I feel like i'm failing

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Its probably the hormones and the fact i am just feeling so run down but i am at a loss at what to do with DD. She just doesn't listen to me, she does the same naughty things over and over. Eg. Putting toilet paper in the toilet as well as other objects, getting into the laundry into the powder.. I am forever telling her off, she went to time out yesterday after jamming two rolls down the toilet. I felt awful for yelling and putting her there, she ended up falling asleep for 2-3 hours but i sat and cried the whole time.

I try and vent to DP and even my mum but i get the same stupid jokes from them which DON'T help. Keeping the doors closed is useless she knows how to open them hence why she keeps doing it! Ive suggested more child gates but thats more obstacles i have to go over (we already have two)

I know she is coming up to "terrible twos" and i am thankful hers aren't full of tantrums yet but she is just SO destructive. Yesterday after putting her in time out i went into the loungeroom and saw she had poured milk ALL over the entertainment unit which got onto DPs centre speaker, his ps3 and his power amp. I almost died when i saw it and instantly cleaned it up. But i sat there thinking "WHY??????"

I often yell at her, i hadn't smacked her in a while i hated the feeling but ive resorted to that because i just have no patience. I really do feel like i suck at being a parent.

[Lulliloo]

i couldn't read and not give you a you are doing the best job you can at the moment and i bet you're a great mum.
no advice.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Hugs to you - we all fail at this parenting lark, and usually keep on failing until our offspring have children of their own.

While you're probably not in a headspace to do this, what with being towards the end of pregnancy, but is it worth trying natural consequences rather than time out? Your DD has to help clean up the mess she makes. I find I get grumpier cleaning up others' mess so I need help or I get all shouty and mean. I liked doing lots of outdoors time with Liebs as the mess didn't matter so much then - at least until DH changed the back gate so it could be opened easily!

[~clover~]

If you're failing, I'm majorly failing!

DD plays in the toilet... thats fine if the bigger kids have bothered to FLUSH!! We have toilet rolls dumped on the floor & in the toilet. Toys in the toilet. Last night she smeared moisturiser all over my bedroom wall, & in a power point that she turned on while doing it. I'll give her a tiny drink in a cup, or the kids will leave one where she can reach. She'll dump it on whatever/where ever. Usually the loungeroom carpet.

I yell every single night for the toilet door to be kept shut. I still have to say it every bloody night.

I'm at my wits end with DD, but I know that its just a stage & soon she'll hopefully have the capacity to understand WHY you don't put your bikkie in the toilet water like you do a coffee

[Calluna]

honey. I don't have any advice for you but you are so not alone. Did you see my facebook status a couple if days ago? You are not failing. It's just what some toddlers are like I think. At least thats what I tell myself.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I don't really have any advice but to say that ALL kids go through these stages and that we've def all been there.
Hell my girls are 2.5 & 3.5 and they both still get into things.

Regarding the milk, can you get a lock put on the fridge? We had to do this with DD1 as she would get all sorts of random things out and either spill or eat them.
You can buy baby gates that actually have a gate built into them so you lift a little handle and you get to walk through rather than jumping over, it might be worth looking into some of those.

I know it's a PITA but can you get her to 'HELP' you when your doing other things, DD1 loved thinking she was helping and it meant i could keep more of an eye on her, it made it so much easier when i was PG with DD2 if DD1 was happily joining in.
I also found i had to engage her more, i had things to do YES but she needed my attention also and no matter how fat & tired i was (being PG i mean) i had to realise that she NEEDED that attention.

Can you set aside a time of day that is for reading, playing or craft that she KNOWS she will get at roughyl the same time every day, if she's naughty then she doesn't get to do craft etc.

I also agree with her having to help clean up her mess, DD1 has on numerous occasions been made to clean the carpet or the walls.

[FabFiona]

One thing that really helped me was to accept that these behaviours were all normal. Not necessarily naughty or destructive but just part of normal development. Once I realised that, things became a whole lot easier. I even joined in once flinging the laundry powder around and then we cleaned it up together. Good times.

