You know, I want to concentrate on achievements and capabilities when talking about my children and not focus on their appearance at all (inside or out). (Ok, maybe I have to stop fretting about DS' messy hair....)
As for eating, I actually think it's better not to make a fuss about it We're hungry, we eat - there are good food choices and there are other things we have sometimes.
I'm probably in the minority here but I do talk about unhealthy foods making people fat. To all my children, not just my daughter. I see so many overweight kids and I want my kids to know that being overweight is bad for your heart, your joints, your fitness levels. I don't talk about fat being equal to unattractive, or anything like that but I do think it is important for my kids to know that some foods will be more likely to make their bodies grow healthy and strong, and other ones (and eating too much of anything) will have a negative affect on the amount of fat on their bodies. They think no less of fat people, but they do not want to become unfit and fat as they grow because they know that will limit them. As a result of that they are happy to eat sometimes foods in limitation and know the positive reasons behind healthy food choices.
For my daughter I try and do the same as I do with my boys. I compliment her strength, her kindness, her intelligence and how gorgeous she is, because all those things are true. I tell her I love her a dozen times a day and I believe that if she grows up feeling completely loved then she will grow up with a sense that she is worth loving, and self esteem will come from that.
Oh wow, where to start... I'm a high school teacher who has been heavily involved in the welfare team almost my entire career, and have helped (I hope) a lot of girls with body image issues. I also teach media studies so try to teach kids to deconstruct what they see in the media to try and undo the damage it does. Thoughts and words are insidious and unfortunately we women are inclined to deflect the positive and absorb the negative - brings to mind an old cartoon in which a little girl goes to school with a new hair style, everyone she meets throughout the day compliments her, until the end of the day when a boy says something negative to her... she goes home crying and tells her mum, "Everyone hated my hair!"
Some good suggestions above re sometimes food and every day food, as well as reiterating ALL the positives about your child, not just the physical. Can I suggest a book by Dannielle Miller, "The Butterfly Effect" - in the long term it has a lot of good advice on helping your daughter to combat the negative thoughts and influences as she grows up.
This also needs to be considered for boys - male eating disorders are on the rise, which is tremendously sad.
My DD is one year old this Friday and already I refuse to let people call her fat, I offer alternatives, eg rather than "She has such chubby thighs" - "I prefer strong." My MIL is a hard nut to crack on that, but crack it I will - there's a reason her daughters have such appalling body image...
an epic reply and my computer crashed that'll teach me.
Its not just girls- DS1 is really aware of beautiful/ugly fat/thin people. He picked out his 1st clothes at 6mths- a matching set and stil prefers matching sets 5 years later, its funny cause hes a real rough and tumble sort of kid. We arent sure were some of the ideas come from- suspect a teacher or 2 at kindy plant afew. He has been really worried about getting fat- to the point of not wanting to eat. It doesnt help that he doesnt have the "normal" stomach muscles and adults have always teased him about his tummy as being fat-because it sticks out.
So, we talk about how people look different, we have some books about it too. We talk about this food and what it can help you do- some true some a bit of a stretch-ie peas will help you to run fast We talk about junk foods and candy and how it tastes really good but too much is bad for you, bad for your teeth, can make you sick etc. Our kids see us exercise and like to attempt it to- even took DS1 to Yoga a few times with me but he doesnt have the patience for it.
We got him into roller blading so he could have a positive focus and outlet for some energy- it was cool, its a group of kids about his age and a couple of guys in their 20s teach them how to start, how to do a few tricks and even how to do jumps etc.
We talk about the prof sports players- rugby etc and how they have to eat so much and train hard and be super strong to play their games.
He has had a few downer moments with his clothes not being as beautiful or fashionable as some kids in his class. This drives DH crazy, so I talk with him about this. Explain that most familys just have 1 kid and 2 parents working so there is plenty of money, we have 3 kids and 1 parent working so not so much money, but asked what he liked, what was comfortable and said I'd make more of an effort to find things he would like and that would feel comfortable against his skin, but that he maynot get everything he wants/likes. Thank goodness DS2 is too young to care about the hand me downs and most stuff will be worn out by the time it gets round to DD.
I feel its important to tell kids they are beautiful and smart and funny/talented whatever the case maybe.
