Let's talk about dobbing. Do you discourage it or not?
I think it isn't really healthy social behavior, and I only really want to know if someone else has done something seriously wrong. Otherwise, I'm somewhat happy for DD2 to learn to manage when to tell, and when not to. What do you think? Is dobbing always good, always bad, or otherwise?
I try and teach my kids to evaluate what I need to know and what I don't. And I strongly believe the only way to stop sobbing is to give them the tools to deal with conflict themselves. I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it's part of growing. I don't want my kids to think they can't come to me if there is a problem. But getting me to sort out every problem for the isn't great either. If they continue to expect me to fix it chances are they don't know how to.
I discourage it at work - some children take dobbing to the extreme and come and dob for every teeny tiny thing! I am a believer in helping children develop the skills to solve some problems without adult intervention. This means trying to help them learn what's important enough to tell someone about and what's something they should sort out themselves.
Like rouge said.
Guiding our kids to help them reach that stage of confidence where they can tackle these issues on their own more often.
It comes with a child's age mainly and also how much effort the parent put into helping them too.
But with that I think it's important to teach how to deal with each situation.. From saying no. And how to deal with issues with sharing, conflict etc.
We do the "talk it out method". My kids will often have to sit on the couch and discuss the problem, how to fix it and what they both did vs should have done. I think we teach our children to fail when we have "right" and "wrong" actions. Instead I try and encourage them to look at things like "Well this didn't work, this was the outcome, this is the desired outcome, and how to get it" in kids terms obviously. I used to sit with them and guide them through to resolution. And now they have the tools to do it on their own.
And when they are little. It is my job to teach them by explaining. Not getting angry and listening. It's all a learning process.
I'm not really talking about conflict though, just "hey mum, johnny just did the finger" etc etc. Something with little consequence but that could get them in trouble. I really don't want DD2 to be that kind of dobber. I'd rather (somehow? ideas?) teach her that if she doesn't think that is good behavior, to not embrace that person as a friend but just an aquintance.
I wouldn't have a problem if DD told me something like that. But I'd turn it into a discussion, rather than it being gossipy, which is what dobbing becomes after a certain period.. And I'd then ask her what she thinks we should do. It's breaking that pattern. Giving her the space to think outside the square for herself. And giving you the opportunity to bounce her thoughts with you.
I agree with Rouge. I don't think the problem is so much the act of 'dobbing', but what the consequence of the dobbing is. If its always going to be met with "Johnny did what? Johnny, come here!" I don't think it's very constructive. But sometimes kids don't have the tools to cope with a situation, so they go to mum and dad. Instead of teaching them to dob someone in so they get in trouble, it should be met with ways to solve the problem, help the child identify whether it is, in fact, something that actually affects them, explore why they feel the way they do about it, and give them tools to resolve the situation themselves in the future.
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