I found that DS1 would only do stuff like that when he was bored. He either wanted me or he wanted something to do. So I kept him busy. I tried to set up stuff the night before by either swapping toys around so they were 'new' ones or using some ideas from this cool website Play at home mom. I joined the local toy library which meant we always had "new" toys to keep him busy.

I'd also try and prepare all of DS1's food for the next day in a lunch box so I wasn't having to have time away from DS1 doing that too.

Life felt a lot like groundhog day for a while, but at least he wasn't being a complete feral because he had more of my attention and interesting things to do. I don't have to do as much of this now as he's older but it really helped when he was going through that stage.

[BrightSparkles]

put the toilet paper up higher, put a lock of the fridge and cupboards, put some of the gates around where you have to lift them to open then not climb over them.
how much is she sleeping? you siad she slept for 2 -3 hours after the time out incident. Could it be that she is overtired and she is acting out? go for a walk, read books, craft, playdough, get her helping you with washing and cleaning up.

[Lenny]

Muppity's post did not come over as judgemental nonsense to me. Nor is this thread anything about whether you agree or disagree with LMS in the past. Each post is taken on it's merits.
Muppity has provided some great advice and even a link to an establishment which would offer even further great advice and opportunites for LMS to learn and grow as a parent. Bellybelly is absolutely no substitute for IRL support and practical assistance.
I don't think hugs is what LMS was after? Perhaps i'm wrong. Cyber hugs are great, but they don't help us to parent in the long run.

I think we all want to see LMS happier and less frustrated than she was when she first posted. LMS is free to read the responses and collect all the advice to do with what she likes. She can ignore what doesn't suit her parenting style and embrace and try out those things that seem like ideas she'd like to try.

[PumpkinZulu]

You're not failing, first and foremost! We do what we can to get by. It sounds like your DD is a high energy little girl I guess the only advice I can give is to try to either be in the same room she is in, or keep her in the same room you are in, because I think no matter how baby proof you make a house, kids will always find something that is breakable etc. Do you have any sort of a routine for her? I find that when I deviate too much from DD's little self imposed routine, she doesn't have as good a day as if I stuck to it. I haven't ever put her in a routine, just watched for her cues and structured stuff around that. So we wake up (used to be 7, now 8-9), have breakfast, read a few stories. Then it's a bottle, nap for an hour (wish she'd sleep longer lol!) then up for a snack and a play, outside if it's nice. Then lunch, toy pack up, bottle, nap for an hour. Then it's up, snack, cleaning the kitchen and lounge while DD plays in the exersaucer, then into the playroom. When it's nice we take a walk. Then DH gets home, dinner, bath/shower, bottle and bed. DD has a lot of energy and likes to interact heaps, so I'm constantly talking or singing to her. I suspect she'll be all up in everything when she's running around too. So that's my only advice, stick with her if possible and tire her out But you are not failing! She's always got the biggest smile on her face in pics, so you're doing it right!!

[Lenny]

She's not even two yet. She's unlikely to listen to you when you tell her not to do stuff. She's WAY more likely to lisen to you if you tell her to DO something.
Try to remember she'd not being destructive. She has not idea what being destructive means. She is playing and having fun. I would doubt she made the link between being smacked and the thing she'd just done wrong. She's too young. She'd more likely to just think she can't do anything.

You will be more preoccupied when a new baby comes. You need to sit down with DP and really, really invest some time and energy into protecting DD from toilets and laundry powder etc. Those things can cause her real harm, if you aren't looking and you already know she's a curious little soul. The time and energy and money will pay off. It's just something that a lot of parents have to do to make things easier for everyone in the long run.

I'm not sure you can 'blame' terrible twos. Children don't just turn two and become terrible.

Perhaps you need to schedule some serious mum and DD time in say, 30 min blocks doing lots of fun things - singing, drawing, play-dough. Then she might be more content to play quietly for 10 mins. Then you can join in and play with her and get her little brain active...and tired out. Then she'll sleep well and you'll get a good decent break.

