch anything on TV because if it's not cartoons, she stands in front of me and SCREAMS until I put cartoons on just to shut her up. She won't go to sleep until 11pm at the earliest.
And of course, she behaves IMPECCABLY at daycare and for anybody else who looks after her when I'm not around. So everyone thinks I'm either a liar, or exaggerating, or just paranoid when I say I think there's either something wrong with her (ADD/ADHD?), or that I just can't cope with her.
And as for DD2, she's just a massive drain. So clingy, so demanding. She won't stay inside when I go out for a cigarette, she stands at the door screaming her head off until I let her out. I have to lay in her cot with her to give her bottles and pat her to sleep every single time she goes down for a nap. She hates my mum and won't go to anybody else when I'm around, and if I'm not, she just cries until I come back. She won't sit and play while I do housework, she wants cuddles constantly and gets hysterical if I don't drop everything and pick her up the second she opens her mouth to protest that I'm ignoring her. Nothing ever gets done around here between the two of them because while DD2's getting cuddles, DD1 is trashing everything I've just cleaned up.
There are always dirty dishes in the sink. Food scraps and crumbs on the floor. Dirty laundry, toys, half-chewed bits of plastic, etc etc etc strewn all over the house. I can't keep any one spot of it clean. DH hates it, he's so anal about neatness and cleanliness and swears that if DOCS ever paid a surprise visit to the house, we'd lose care of them because nobody would consider this house liveable. He works 10-12 hours a day, then comes home to filth and he hates it. He works OT on weekends because we need the money, so I'm alone with the kids even more, the house gets messier, he cracks the poos. When he's not at work, he's either mowing the lawn or painting the stupid house or doing something that needs doing, so I don't expect him to clean up, it's not his mess (and he's very tidy, all his stuff is put away, dirty clothes in the basket etc etc, the mess is all from the kids).
I love my kids, I really do. I'd never hurt them. I just need a f-ing break because the past few weeks have got me so strung out I'm about to explode. I lay in bed at night wondering in all seriousness if it would be that difficult to slit my own throat. Would I be best to go ear-to-ear like in the slasher films, or would just a little cut under my jaw, where I can feel my pulse, work? Probably a good thing I've lost the plug for the bathtub, or it wouldn't be hard to 'bump my head on the tiles and fall face-down into the tub'... but that's just f-ed, and I know it. I don't want to die, I just want an out from the stress. I need a break. God, Sydney can't come around fast enough. It's all that's keeping me going right now I just feel sick all the time, this stupid 'suspected PCOS' has me in so much pain constantly, the treatment the Dr gave me didn't work at all, stupid AF is here again and it HURTS, I'm all alone, I'm supposed to be looking forward to my birthday and instead I just wish I could disappear.
I'm sorry.. I know this is an epic rant. I don't expect or want sympathy, or help... I just need to get it all off my chest before I have an aneurysm or something. DH can't come home early because he had yesterday off so we could take the kids to see Dora (which was awesome, but as always, DD1 takes a perfectly good day and destroys it), and he's got a Dr's appt on Monday so he'll have to take time off then I hate that they rely so heavily on him at work, I hate that he wants to be at home helping me out but he just can't because his stupid lazy employers and fellow employees sit around expecting DH to do everything for them, and he's been looking for another job for so long but nothing has come up that suits our situation (we'd need another car if he were to get a good job with one of the industries as they're out of town and I'd be stuck at home all day)... I'm just tired of being on my own so much, with being stuck with the kids 24/7 while all my friends can go out and enjoy themselves every now and then because they have friends or family who can look after their kids for them... I can't even go out on my own because DH resents having to go to work and then come home and watch the ferals while I go off and do something for myself (which is fair enough, he's in pretty much the same boat as HE never gets 'alone time' either)...
Argh, I just wish the kids would behave, behave, behave, stop acting like this, stop stressing me out, just for a couple of days... I don't know how single mums/those with partners who work away etc do it... I need to just shut up and get on with it because it could be so much worse, I know I'm just a useless POS who whines too much, I don't even have it that bad. I'm sorry I just need to get away for a while
Thanks for listening. I really, really do appreciate it.
hun you know you can call me if ever you need to right? Or text me, and i'll call you, so you don't use up credit (rich childless person over here ) I know all mums have bad days...but how long have you felt like this, really? Maybe not all day every day, but if it's been like this for a while...I don't know, do you think you're depressed? It sounds that way to me right now, but I guess without a face to face it's hard to know. I just want you to look after yourself hun, please.
i just wanted to offer more - probably not exactly what you need right now, but it's the thought, right?!!
i have no magical words or advice, cos i'm a novice at the mummy business & as much as i have the 'right' words in my brain, they just never come out so well. i can totally feel your frustration & pain though & think the PPs are right - it's not a case of mummy fail at all. reaching out when you feel like this is the best thing you could have done .
i know your DH works alot, but would you guys ever consider him cutting back a little (if he can) and then maybe you working a day here & there? sorry if i'm way off base, but just thinking that it's maybe a way for you to have time out of the house & get to meet new people & even though it's work (boooo!), it might be the change you need to get your groove back. sorry if that's presumptious or anything, but just a random suggestion.
wow both of your posts could have come from me! In all honesty they could have. I to am exactly the same.My house is absolutely horrendous !!! And like you it dont matter if i clean cause for every thing i pick up they put at least 10new bits of crap on the floor!!
