Explaining death to a 2 1/2 year old

[beckoes]

We were just driving home from the play ground at about 6pm and there was an injured echidna in the road. DH stopped and picked it up with a blanket. we took it home and called the wildlife people but it died while we were on the phone.

DD witnessed the whole thing, saw it alive, with blood coming out of its nose and moving in the box we put it in when we got home. i let her look at it, it looked fine apart from a bit of blood on its nose/snout. then when it died she said 'its stopped moving' .

We had told her we were going to try and get a doctor to take it away and make it better, but then we said it had died. She knows this word but mainly to do with plants, not animals etc.

She was in the bath about an hour later and she asked what would happen to the echidna now the doctor wasnt coming to take it away. DH and I dissagreed on what we should tell her so i just said we would have to see what happened in the morning. I dont really know what to tell her, how do i explain it to her. I dont really want to lie to her but is she too young to give any explaination other than, 'the echidna is fine and went back to the wild'.....which is what DH thinks we should tell her.

Isnt it these experiences in life that help teach our little ones about death and the circle of life etc, shouldnt i use this as a way to start explaining this side of life to her???

Any advice??

[jackrose]

I personally feel yhat you have to be honest with children. I believe that shielding them from the realities of life does not do anyone any favours. That said, there is an appropriate amount of information that a toddler can handle and it is about sensitively answering her questions honestly without overdoing it and leaving her feeling more overwhelmed and confused.

I think that this situation provides a really good opportunity to face the issue of life and death in a reasonably safe way. She has seen you take in the echidna with love and care and has been up close and personal with it, yet, it is a creature that she is not emotionally involved in like a pet. She will most likely feel something about it of course, but it is not as extreme as say the family dog who has been a companion and is a member of the family.

I would say answer her questions factully, as much as you feel comfortable, but dont try to over explain. Children can tell when we try to hide something and try to lie to them about the big issues and if this happens, they wont trust us when we do need them to. You dont need to have all the answers about life, death, heaven etc yet, they are way too big in terms of concepts for her. Her questions will guide you with what to say. You may be able to find stories from the library to help. I found a picture book about "Mog" the cat dying recently (remember Mog from childhood?) Picture books can help.

Also, be ready to deal with the issue of death coming up in other ways. Your DD has been up close and personal with this echidna so knows something is going on. She may become a bit clingy if she is trying to work through it. On the other hand, it may not be an issue! You never know with kids. Dont push it, just go with it!!

When I was about your DDs age, my mother miscarried a baby at about 20 weeks. I was quite upset as I was quite attached to the idea of a sibling. Mum said that I began having trouble sleeping and would wake in tears at night. She talked with me about it and apparently I was asking all sorts of questions about who would look after me if she died or if dad died. It seems that at 2 I had worked out about life and death and realised what an impact the death of my parents would have on me. Once we sorted out what would happen if my parents passed, I was fine! Always answer children's questions honestly.

[Doing my best]

When my parents dog passed away, we told DD that he was very sick and the dr couldn't make him better. And now he is up in the sky playing..

She often tells me that Chester couldn't get better, and now is up in the sky playing with DS's balloon (cause it flew up in the sky when he let it go).

But we did also tell her that while the vet dr couldn't fix Chester, the dr is very good at making us better when we go to him/her (just so she doesn't think that every one going to the dr is going to die).

[Inertia]

I personally feel yhat you have to be honest with children. I believe that shielding them from the realities of life does not do anyone any favours. That said, there is an appropriate amount of information that a toddler can handle and it is about sensitively answering her questions honestly without overdoing it and leaving her feeling more overwhelmed and confused.

I am going to agree with this. Shielding on the 'smaller things' (for lack of a better word) is not good because then they cannot grasp the concept when it really counts (again, lack of better words) and usually in this situation it is much harder to try and explain.

As an example, I had to explain to my DD (then 5) that her cousin had died, and we don't know why at the wake. I still wasn't able to say the right words. I couldn't use Kassidy's name and died in the same sentence because it was too much just for me, and Princess couldn't understand it at all. DH said the words I couldn't, but it was a hard situation that I wish we had laid groundwork for so when we explain to her that her cousin had died, she wouldn't reply with "But Aunty L can just go to the hospital and get her back"

[Santosha]

Tricky. Our chooks just had to be put down and I really wanted to be straight with 21 mnth old DD but in the end realised that there was nothing that she would really be able to grasp. I was also concerned that she might make the leap that if you get too sick (she knew they were sick) then you go to the doctor and don't come back.

I'm not sure about the understanding of a 2.5 yr old. If I wanted to be frank and at least try to explain death, I'd maybe say that he got so hurt that he died, and that means that even though his body is still here, that the bit inside that makes him feel happy or sad or hungry or sleepy is gone. ???

Never had to do this with really little ones - very keen to hear what others have to say.

[aussienic]

Tell her it died and that sometimes animals and people get sick like plants and you can't do anything to make them better and they die.. and if you are religeous you can go into the heaven side of it and how it is a better place ect ect..

I personally think you are never too young to have things explained to you.. Explain it simply without dwelling on it.. Just say.. The poor Echidna was just too sick even for a Dr to save

[beckoes]

i think i might tell her that the doctor couldnt fix him and he died and went to a special place where his nose is better and he can run around and play....but i know she will ask if we can play with it and will we see it in the garden as she asked that before, so il have to think about how to answer that one. maybe that the special place is far away or something.....not really sure about saying its in the sky. im sure she will tell me im silly and that echidnas cant fly....or somrthing

DH wants to tell her that it got better and we let it go, but i dont see the point in that. FILs dog died a few weeks ago and she loved that dog, so i agreed with DH and we told her that the dog had gone to FIL friends farm so it could run about more. I kind of agreed that it would be to upsetting for her, but i think thins gives me a perfect chance to explain it a bit.

She is a smart little cookie and dwells on stuff and i know that what ever i tell her she will ask about over and over, im not sure how to deal with DH telling me i should have just brushed it off.

[~Kim~]

I'm with the other girls on the honesty bit. Ask her what she thinks happened. Or use the plant thing that she does understand....sometimes when plants don't get what they need/are badly hurt they can't be fixed and can't live anymore, and the same thing happens to animals.
Perhaps a good closure might be her helping to bury the animal and returning it to the earth?

[Kmn]

We had to explain to my little boy that my Dad's partner had died. We said that she became so tired and sick that she died and that she was now gone and he couldn't see her or talk to her any more.
He still asks sometimes "want to talk to H", but he's slowly getting the idea.
I think "was too broken to fix" is a good place to start - kids understand breaking things and that they don't always get repaired.