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Yeah maybe it's just the wording. "Talking back" has such a negative connotation to me, it seems weird to celebrate it. It seems what you are celebrating is her speaking her feelings in a respectful way? Of course that is OK! Defiance or disrespect isn't.:
Yeah it does sound negative. But I was kind of just trying to get across that when I was a kid this would have been seen as 'talking back'. You couldn't argue with your parents, even if they were wrong. And I am happy we are not going down the same path :)
Great thread Heaven! :)
My DD1 is the same! And I see it as a positive thing too. She will say things like "but mum I was wanting to wear those shoes that's not fair of you!" and "you aren't listening to me and I am trying to talk to you" which says to me that this little 3yr old is a person with rights, wants, needs and deserves respect.
We also try to parent uncondionally and without rewards, bribes or punishments. Sometimes that's hard to do but we are always conscious of it. Sometimes we use timeout but we say "please go to your room to calm yourself down and think about how you hurt your sister". I think that's respectful and we all need to do that sometimes even as adults ;)
I think it's wrong when parents seem to have a power thing over their kids as in authoritarian parenting styles because it just creates a constant struggle then! Must be stressful? Might make the kids think "mum and dad don't care about my feelings or my say?" I remember feeling a bit this way growing up. It was frustrating at times.
We don't allow our DD1 to talk disrespectfully to us and if she does (ie. dad get me a milk!) she is very quickly put in her place. ("A it is NOT ok to talk to me like that, please use manners")
LOL what? Not all parents who have authoritarian elements in their parenting are in a constant struggle, not everyone finds it stressful, or have kids who think that mum and dad don't care about their feelings.:
There are so many ways of parenting, and what works for one child won't work for another, even within the one family. But until you've peeked into their homes and hearts, and see how it works for THEM, you really can't comment on how much of a stress or struggle it is.
Is it right or wrong? I don't think anyone really gets to make that call. Especially people who don't see how you do it in action. That's why, despite having a different perspective to Heaven, I never said her style is wrong, I just said it would work differently in our house.
We really need to end this "right / wrong", "I approve / I disapprove" judgment when it comes to parenting. So long as parents are loving, informed, doing what works for them and their kids, they aren't "wrong".
She's talking about how she was parented. I think that's allowed. Not you or me or anyone else. Her experiences. I think that's ok.
Id much rather logical, calm talking back, than a hysterical tantruming child!
Hubby grew up in a culture that is very much do just what u r told. They start teaching it as babys. Now people are rebelling and not controlling their child at all. In a multi child family that just doesn't work and in a single child family that creates monsters. (when I say control I mean they don't seem to have ANY rules).
there are times when you need your child to do what they are told with out reasoning and other times its ok to debate things.
I think the power to be able to debate something is important. I was never taught that by my control freak mother so as an adult its taking me an eon to learn when and where I can/should debate and when to leave it.
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unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. its not.
Dr Seuss
Me too! And I've actually found this way has stopped a lot of tantrums. The tantrums that are because of frustration and not being listened to anyway.:
Now I am noticing it all the time after starting this thread, lol. Today when I asked her to do something she said to me 'Mummy, I'm not going to do that unless you say please DD1' LOL. Fair point I think.
And I may be strange but my goal actually isn't obedient children. Probably sounds odd but I don't actually want them to just do as I say. Sometimes I think FFS I wish they would just listen to me and do it!! But overall, that's not what I want really. I want to teach and guide them to make their own decisions based on their own morals and be intrinsically motivated to do the right thing. As opposed to doing things because that's what I want (or what they might be punished or rewarded for). So for me, one of the ways I'm personally trying to do that is by welcoming respectful discussion/debate/disagreement or anything they have to say really. It's definitely not for everyone but I'm just pleased that so far it seems to be working out for us :)
And you know what. Nine times out of ten they are imitating our parenting. So hypothetically if we don't like the way it sounds when it's said to us, then maybe then need to change the way we say things too ;)
Oh yes! The number of times I have heard something from DD1 that is straight from my mouth, lol. And sometimes it's just what I need to hear.
Absolutely!! Same here!!:
Maruschke - I think you may have misinterpreted my piost and somehow taken unnecessary defence at it? It was not aimed at you or anyone. Just my thoughts based on my experiences actually :) "I think it's wrong" yes thats my opinion just like you have yours. If you don't agree then that's cool with me. Everyone parents differently, well that's pretty obvious.