Involve her in the boring stuff like hanging the washing - she has to pass you a peg. She can watch or 'help' while you peel potatoes. My kids used to crack up at all the silly peeling shapes - i have no idea why! Then you get stuff done - and she gets to be stimulated and spend time with her favourite person.

I don't really leave my kids alone yet - and they are much older than yours. They still require lots of my attention to play and keep occupied. They've never really wanted to play on their own

No-one's perfect. Just try to go easy on her. She's only so little, you might be expecting too much from her.

[Muppity]

Oh honey - I can hear how frustrated you are.

Like others have said - she isn't purposely being naughty - she is just experimenting to only with what she is playing with but also with how you react. She is only little and these things are all really exciting.

My DD is a bit older and is constantly doing crazy stuff but it is because she thinks that it is hilarious to put paper in the toilet - mummy does it after all.

One thing I will say - there is no way that my DD would understand timeout. She understands me stopping her doing something by moving her to another room but there is no way that she would understand that she is being ignored etc because she was bad. I'm not sure it is a good idea to let her fall asleep in timeout. Maybe explaining why she shouldn't be doing something then distracting her with something else would work better.

You only have a few more weeks with just you and DD so why not ignore the dishes and vacuuming (and BB if necessary - we will understand lol) and go on some adventures with DD. I know it is cold outside but the days are actuall beautiful so throw on a jacket and walk to the playground, she will be happy and worn out and you will get some quiet time when she is asleep afterwards . If it is really too cold outside then do something with her inside like playdo or drawing or sitting on the kitchen floor drumming on the pots and pans - remember that you and time with you are more fun than anything else in her whole world.

[Heaven]

She's not even two yet. She's unlikely to listen to you when you tell her not to do stuff. She's WAY more likely to lisen to you if you tell her to DO something.
Try to remember she'd not being destructive. She has not idea what being destructive means. She is playing and having fun. I would doubt she made the link between being smacked and the thing she'd just done wrong. She's too young. She'd more likely to just think she can't do anything.

You will be more preoccupied when a new baby comes. You need to sit down with DP and really, really invest some time and energy into protecting DD from toilets and laundry powder etc. Those things can cause her real harm, if you aren't looking and you already know she's a curious little soul. The time and energy and money will pay off. It's just something that a lot of parents have to do to make things easier for everyone in the long run.

I'm not sure you can 'blame' terrible twos. Children don't just turn two and become terrible.

Perhaps you need to schedule some serious mum and DD time in say, 30 min blocks doing lots of fun things - singing, drawing, play-dough. Then she might be more content to play quietly for 10 mins. Then you can join in and play with her and get her little brain active...and tired out. Then she'll sleep well and you'll get a good decent break.

Involve her in the boring stuff like hanging the washing - she has to pass you a peg. She can watch or 'help' while you peel potatoes. My kids used to crack up at all the silly peeling shapes - i have no idea why! Then you get stuff done - and she gets to be stimulated and spend time with her favourite person.

I don't really leave my kids alone yet - and they are much older than yours. They still require lots of my attention to play and keep occupied. They've never really wanted to play on their own

No-one's perfect. Just try to go easy on her. She's only so little, you might be expecting too much from her.

:yeahthat: (just for you Lenny )

I think you are expecting a bit much sorry. She's not even two yet. She's not trying to be naughty, she just hasn't developed the impulse control to be able to stop doing things she's not supposed to even though she knows she shouldn't. I often see my DD2 touching things she shouldn't while saying to herself 'No, don't touch'. She knows she isn't supposed to touch but she's just a baby and hasn't developed impulse control yet, she can't help herself. There's no use punishing her for something she hasn't developed yet, just like you wouldn't punish a baby for not being able to walk yet ITMS?

So all you can do is put away things you don't want her to get in to.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Thanks everyone.

