So is she insecure about the baby and just not telling me or is this pretty normal?

[Cranky Kitten]

DD is 9 years old. Since she was 2 she has lived with her Dad (XP) and spent every second weekend at my place. Last year DH and I got married after having been together for about 2.5 years, living together for 2 years. She adores DH, gets along really well with him and he dotes on her which completely makes me melt. She's also been talking about a baby brother or sister for quite a while now.

On and off over the years she's asked about coming to live with me, or now me and DH. Last year we sat down with her, her Dad and the two of us to discuss this and agreed that it will most likely be when she starts high school - so about another 3-4 years away. Currently both DH and I work fulltime whereas XP works part-time to fit in with DDs school hours and can be there for her before and after school.

The last couple of months or so she's been saying how much she misses me and that she cries sometimes because I'm not there. I've reassured her that she can ring me any time she wants to even if it's just for a chat before bed. If I can't answer straight away because of work I'll call her back when I can. XP I know supports this.

About 3 weeks ago I found out I am pregnant after having been trying for about 6 months or so. DD knew we were trying for a baby all along, and we told her a couple of weeks ago. So far she's been extremely sweet and considerate of me, telling me to make sure I'm careful etc to look after the baby and seems really excited.

But this weekend she's been a bit of a handful, not listening to us and just pushing the envelope as far as what's expected of her - we don't really expect much other than to tidy her room, make her bed and keep her bathroom tidy (toys away, clothes in the wash). Then when we dropped her off at Dad's she kept asking if she could stay with us, crying and so on.

I don't know, is she possibly a bit insecure about the idea of a new baby, or am I reading too much into it? Anyone got any advice on making sure she's not feeling left out or anything when bub does arrive that's suited to an older child rather than a toddler?

[MrsBexie]

I wish I had some cool advice, but considering i have never been in the situation I don't really know.

ut maybe taking her for some special mummy daughter time would help calm any fears she has? Like go have a "coffee" (milkshake etc) with her so she knows nothing will change between you guys??

Congrats on the pg!!!!

[PumpkinZulu]

Not sure about whether she feels insecure about the pregnancy (congratulations!) but to me it sounds like she might be in the very early beginnings of puberty, and perhaps with the emotional changes that are starting, she is feeling drawn more towards her mummy than her dad

[MrsBexie]

Oh that's a good point!!!!! Puberty can make kids do some funny things!

[~Stoked~]

Not sure about whether she feels insecure about the pregnancy (congratulations!) but to me it sounds like she might be in the very early beginnings of puberty, and perhaps with the emotional changes that are starting, she is feeling drawn more towards her mummy than her dad

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Congratulations!

[Cranky Kitten]

Eeeek I didn't even think of that!

Thanks girls, I think I'll just stay close and available, but consistent with the household expectations.

[Artechim]

If I were in her situation I would probably be jealous. You are telling her that it doesn't suit for her to live with you atm, but then you are getting a baby who can live with you. I know you must have your reasons, but to a 9 year old it must seem like you rearranging things for the baby but won't do the same for her.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, just giving my opinion.

[Kazzo]

If I were in her situation I would probably be jealous. You are telling her that it doesn't suit for her to live with you atm, but then you are getting a baby who can live with you. I know you must have your reasons, but to a 9 year old it must seem like you rearranging things for the baby but won't do the same for her.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, just giving my opinion.

This is what I thought first too.

[Yeddi]

I don't think it's the baby, especially if she was asking on and off before you knew... but there is something about what you've written, I don't know, it makes me... uncomfortable. I could be reading too much into it, or it could just be the phrasing... I don't know.

How is her relationship with her dad? Could there be something going on there that makes her not want to live with him anymore but she wouldn't feel free to voice it in a group meeting about where she's going to live? Clash of personalities, girlfriends she doesn't like, neighbours giving her a hard time, something else again... It would be interesting to see what SHE would choose if you gave her the private option of living with you but having to go into care before and after school or staying with your XP - asking her at a time when you are alone with her (just the two of you), and she feels safe. If she was happy to go into an after school program instead of staying with her dad, alarm bells would be going off for me.

[Heaven]

If I were in her situation I would probably be jealous. You are telling her that it doesn't suit for her to live with you atm, but then you are getting a baby who can live with you. I know you must have your reasons, but to a 9 year old it must seem like you rearranging things for the baby but won't do the same for her.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, just giving my opinion.

