To smack or not to smack

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I really dont see how its possible to teach a child by using violence. You're only teaching your child that its ok to hit when you're angry.

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When i smack my DD back its straight away, its almost a reflex i have no time to feel anything and i sure don't feel angry. I just do what she did to me to show her its not nice. I have only ever once smacked her in anger/frustration was when she ran out in front of that box, but i think it was mostly fueled by fear. I smacked her the hardest that time but i had to send a strong message that when mummy says stand next to her she has to stand there and running out onto the road when the bus is pulling up at the stop is VERY dangerous. Now when we wait for the bus she will stand or sit next to me, she doesn't act scared she just knows thats what she has to do. But if she does get close to the road i ask her stand next to me and she does.

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When i smack my DD back its straight away, its almost a reflex i have no time to feel anything and i sure don't feel angry.

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Okay, I'm sooo not saying this to have a go, but I feel like you illustrated something really important. People who say they were smacked and it didn't affect them...I think this shows that it did, because immediately the initial reaction is to lash out and hit, there are no coping mechanisms before that, it's just bam, tap/hit/smack. Automatic. So I think it does affect people.

My response is directly to the OP 18/12

My DH & I are on somewhat different pages in relation to discipline (yes, still after 4 years). He thinks I am too soft and am raising a 'naughty' and want all little girl. To some point I agree with him, but that is out of sheer laziness that sometimes I can't be bothered with the 'naughty' behaviour and choose to ignore it/walk away. I do choose my battles alot of the time and I will agree that I am like that with other adults. Some battles I can't be bothered fighting, anyway I regress.

My DH doesn't think it is an issue smacking (tapping) DD on the bottom if she is doing or saying something that is not considered an acceptable behaviour to us. I dislike smacking, although prior to DD I was open to smacking. When my DH smacked DD the first time for doing something 'naughty' I nearly burst into tears. It really felt wrong - emotionally and physically wrong. I do use that example to DH now and then to remind his that I don't think it is acceptable to smack (hit) adults so why children? He really has no basis (IMO) for his argument. He is also at times a little emotionally abusive with DD, which ends up in us fighting....!

I have tapped DDs hand before when she has done something 'naughty' but I realised after talking to my sister (whom is a Primary School teacher), friends who do & don't smack and threads like this, that I told DH that I want to try other strategies, not to smack. It is still a bit of a battle with my DH, because sometimes he (and I) find it difficult in the heat of the moment to think / try another strategy. We are really challenged and pushed by DD sometimes that I want to yell at her. I do walk away to calm down and try to talk to her. At the moment if she doesn't want to listen, she covers her ears, so another challenge to overcome! (any tips would be welcome!)

In the past we have tried time out & that worked for a short time but as DD matured she needed some other strategies. Most of the time I do raise my voice slightly and tell her what she needs to do & why, most of the time she is compliant (for what of a better word). I know I never smacked my DD when she went to touch a hot oven or when she went to take off in a carpark or road and she has learnt from me telling her 'danger' or 'hot'.

I guess what I am trying to verbalise is that I have to change my strategies as DD gets older. What once worked, now has no impact and yes, I do agree with being consistent as much as possible, repetition certainly helps to reinforce a preferred behaviour and keeps the lines of communication open helps as well. I also consult BB and other forums for tips and chat to other parents that don't smack for their strategies.

My Dad smacked (well used his belt or open hand) to discipline us kids (more my sister & I). I was a very quiet child, rarely in trouble so I was very rarely smacked. I know it hurt and I was scared to put a foot wrong for fear of being smacked. So, I guess it worked in that respect but I don't believe any child should be fearful of anyone. My mum on the other hand was a yeller - yelled all the time, so we just tuned out. Communication was non-existant at our house, my mum always used the 'because I said so' and it drove me batty - please just talk to me!
I remember smoking in Primary School and had to go home and tell my parents. As two smoking parents, what were they going to say to me (apart from it being illegal for a child to smoke) when they were doing the same behaviour? I think of that when thinking about smacking a child. You won't let them smack you but you use the same technique to try to stop them doing it - it doesn't quite make sense to me.