My mother never seemed to realise the importance of good self esteem-infact left my sister and I with poor self esteem and very little knowledge about life in general as we both moved away as soon as were old enough. To this day she stil tells me my makeup is .... or my clothes are.... among other things. My Mother was always too busy to do much with us, now I make effort to "validate" my kids with time, cuddles, attention and laughter. We do things as a fmaily as well as separate and I think thats important too. To know your family loves you and WANTS to spend time with you, and have fun.
Im not sure as parents we can ever get it "right" but its good to have threads like this to discuss it
Last edited by Butterfly Dawn; November 15th, 2011 at 09:27 PM.
Thank you for all of your advice and thoughts, some great ideas out there. I am so relieved to see I am not the only mother with this issue on my mind. Its tricky raising children in today's world, where they are bombared with images of what a woman and a man 'should be'. Like all mums, I just want the best for my girls and I want to know that I did my absolute best. I guess it really is just all about monitoring what you say and do....but its constant....I guess we should expect to fail now and then, but as long as 99% of the time we can get it right, that is enough right?
Also I read the Kate Winslet article...it was one of the ones that got my mind ticking actually.
Some great posts. I just wanted to add celebrate effort as well as achievement. If she tries hard to accomplish something, then sticking at it, not giving up and making the effort are all worthy of praise.
I try and lead by example, when they ask questions talk about the health and life benefits rather than weight/size. I get them involved with preparing meals where possible so they know by experience what's a good portion size and what can be done with food. They see me & DH exercise and they are active too and I'd like them to keep active even if it is something simple as a family walk after dinner. I'd like them to understand that it's ok to have a treat now and then and it's all about lifestyle. I never reward achievements or good behaviour with food either.
There's a good book I've just started reading called Think: How to stay smart in a dumb downed world by Lisa Bloom. It seems really interesting so far.
I try and lead by example, when they ask questions talk about the health and life benefits rather than weight/size. I get them involved with preparing meals where possible so they know by experience what's a good portion size and what can be done with food. They see me & DH exercise and they are active too and I'd like them to keep active even if it is something simple as a family walk after dinner. I'd like them to understand that it's ok to have a treat now and then and it's all about lifestyle. I never reward achievements or good behaviour with food either.
There's a good book I've just started reading called Think: How to stay smart in a dumb downed world by Lisa Bloom. It seems really interesting so far.
Being overweight I try not to focus on myself too much ie. putting myself down in front of my child. That doesn't mean I don't promote healthy living. I do. I don't think it's good to obsess over anything whether it's skinny, fat, ugly, pretty etc.
I also don't think it's wise to harden up your kids by sending to them into the world with the notion that image doesn't matter. Not unless you want to completely destroy them in a "You are beautiful even in that potato sack" kind of way. I am more about embracing my children's own image of themselves. Letting them explore themselves, and what they like to wear, how they like to do their hair. There is no expected appearance in our household. I think sometimes people can be hypocritical at times by instilling their own agendas into their children by claiming to be anti something. And usually agendas stem from our own filters caused by our own life experiences.
Self confidence is something that needs to be promoted well before the years of "What will I wear." I look at my daughter and she is extremely confident. She has gone through many fashion phases in her life. And she has never, not once cared more about what anyone else thinks over her own opinions. And she's brutally honest too. Which I love. And we don't have the same taste in clothing, but I will never be that parent that makes my child dress the way I think she should be dressed. Even if it means Pink clothing *vomit*
I remember once she came home from school telling me that some girl at school (3 years older) had told her she had skin that was "too white". She told the girl that was ridiculous and that would be like her saying her shoes are too boyish. She said the girl then complimented her on her hair. I explained to her that a) not everything people say they mean, or even realise what they are saying when they are saying it (so don't take it to personally) and b) I think she was attempting to rectify the fact that she had been rude. I think communication about peer pressure, as well as body image and self esteem go hand in hand with raising girls to be confident and have a healthy self image. I'm yet to see how condemning society or burning bras has the same positive experience And please know I'm not suggesting anyone here is doing that... I'm just talking worst case scenario's that I have seen that have turned out to be worse than if they had been left to their own devices.
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We're hungry, we eat - there are good food choices and there are other things we have sometimes.
Wrote
that'll teach me.
And please know I'm not suggesting anyone here is doing that... I'm just talking worst case scenario's that I have seen that have turned out to be worse than if they had been left to their own devices.
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