How to help prepare kids for the world of mean kids?

[Gigi]

Mak, we have come across similar. Even her bestie, saying "if you wear those pants again, i will throw you over the fence" - and bilby BELIEVES it, is fearful to wear those pants again. An adult can reason, that child doesn't have the strength to throw a child over the fence, but my child was scared and believed it.

She never complained about the threats and the bullying from her bestie, just accepted it, but when other kids bullied her (trapping her under a plastic big round rocking thing - big enough for three kids to fit under -, the kids sitting on it and refusing to let her out, they thought it was funny to trap the little kid - she was screaming and they wouldn't release her - i made sure all the kindy staff knew about that, the director tried to make a joke out of it, but i thought that was very serious and not a joking matter at all. Part of the reason i am always so anxious about her lack of eating, she is always the smallest in her age group, and i know the law of the playground, smallest kids usually get picked on more. Survival of the fittest and all that.

i've been teaching bilby - if a child doesn't want to play with you, they might need/want some alone time, or to play with other people, and that's ok, because another time, they will want to play with you. So once they say no, or are not interested, just say "see you later" and play with someone else - and that's ok. My DD was stuck on "she said no, now i don't know what to do", so giving her another option/s, has helped. I hadn't realised that i would need to point that out, it seemed obvious to me, but not obvious to my DD. It was a big concern for her, she hung onto every word when we discussed it (i thought she would ignore whatever i said).

My DD gets upset because of other kids not following rules too, when she sees other kids not covering their mouths when coughing, breaking plants, using toys in hurtful ways etc. The kindy catchphrase is "that child is learning", not "that child is being naughty". I must admit, that did not fly well with me, the day she was trapped against her will, by a number of kids. In other situations, i get it.

[Astrid]

We had the exact same issue with DD1 last year at 4yo Kinder. (Did post about it last year, but sadly got no responses).

Spoke to the Kinder teacher about it and found out that she was not the only one having a few social issues. Seemed there were a few strong personalities, along with quiet kids, so there was a bit of conflict. Part of DD's problem, was that she was too polite, by asking to play first it gave the chance for the other kids to say no. If she just joined in with the play, it was all fine. Due to the number of kids having issues they decided to run a social skills course with someone from the children's centre at the council, it was a great help. Also half way through the year the kinder teacher changed and she was so much better. The first blamed DD a lot, whilst the other put some effort into helping, the whole class seemed to improve with the new teacher.

DD in particular has one frenemy. She would play well, then suddenly pick on her and say horrid things. It was awful, DD would be sobbing each night and it was hard as a parent not to track down the other parent and have a go at them. No matter how much we told DD that this girl was not a friend, she would just respond "but we are all friends at Kinder!" totally frustrating. Wish the first Kinder teacher had never started that rubbish. Had to spend a lot of time explaining that everyone need to be friendly, respect each other, but you don't have to be friends and if you are not friends, then don't be mean to that child. Thankfully the second teacher was of the same opinion.

DD still had issues going into Primary school, she still needed to learn about taking turns with playing, she would go off by herself if they did not want to play her game. Her primary teacher spent a bit of time getting through to her that whilst they may not play her game today, they may tomorrow. We made sure with primary school, that the main offender was in a different class (thankful the school was obliging there), it helped a lot get her away from the "frenemy"

Huge : hug: it can be so hard. Had me close to tears many nights.

[fionas]

I think a lot of kids have issues at this age and not just the gentler ones. DD1 is very outgoing but 'even' she comes home some nights upset because x wouldn't play with her or called her a "poopyhead". She hasn't worn pants for six months because someone told her she looked dumb in pants. Now if I ever find out which kid that was, they will get a serious piece of my mind because I had to go out and buy a whole heap of skirts and tights because now she refuses to wear pants after living in pants for the first three years of her life.

I don't know if it's true of boys too, but it seems a real age for girls of being obsessed with who is their "best friend" and to get a bit cliquey.

I probably have the opposite concern in that DD doesn't seem to play with the same girls, she just plays with whoever. Yes, that should be a good thing but I worry that she's so in-your-face that the other kids just tire of her.

[kelebek]

No matter how much we told DD that this girl was not a friend, she would just respond "but we are all friends at Kinder!" totally frustrating. Wish the first Kinder teacher had never started that rubbish. Had to spend a lot of time explaining that everyone need to be friendly, respect each other, but you don't have to be friends and if you are not friends, then don't be mean to that child.

This is great and I really struggled with how to tell DS that he needs to be polite and friendly while I recognised that doesn't mean you will be friends with everyone. We aren't quite at that stage at school but certainly in the parks etc... I can use this. Thanks