I tried a technique by Steve Biddulph. It involves removing the child from the issue - so standing them somewhere to calm down in the immediate vicinity and then they have to call you when they want to discuss what happened. So allowing the situation to diffuse a bit but them having a little control too. It takes a bit of explaining and role playing at first - so they call you when they calm down and then you ask them to tell you what they did that was not acceptable, why they did it and why it is not ok. The idea is that they then get the process of thinking about their actions and working through it, it also allows you to discuss the acceptable way of dealing with whatever situation too. It took some work but I think really worked for DD who was quite verbal and I hoping it allows for discussion when she gets older too. It does sound a bit OTT but really worked here and now we rarely use it.