Do you do time out or the naughty spot?

[Smoke Jaguar]

Miss E, at this age, it's really going to be about repetition and modelling compassionate behaviour. When DS was that age, and now that DD is going through it (the pushy stage!), I would emphasise being kind by 'tending to the injured' and leaving DS to watch me help make amends - asking the child if they were ok whilst kneeling right next to them, saying I was sorry that DS hurt the child, then, when things had calmed down (and if the mother hadn't stormed off with her child, which only very rarely happened, so everyone was mostly able to learn from the incidents) I would ask DS over, explain that when he did x, the child felt x and that we must be kind and gentle with our friends. Before long, he was making his own amends. When he got bigger I would say "you know when we do something and it accidentally hurts someone, what could you do to help them feel better?", which would trigger a memory of going over, giving a hug and saying sorry, or just giving the hug, which is saying sorry non-verbally.
They're not pushing out of some sense of holding power over another person, they're really in that pre-operational stage of development where they are learning about how much space they take up and that if someone else is in their way, their own body mass can be used to make more room. Only rarely do children of this age push someone to deliberately cause anxiety and pain - usually, when this does occur, it's from a child who is on the receiving end of the same, and is really obvious. That's just in my experience.
As for positive reinforcement, I don't know where I stand with that term. I don't approach parenting with that in mind, it's more with modelling of compassion and generosity. If DS or DD do something that is helpful I tell them that it's helpful, and I really work on withholding a value judgment on that action. I even refrain from "I like it when", because most of the time, the thing they have done has value of its own, and has value in its repetition that is greater than my own liking of it. If it's helpful I say so, if it's considerate I say so, if it's UNhelpful I say so, if it's dangerous I say so, without saying it's 'bad', 'good', etc.
One thing I have taken away from my exposure to NeuroLinguistic Programming is that the brain doesn't process negatives very well at all. If you say "don't jump" the brain is thinking of 'jumping' and ignores the "don't", because negatives just don't really compute. If you're trying to teach a child not to do something, it's far more effective for their memories if you give them a positive directive, rather than a negative one. That means telling the child what you WANT them to do, instead of what you don't want them to do. This also removes the need to say "no" nearly as often as you otherwise would. Yeah, yeah, you get heaps of people saying "kids these days don't hear the word "no" enough" - I'm proud of that in my kids! I don't say 'no' as a stand alone. The word 'no', in my world, comes in the context of a sentence, or to repeat something I've already put into a sentence (like the ubiquitous "Can we have chips for dinner" and I explain why not, which is followed by "pleeeeeease" and I'll explain again, then I'll just say "I'm sorry, and no we can't get chips", shortened further to "no" if I'm driving and need my concentration back!). Words are so powerful, so especially in the first 4 years of language learning I'm really conscious of how I use it with my kids (and also try to get our second language into their heads as much as I can remember to!). People who don't think words are powerful are missing out on an entirely different world of possibility and empowerment - I've learned from a master and sometimes forget things, only to remember again and notice a real difference in my rapport and communications with people
Sorry, Miss E, it's not a straightforward answer, because it's not so much a technique, as a whole way of approaching language and creating a positive and empowering environment in the hope that wherever they go my kids can create possibilities and turn negatives into positives.
Fromscratch, I will stand by my assertion that time outs and counting don't teach children compassion. These techniques are not designed to do that. OTHER things you may do may teach compassionate motivations - the things you do in addition to time outs, and I never stated that if you use time outs or counting with your kids that they can't possibly be learning compassion from another aspect of your approach with them. Time outs, by themselves, do not teach much to the child that they can take into adulthood. As you say yourself, you don't even use them often, so I would hope you don't think they teach compassion because you're not even using them consistently No idea where you get the idea that I'm attacking anybody. I critique ideas, I don't attack people. Also, I'll take some umbrance to you saying I have a 'prescribed method' - not sure where you perceived any prescription, as I don't have one. I don't have a method, I have an approach towards children and adults and it's hardly something I can write down in a step-by-step. It's an approach based on broader ideals I have about the world I want to live in, the world I want to create, the world I want my kids to create.
I'm now using my approach on two children of my own, so even though they are very different little people, my approach remains the same. In fact, I'll go further - my approach remains the same for ALL small people. EVERY child I speak to gets the same approach from me, no matter what the background, who the parents, or even the language they speak. And I'll tell ya what, the responses I get are pretty uniform - mutual respect, rapport and understanding. I love the feeling I get when I speak to a child and they have completely assumed I was going to talk down to them, only to have me give them some credit for their intelligence and comprehension. The difference between me and a child is mainly experience, because their humanity is the same, we both want to be understood and considered, we both want validation and we both seek happiness. I've been a kid before (to state the obvious) and I find it really easy to put myself in kids' shoes and remember what it felt like to be told what to do, talked down to, that feeling of disempowerment and powerlessness over my own life is still palpable.
All children are different - this statement is pretty bleeding obvious, because children are people, and we already know that everyone is different. Moreover, we have more similarities than differences - we all want to feel valued, to feel like we matter. And this is how I approach everybody. I don't just afford this approach to people who somehow deserve it more than others. My approach doesn't change just because someone is a bit more stubborn, because someone is more single-minded, just because someone doesn't agree with me.
So, I do reject the prediction that I would change my approach with each child, because I have the same motivation with everyone - to bring out their best, to help them overcome perceived and real disadvantages and make the world their oyster. No, it's not my job to do that, I just like doing that. It's also not my job to take that away from anyone - it's not my right. In a similar way, I feel I have no right to disempower my kids. My responsibilities are to keep them safe from harm, to keep them healthy and to provide a loving platform from which to jump into the rest of the world.
For me, time outs and counting down or counting up have no part to play in my approach. My last resorts are to take me child away from a situation and to stay with that child to help them understand why we had to leave the situation, not to send them away alone to figure it out, or not. If I do counting, it's in my head and for my own sake, accompanied by some breathing!
It's late, not sure I'm explaining myself well. Suffice to say, I'm not attacking anyone - just critiquing the techniques described.

[Beach Mama]

I have learnt SO much reading this thread. Thank you so much Maya and everyone else who has contributed - we are still using time out where but I am really rethinking (well no change, I am always thinking about my parenting!) how we do things because the kids seem so out of control right now and nothing really seems to be helping so something has to give.

[trishalishous]

we do 'itime in' nd 'thinking time' to calm DD down. we dont say naughty at all(we use yucky)