The bedroom thing......i have the same DS2 is forever going through my things and i bloody hate it and are sick of it. We rent BUT i did what i had to i put a key lock on our bedroom door.I got so sick of him destroying MY things!. Im allowed to have things to.
I dont wanna preach or anything but i found sometimes (when they were lil) the best thing i could do for them and myself was to let them cry(with in reason)to sleep. Its good for them to learn to self sooth and its was freakin good for me to put them in there cott/bedroom shut the door and go sit in the back yard with a cuppa.Let me tell you i needed it.
My boys are the same nothing i do works charts taking toys ect ect it makes it so hard when they just dont care.The best thing ive now found that works is sitting them in the middle of the floor where they cant reach a thing no tv ect ect they stop pretty quick.
Dont feel bad for your feelings at all......trust me at times i honestly sit and think wow i wonder if i could just drop em at my mums and leave.........its all apart of being a mum.dont ever feel bad for it,were only human hun and *lots and lots of hugs*
It sounds like you're having a really tough time right now Donna and that really sucks!! It sucks you don't have anything to open on your birthday
Sure, being a SAHM is really tough!! It's a 24/7 job, no breaks, no holidays. I think we've all felt like we just wanted to run away and not look back!! That's totally normal. However, thinking about killing yourself, esp how exactly you would go about it is not a 'normal' reaction and makes me really worried about you. Can you go and see your GP? Tell them what you just told us. Or maybe you have a counsellor you have seen before who can help? At least with some strategies to help you deal with all the stress you're under at the moment! And maybe also to talk about DD1 and her behavior if you think something is not right there.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are definitely not a bad mum. We all do the best we can and want the best for our kids. It is so impressive that when you are feeling like this instead of hiding away and bottling it all up, you spoke out and reached out to other people. That is so hard for other people to do bc they often feel too embarrassed about how they're feeling. But talking about it is always the best thing. Well done.
I hope you can somehow get a break very soon. And most of all big big for you.
Oh honey, I'm nearly in tears reading that...do you think you should have a chat to your dr about how you are feeling? And maybe someone about DD1's behaviour? If you think it isn't 'normal' for her, then there is probably something else going on...
big hugs for you, and again I wish I was closer so I could give you a hand, I also wish I could send you my cleaning fairy but she's gone walkabout...
I feel you. I've had a crap of a day here, and my girls are running in opposite directions, screaming and tearing things out of their places... I can't keep up. I hate it. I locked them in the yard this morning to phone DH & scream.... its hard. I tried to get them out of the house to the park to settle things, but DD1 kept running off. DH offered to "come help me out" and I wound up screaming at him that their his kids and he's not helping me out at all, he's looking after his kids.
My house is a mindfield and I can't stand it. I need a break.... I hear ya.
I guess the main thing is to enforce it. I have sat down and scheduled a break a week, and I will have to enforce it. I will have to beg for it, and I will have to make sure everyone knows that it is desperate. This isn't a "break" this is recharging so that we can get through the day... I have 2 hours off on Sunday and 2 hours off in just over a week planned to clean the house. I will have no one here in my house but me & my music. I have discussed with DH that he comes home from work early one day a week so I can have a bath....
I think the little things help us be able to cope. I just need 1-2 little things a week in order to get through the tough times.
I have no words of advice honey, but I wanted to know I really feel for you. Please take care yourself. You have to be happy first to make the children happy. Big hugs to you.
I wish I knew where you lived so I could send you a gift basket on Sunday
Remember there are resources out there to help people in exactly your situation... Lifeline and the Parent Helpline are set up for exactly this sort of thing... give them a try - it can't hurt, can it? They might even know something you don't and even just talking to someone might make you feel better.
I hope it picks up for you soon... We're here for ya hun..
Giant i hope things start to look up for you, i had a couple of days like that last week, i was in tears and i SCREAMED in DD1's face because if i didn't yell i was scared i was going to throw her through a wall.
It makes us feel like crap but having days/weeks like this does not make us bad mums it just makes us human, we are entitled to have feelings, get frustrated and act like crazy women.
Our kids can throw tantrums, get angry and frustrated so why can't we????
Maybe you can get the kids to sit down and 'make' you some thing to unwrap on your birthday, maybe they could design their own wrapping paper and find random household objects to 'surprise' you with.
Not only does it keep them occupied but might be just what you need without the stress of spending money!
You guys... thank you. Again. SO much. Really - THANK YOU. I'm so grateful to have a resource like BB to turn to when I'm at my lowest. Every single one of you deserves a huge hug for being there for me.
Thanks so much for sharing your own stories, it really helps me not feel like such a complete failure. Why, oh why do these kids of ours have to be SO testing? Surely the universe isn't just having a big laugh at our expense... :/ I can't wait until they grow out of it (if they ever truly do... I remember what I was like as a teenager. Oh, the joys I have yet to look forward to).