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. I just do what she did to me to show her its not nice.

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I hear this one from people too, i.e. the only way to stop them biting is to bite them back etc etc. Personally I want my child not to hit me in the face because they know it hurts and they don't want to hurt me, not because they're afraid of getting smacked in the face themselves. That's not really teaching them the real reason why they shouldn't do it, just to be afraid of you and do whatever you say. I agree that smacking can work sometimes, so can CIO, but the reason it works is not ok with me. I never ever want my child to feel afraid of me. I want to show them that we can work problems out together and they can come to me with anything.

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I agree that smacking can work sometimes, so can CIO, but the reason it works is not ok with me. I never ever want my child to feel afraid of me. I want to show them that we can work problems out together and they can come to me with anything.

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This is what I think too and how I explained it to DH when we had the conversation about smacking.

My kids have never been afraid of me but they have been afraid of getting a smack.

Regards,
Dianne

That confuses me. You can't seperate your actions and you. If a dog bit me, I'd then be scared of the dog, not just the bite. And just because a human being will still love and seek comfort from someone who hits them, doesn't mean they're not scared that if they do the wrong thing, they will be hit by that person.

I mean, each to their own, but personally I don't want my child to associate my presence in their lives with being hit, like they do with their dad.

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That confuses me. You can't seperate your actions and you. If a dog bit me, I'd then be scared of the dog, not just the bite. And just because a human being will still love and seek comfort from someone who hits them, doesn't mean they're not scared that if they do the wrong thing, they will be hit by that person.

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yes. I agree.

A child will keep seeking comfort from a parent who completely abuses them, they are so fragile and need our protection, not our violence.

It's been said over and over, but really. If you wouldn't resolve things by hitting an adult, why oh why oh why would you hit a child?

My heart is breaking at the thought of so many children whose parents feel justified to resort to violence to deal with them. You know what? It's really NOT OK!

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My heart is breaking at the thought of so many children whose parents feel justified to resort to violence to deal with them. You know what? It's really NOT OK!

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You know what, i am offended you say this! I don't need or WANT anybody feeling sorry for my DD or any future kids i have. I do not beat my child nor will i ever beat her. A little tap here and there will do her no harm especially when whatever she was doing to get one would have damaged her ALOT more such as getting killed or being scarred for life trying to tip my cup of boiling coffee on herself. A tap on the hand/bottom is NOTHING compared to those and me saying over and over "please don't do that" didn't work and i had to do something. She now listens to me when i say that to her.

And NO child will not seek comfort from a person who they are afraid of. I NEVER once sought comfort from the man who beat me from the age of 5 until 11 years old. And i will NEVER even though he has apologised. I have though sought comfort from my mother who did discipline me as a child and thats how i saw it DISCIPLINE not an act of violence or "damaging" me and i don't know one single person who sees it like that. And if they did then what they got as 'discipline' wasn't right. I was always explained to why i was smacked which is what i do with my DD.

Why can't people just accept that there are people in this world who use smacking as a form of discipline and accept that their kids DO turn out ok! Why do people treat this topic like its a new thing?? Back in the days when my mum was a small child or even when my grand parents were children they got harsher punishments.

What i do find unacceptable is forcing a child to swallow chilli sauce or dishwashing liquid when theyre naughty! I had soap forced upon me by a babysitter and that was damaging for me, i had never felt so humiliated or violated in my whole life! I was 4 years old and i can remember that moment as clear as day but i could not tell you every time i was smacked because obviously it doesn't bother me.

Nothing anybody will say to me will change the way i parent.

No-one has the right to tell you how to parent.

Everyone parents differently. I'm sure alot of you wouldn't be 'happy' with how I'm raising my child and how i intend to raise my next one.

I agree with you, LMS. I see your point clear as day.
It doesn't mean that I will do exactly as you do, but I don't know that I won't. DD is only just 1 and we are yet to decide on a disipline route for her. Yes, she gets a tap on the hand occationally, but I will never be made to feel bad for that.