When i posted this earlier i was very frazzled and frustrated with her. She is a great little girl and is VERY inquisitive (sp?) so i know she does these things because i do them (the toilet and the laundry) when i said she poured milk, i meant from her drink bottle she doesnt have any access to the kitchen. Ever since she got in the pantry at 10 months and broke a vodka bottle on the floor she hasn't been back in since.

I really do need to start reminding myself how little she is, and how sometimes she isn't being naughty but trying to be like mummy. When she fell asleep in time out i felt awful, she wasnt supposed to! So when she woke up we had big cuddles and looked at toy catalogues together.

Another reason i don't feel cut out to be a parent is the lack of patience and understanding, im the type of person who i expect everyone to be on the same page as me and do things the way i want them done (its one of my many flaws im sure)

We had a great day together today. Even at my crankiest she always gives me kisses and cuddles which sometimes im surprised she does as i can be quite mean (since being pregnant with raging hormones).

I've asked DP to bring home some little locks for the doors, he has one on his computer room so she cant get in so ill put one of the toilet and laundry.

[Cass72]

You're not a horrible mother and the twos aren't "terrible" - they're just TWO!

DS2 is constantly flushing things - did you know that matchbox cars flush away "gone, with poos" as he delightfully put it.

Don't be hard on yourself. DS1 is 17 & 1/2. He's copped his fair share of "bad-mood mum" (I'm a door slammer and yeller if I get real mad) and you know what? We have a wonderful relationship. He talks to me about anything and everything. He got the odd smack if he was really really naughty (running out onto the road, sticking things in power points, breaking something with intent etc..). Even now if he really sh*ts me I'll tell him off.

FWIW DH and I quickly figured out that it's just not worth it to worry over some things. Choose your battles. DH and I laughed uproaresly over the flushed matchbox car - clearly NOT in front of DS2, he was told that it was naughty and he shouldn't do things like that because a) the toilet would break and b) he can't get his car back - ever! Did that stop him from flushing a full roll of toilet paper? NO! Did that stop him from trying to flush a book down the toilet? NO! I just take things off him that he tries to flush away. Same goes for things he deliberately rips or breaks.

I never try to reason with him - he's TWO for goodness sake. He has the same retention as my bull mastiff (which is nill).

• When he continuously pulled all the games off the bookshelf I ended up moving the ones I didn't want him to touch to a higher shelf and leaving the other ones that he could play with on the lower shelves.
• When he tears a book, I leave it on the kitchen bench where he can see it and tell him, no he can't have it because he ripped it.
• When he throws food onto the floor (when we are out) just to get my intention instead of picking it up or getting him a new one I just calmly put it into the bin.

Give yourself a break - you're tired. This happens. We're parents and it is an exhausting job. It's also a rewarding job.

Try and think about what's important. Our kids grow up way too quickly.

I was watching the politically incorrect parenting show last night and he finished off with acknowledging that one day you'll look back on these times and give anything to have just a moment again - even the tantrums and tears. It's true.

I try to praise the good behaviour and get over the bad as quickly as possible.

Hmmm.... what was that other thing he said on the show last night? All behaviour is communiction.

It's a good thing to go by.....

.... my two cents. I didn't read any other posts, so I don't know what others have said - I just read your initial post.

[Gigi]

When you are tired and rundown, feeling like "it's overwhelming me" (know that one well), it's SO hard to think straight, let alone think of solutions. Stuff you would think of in a second, if you weren't feeling so tired at the time. You know how it's always easier to brainstorm solutions, for other people, compared to helping yourself? DOn't be hard on yourself, you're in the middle of it and prolly exhausted.

pick the things that are annoying you the most
e.g the laundry powder
e.g the toilet rolls
(they;re two examples i remember you mentioning)

try thinking about it from these two angles -
how to limit the damage she can possibly do
how to limit the access she can have to these things

what she can't access, she can't access

if you're renting, this will be partly determined, by what is in your place

i had tall laundry cupboard, so put powder, and anything else poisonous, up on high shelf of cupboard, put babylock on that door. Plus kept the laundry door shut. (baby gate kept her out).