I'm feeling a lot better now that DH is home, and having read your kind responses. I'm torn between feeling glad that I'm not completely alone in feeling like this some days, and sorry that most of you are going through the same thing in your own lives.
PZ - Thanks so much, babe. I'm glad to know the offer's there I seriously can't wait until Sydney, hanging out with you is just what I need, I reckon
I know I am depressed, I've had trouble since I was about 14 and been on and off medication and in counselling periodically since my teens. At the moment I'm just fighting through it on my own with no real help... I know it's incredibly bad to say it, but I'm terrified of the weight gain that I've found is inevitable with anti-depressants, and the one counsellor who's been there since day dot and helped me through the most difficult times of my life has left town and I'm too scared to start over with someone new... it's a really big trust issue with me and I found it so hard to allow her into my life in that way even as a bratty kid who was just p*ssed at the whole world, now I feel like I have a lot more to lose and placing my trust in the 'wrong' person could be disastrous... Thankfully BB has helped me so, so much over the last couple of years, and I've managed to stay out of the deepest troughs thanks to the support I get here.
Sloane & Mishca - thanks for the suggestion, hun I would love it if I could go back to work and let DH be SAHD, but I'm not a skilled worker and he gets a pretty decent paycheck as a manual labourer (which I could never do), so we'd be in a big hole if the roles were reversed :/ I think he'd be a great SAHD and the kids love spending time with Daddy so if I had the chance, I'd go for it. We might be able to in a few years, I'm supposed to be starting studying next year so depending on how much money a qualified midwife can make, it may be on the cards later on. Thanks for throwing it out there and for your support, I really appreciate it.
fionas - Hun, you have NO IDEA what a relief it was to read your experience... thanks so much for sharing it with me. My goodness, if a superwoman like you can't get through a simple task with a toddler without it turning into a shambles, what hope do I have?! FWIW I think you're a fantastic mum I hope that doesn't sound insensitive of me but it does make me feel a bit better to know that my difficulty in coping some days is NOT purely a symptom of being a generally useless human being...
LizJessie - Oh hun, I saw that comment on your FB and wanted to lay some smackdown on your behalf - I know EXACTLY how you feel and I felt awful that someone thought it was okay to talk down to you for it, instead of offering their support Big, big hugs to you hun, thanks for your reply, I know we're on the same page... it is SO hard sometimes and sleep deprivation is the worst form of torture... I know lots of parents are jealous of me because my two are pretty much perfect sleepers, but when they're not asleep they're being feral... I guess it goes both ways :/ *hugs* to you.
JustMe - feel free to hijack away, hun If we can't talk about it here, where can we? I feel so bad for you that you're in the same boat babe, just know that I'd be there in a heartbeat if I could to help out... get the little monsters together and let them go nuts while we relax over a coffee! I totally agree about the mess, and the food, and feeling like a slave, and OMG THE TOILET PAPER HERE TOO! I think I have a big string of it stuck to my heel right now, actually :/ *hugs* Thanks so much for sharing, babe. I really hope you can get a break when you need it, too. x
Every single one of you - thank you so, so, so much. Huge hugs all round from me. I showed DH my post when he got home from work so he could actually 'listen' to how I'm feeling... when I talk to him, he hears me but I think he gets preoccupied with how HE feels after working all week and thinks, 'Oh, like you have it hard, you sit around in your pj's all day'. He's organised my mum to watch the kids for a couple of hours on Sunday evening so he can take me to the movies (Gold Class, even! My first time ever!) for my birthday, which will be almost as good as having a present to actually unwrap, and mum's watching the kids tomorrow morning so we can go shopping to get my laybys out and get a couple of other things for my birthday. So, a few kid-free hours, it's a start - I'll keep working on it. I think this is just what I need... but MORE of it lol. Oh well, baby steps
I want every one of you to know how much I am humbled by your support... how grateful I am for you sharing your stories and extending your sympathy when I need it most. How much I wish each of you the same as you wish me - a break, some time to recharge, the kids to behave, etc etc. For the text messages, the PMs, the FB messages... thank you so much. BB is literally saving my life, I cannot thank you all enough for reaching out and holding me up when I'm not sure I can keep going.
xoxo
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We have all been there. You are doing the right thing taking a time out for yourself. I was going to say the same as traveller, can you pop on the tv and try and get a bit of a break. Hang in there. DH will be home at some point, and then you can leave the kids to him and go and hide somewhere, i like to have a long bath with the door locked, and put my head underwater so I cant hear anything going on, oh and I take a huge glass of wine with me... And remember to try and breathe, it might help... xo
) I know all mums have bad days...but how long have you felt like this, really? Maybe not all day every day, but if it's been like this for a while...I don't know, do you think you're depressed? It sounds that way to me right now, but I guess without a face to face it's hard to know. I just want you to look after yourself hun, please. 
babe...
I seriously can't wait until Sydney, hanging out with you is just what I need, I reckon 
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