I was smacked as a child. I could say I turned out ok, but how would I know? I don't know any differently.

I do know I feared my parents and yet I still loved them and sought comfort from them. My kids were scared to death of their dad and bent over backwards to please him when they were younger. I do know that you can teach children about danger without hitting them because I did it as have lots of others. I DO know people who are damaged by corporal 'discipline' - my children are examples of that. And obviously a fair few people who have participated in this thread feel damaged by it too or there would not be such strong opinions about it.

But suffice to say, your kids are yours and not mine, so I actually have no investment at all on the way you parent. I just know I wish my kids had never had to experience that and perhaps had I known them what I know now, I might have done something sooner instead of assuming all would be fine.

I'm sure you are insulted by my feelings, but I have vowed in life to never be a passive spectator to the ills of the world.

The truth is there is a strong agreement in the medical, educational and psychological world that states training children with violence is not OK. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's irrelevant how hard you hit your child.

Why not just take the scorching coffee away instead of hitting them? There are alternatives, and without using violence a child will still learn not to grab hot liquid, or do you think they'd still do it at 20?


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:hug: Sushee

And for the record I too don't judge anyone on how they parent. I do what I do for my children because it's what I believe, I won't challenge you so in turn don't challenge me and we'll all get along fine :) That doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on how I want my children to be parented, that doesn't mean I'm challenging you. But the reason I get defensive is because when it's insinuated that the only reason I don't smack is because my children are angels I will defend myself because it is not at all accurate. Not in the slightest. That's not to say that I would change it, I wouldn't as the benefits are obvious on a daily basis.

And if me sharing helps someone, then I'm grateful for that. Because this is how I learned too.

And I have bad days just the same as anyone else, smack or no smack. Parenting is a hard job, no matter which way you butter your bread.

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Why not just take the scorching coffee away instead of hitting them? There are alternatives, and without using violence a child will still learn not to grab hot liquid.

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She had a firm grip on the cup, im surprised she didn't burn her fingers! I tried pulling her hands off but she kept grabbing so a small tap on her hand was all that worked. If i had of stood up that would have given her a chance to pull it on herself. I do however now drink my hot drinks at the kitchen bench. Of course i should have done that to begin with but hey can't change the past and i also learnt from it.

Suggesting that what someone else does may be less than optimal doesn't necessarily equate to judging them as bad parents (or whatever). That presumes that the speaker believes they are perfect and know exactly what to do in all situations - noone does.

I don't judge other parents, any more than I judge myself as perfect. I think we can all learn from each other if we are open and try to understand each other, rather than rushing to the defensive and refusing to hear anything.

So, with that preface - I challenge proponents of smacking to explain to me the logic of teaching your child not to hit others by smacking them. I'm not saying you're wrong - maybe you're on to something - I just don't understand it.

I am not keen on the idea of smacking and have never used it as a means of discipline even though my brothers and I were all smacked as children (with a wooden spoon or at worst with "six of the best" threatened in our house and only executed on a couple of occasions). Mind you, our house was full of love and respect in many other ways, but when the smack was threatened, in hindsight, it was when things were out of control, 4 kids acting up, tolerances frayed, end of the day… I figure my mum or dad or both were tired, frustrated and had run out of options so fell back on what they were brought up with.

I never felt upset at my parents but I sure did feel scared when that warning came and felt pretty sorry at the time. Interestingly, the idea of a smack never made me stop to think "I shouldn't do that, I might get smacked" I was more likely to just do what I thought I could get away with before I got caught. As far as damaging me :dunno: I don't respect my parents for doing it though.

As other posters have said, I didn't think anything of it before I had kids and even thought it was fine. The whole, "I was smacked, didn't hurt me" deal. When I did fall pregnant and actually had to think about how I wanted to parent, I pretty quickly changed my mind. When I made the decision not to smack, I made the decision based on looking into different child rearing philosophies. I read a bit, discussed it with friends etc and made a decision based on logic - to me - that smacking was not a good way to teach a child something. That plus, I just could not imagine doing it! I could not raise a hand to my child nor could I feel ok to give a light tap. To me, it is still physically driving home a point and it is not something I feel comfortable doing with anyone let alone my own child!

