hun, your not failing at all, your an AMAZING mum and the photo's i see of your boys playing with other kids, they always look so gentle and content.
I think the thing to remember is EVERY child can push the boundaries (even those who look like perfect angels in public).
I think you just need to work out a balance (like HotI has suggested) between what works for your DH that you accept and what works for you that he accepts.

DP and I have different ideas on parenting, i've come to realise that sometimes his way is right and others my way is right - our girls are quite spirited little people too, very full on and into everything and it's not easy.
Not only are they full on and curious in activites and exploring but also in the attitudes, it's hard finding the right balance.