My Mum and I had a really close relationship. She passed away suddenly, about 5 years before I had children. She missed my wedding, pregnancies and meeting her grandchildren. I have moved through the intense grieving phase but have been left with this sadness that sits in the background all the time and pops up at random times like when I am shopping and see a grandma with her daughter and grandchild.

I have been reflecting lately on how things should have/could have/would have been different had she still been here. Am I a sadder person than what I would have been? Do my kids feel that sadness? Am I less hopeful? Less positive? Are there positives? Am I better/ stronger in some ways than I would have been?

The kids have both been shocking sleepers which has left me burnt out. The recurring issue beside the actual sleep deprivation is feeling unsupported which has made everything that much more difficult. I have wondered if I really have less support than other people or that it is just a psychological thing because I don’t have my Mum and it feels like everyone else had their Mum to hold their hand through the baby days. If Mum was still here would it really have made things easier?

She would have taken the kids at a minutes notice when I had had enough and let me have a catch up sleep. She would have listened to my endless complaining and still told me I was doing an amazing job. She would have looked after me like only a Mum can while I was learning to be a Mum. That extra support may have given me more energy, patience and confidence in my parenting. It may not have. While I am doing the best I can do I can’t help but wonder if I could be doing better had things been different.

Obviously we’ll never really know the answers to these questions as we will only live one version of our lives but I wondered how everyone else feels. Are you a different parent than you would have been?