If you don't have a tall cupboard, what about top of the fridge? That is usually a high place.


WIth the loo rolls, is it the spares she gets into, or the loo roll in the loo for use?
Not much you can do about the one out for use, but could the spares be kept up high, inside a cupboard with a baby lock on it?

i bought a fabric thingn you hook over back of a door, up reasonably high, that you put spare loo rolls in, so that's what i use where i am now (with not one laundry or bathroom cupboard).

i used four baby gates too, to effectively "corral" bilby into the areas, so i had SOME rooms where i didn't have to make them so babyproof - it took heaps of stress off me to do that, even though i baulked at the price of four baby gates at the time. (a baby first aid course drummed into me, how babygates can save lives, esp for bathroom and kitchen, where most household accidents occur, so that's why i got them).

good luck

pick your battles
see if just positioning and $5 babylocks for cupboards, might just stop some of these behaviours.

no doubt she'll find something ELSE that's wildly exciting for her!

does she like playing with a bag of pegs? or putting magnets on the fridge? bilby used to love sorting small bits of fabric (like boosters, prefolds, facewashers etc). making endless piles. i never understood it, but she loved it. best thing was they were quiet activities and made no mess (for me to clean up ha ha).

i'm glad she hasn't clogged up the loo so bad you need the plumber.

[Muppity]

LMS please don't be purposely mean to your DD. and don't blame raging hormones for your behavior. Once you have the next baby will your excuse be that you are tired or sleep deprived and what happens if neither of them are doing what you want them to do?

Imagine yourself as your DD for a moment. Her Mum, the most important person in her world, and who she loves and displays affection to in every way that a toddler can, is mean to her and knows that she is being mean and still does it. How does it feel? Now as LMS think about how you feel when people are mean to you, and then remember that you are an adult and can walk away from situations that you don't like, your DD can't do that.

Maybe it would be useful for you to chat to someone about your relationship with DD and the change in dynamic that will happen when DS arrives... Marymead offers a great program for parents itch young kids and there is a special one for preparing the family for a new baby. Here is the link http://www.marymead.org.au/programs/...y-life-matters

[BrightSparkles]

LMS please don't be purposely mean to your DD. and don't blame raging hormones for your behavior. Once you have the next baby will your excuse be that you are tired or sleep deprived and what happens if neither of them are doing what you want them to do?

Imagine yourself as your DD for a moment. Her Mum, the most important person in her world, and who she loves and displays affection to in every way that a toddler can, is mean to her and knows that she is being mean and still does it. How does it feel? Now as LMS think about how you feel when people are mean to you, and then remember that you are an adult and can walk away from situations that you don't like, your DD can't do that.

Maybe it would be useful for you to chat to someone about your relationship with DD and the change in dynamic that will happen when DS arrives... Marymead offers a great program for parents itch young kids and there is a special one for preparing the family for a new baby. Here is the link http://www.marymead.org.au/programs/...y-life-matters

I totally agree with this post.
By continuing to use hormones/pregnancy and down the track possible tiredness, sleep deprivation etc you are teaching K that it's ok to be cranky and mean all the time. You are teaching her that she has an excuse for everything. I know she is little and she doesn't understand but at the end of the day, she is learning from you.

I'm going to sound quite blunt here now but i think you need to hear it.....
You need to stop making excuses. I KNOW how hard pg can be with a little one around, I know how tired you get, how painful it can be etc. I've done it. But at the end of the day, you need to take some responsability for the way you are parenting. You need to take some responsability and put locks on the doors, put things our of reach etc. Maybe do some research about ways to work with and encourage K to be her own spirted person. Talk with others who have been there done that - and take on what they say. I agree with Muppity, i think that you need to chat to someone about how thing new baby will change the relationships and dynamics in the house and get some sggestions on how to deal with this - it isn't going to be an easy ride.
I'm going to stop here because I think you need to have a think about the type of life you want to be leading.... one full of stress and anger or one that is slightly less stressful with fun times and great memories??? Only you can decide this.