I thought the same.

[fionas]

Agree with Artechim. If I was her, I'd find it very hard to fathom why a baby can live with you but not her. Very hard.

[Marlene]

If I were in her situation I would probably be jealous. You are telling her that it doesn't suit for her to live with you atm, but then you are getting a baby who can live with you. I know you must have your reasons, but to a 9 year old it must seem like you rearranging things for the baby but won't do the same for her.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, just giving my opinion.

Exactly my thoughts...and also the pre-pubrty thing wouldn't be helping either.

[*Sparklez*]

Being in a situation where i have my eldest children but often these days im lucky to see them once a week, due to their boy issues and him being better equipped to deal with them, i am getting your dd's plight..
My boys are 10 and 9 this yr and they are crazy about their dad and he left us for another woman whom has another child ( not his), my kids always had resentment towards him and always would act out due to the abandonment and other issue's.

I dont mean to sound mean and i dont mean to be patronising but i totally agree with artechim... too her she is seeing her mum build another family with out her in it, and to her it probably seems that this baby is going to have you from day one and she is still waiting till she is old enough to be part of it. this is going to be a very tricky situation and if she is feeling like this its only going to get worse, and alot more harder once this baby comes..
Although she may be hitting puberty, she is going to be riding all the hormones that are going to make her alot more difficult to understand and also its going to affect her alot more due to her going through puberty...

[Cranky Kitten]

Interesting points. I can see how that could cause insecurity/jealousy and were it solely my choice I'd be open to having her come to live with us a bit earlier. I had hoped that by having a definite timeframe for the move these type of problems would be alleviated. We haven't said no you can't ever come live with us, but more a now isn't the right time.

Yeddi - her relationship with her Dad is excellent. As is her relationship with her extended family on that side, she often spends time with Grandma and Grandad plus a heap of aunties and cousins. I have absolutely no concerns as far as anything untoward happening when it comes to her Dad - I was abused by my own father as a child and I can say if I had the slightest tiniest doubt about my ex as a father she wouldn't be with him.

She has had some trouble with bullying and an unsupportive school environment lately, so we are now in the process of moving her into a private school nearby - so yes, there's a lot happening in her life at the moment. I am hoping that she will be able to come over more often during the week and spend more time with us when I'm on leave but bringing forward when she will move permanently is something that I'd really need to discuss at length with both DH and her Dad.

[MummyNaomi]

I totally agree with Artechim too

Have you considered re-evaluating the living situation - perhaps now is the right time for her to be with her Mum, in 3-4 years she will be a young woman (girls grow up so quickly these days) and you risk leaving it too late. By making time for a newborn and not your 9yo in your busy life you are sending your 9 year old a very strong message Simply, I guess from the outside looking in it seems you are prepared to make room in your life for a new child you don't even have yet instead of the one you do.

Just trying to let you consider a totally different perspective on the situation - your 9yo is probably wondering about some of these things

[Miss.September]

I'm with the other replies too. My parents split, and my dad ended up with two boys from his new partner (his step-children) who lived with him full time. It broke my brother's heart.

[Cranky Kitten]

So talking with DH last night about this - we've decided to talk to her Dad about her possibly spending the summer holidays with us (bub isn't due till November and I'll be working until quite close hopefully) and then next year work out some sort of shared care arrangement for next year where she can spend some time with us during the week and I'll drop her off at school and still alternate weekends. Not entirely sure how this will work yet though - will depend a lot on XP.

[Cass72]

I also agree with Artechim.

FWIW, this is my situation:

DHs two kids live with their mum - their choice. They are in WA at the moment but we did move there to be close to them for two years. They still made it quite clear that they preferred to live with mum and only see us on weekends when they weren't otherwise involved in activities mum had planned (sorry.... can't help but get catty and I digress!!)

Anyway, my DS lives with us and is the same age as DHs DS and his daughter is about to turn 13. Since DH and I had our bub last year his DS has been slightly hostile and refers to his new brother as "it". I haven't said anything to DH about that. DSS and I keep in contact regularly on FB and don't have a problem per se.

Getting back to my original point...... I think his kids resent the fact that DH has a new baby who lives with him full time (as well as my DS) yet it is their choice that they live with their mum. So I guess, in a nutshell, this is something that you should nip in the bud and discuss what the new baby means in relation to your relationship with your daughter.

Did I make much sense?