My DH was also smacked as a child and he has absolutely agreed with me once I explained my reasons. If we didn't agree, I am not sure what I would have done. I can't imagine not agreeing as the idea of smacking is just so against my ideas of what it is to 'respect' another person. Imagine if he smacked me if I did something against his wishes! Or if I gave him a light tap to draw his attention to something he was doing that was dangerous. I really do believe that words are more convincing if I want my real message to get home, not a message of do this to avoid a physical retaliation.

And for me, that is what it comes down to. What is my message to my child. It is still a work in progress of course, I will never be done questioning my parenting, questioning my motivations and my decisions around how I care for them, discipline them and teach them. I feel very strongly about always asking questions of myself as a parent so I don't fall into traps of simple solutions and then regret later that I wish I had done better.

It is thread like these that keep me thinking, and that, is a good thing!

Oh, and Mayaness,

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Never ok. Here's my biggest reference for anti-punishment, anti-smacking:
Punitive Damages

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Most awesome link. My favourite reference too, I revisit it very often as sometimes I do feel confounded about how to go about this parenting caper without resorting to the types of behaviours that are so prevalent in our society (rewarding and punishing)

I have smacked DD1 a few times and it is, to me, the grossest and weakest (not to mention) meanest moments in my life. I feel ill thinking about how betrayed and frightened she was.

TBH, i found that all it did in our situation was create disconnect through the whole house, and in turn, created more anger and tension with her.

I think that the key is like with any parenting decision...you gotta work out a way that works for your family. some kids love and need a calm, long chat where all the bases of behaviour are discussed. some kids like to cut to the chase and have simple defined boundaries laid out that they can interpret within. and of course, all kids can and will be a mix of all those things.

IMHO, you can deal with any child without hitting. I am not an ideal proponent for not smacking as i have in the past, but, with great strength and (ALOT) of deep breaths we are learning new, (and in our case) far more effective ways. the changes i have noticed are great. i find i have more time for the girls generally (because very very little time is spent in anger over tantrums, sibling spats etc). we have a 'count to 3' rule with DD1 if she is being a real snot, or the situation is verging on dangerous. if it is simple tantrums in supermarket stuff (oh the joys) then me getting down to her eye level and talking it out works for the most part. and if it doesnt i tend to just take a deep breath and continue shopping :lol: OR, if it is obvious that the tantrum is mega and she is melting down, we simply remove ourselves from the situation. my rule now is that whenever there has been a meltdown where she has had to be removed and taken to her room (for example) we then have a glass of water or cold washer to wipe the brow (oh how very 19th century Austen lol) and we have a calm chat about the tantrum and what was going on.

it is not perfect and we are not perfect, but it works for us...so happy to be free of smacking...as are our kids.

I posted a link to an article which violates bellybelly's forum guidelines (whoops !) But basically it was a scientific perspective on the impact on the developing brain of a child in relation to smacking. It explained how detrimental regularly smacking a child is on the childs brain. Pity I can't post or quote the link because it is a really interesting article with real research based results showing the real impacts of smacking.

You should be able to copy the article and name the credit without a link.

I don't think I would smack my DD or any future children. Not beucase of anyone elses opinion just because I was raised with corporal punishment, and it wasnt just a smack on the bum. I was hit with things, belts, bamboo sticks, wooden spoons, and it was more that my mother lost control and was very angry when she did it. Alot of the time I didnt know why I was being hit, sometimes she would just come out from inside and hit me. Never explained to me why so I was always left bewildered by the experience. My DH thinks that a tap on the hand or bum would be ok, but I've already said are you sure you could even do it? He was hit with a belt as a kid, its a recurring theme for people who are 30 years old and older I think. He is still thinking on that one.

Sure I was an extremely challanging child and she was a single parent so don't hold anything against her. 30 years ago was tough times for single women. Banks still didnt lend money to single women! but I still remember the fear I had of my mother, how I never told her anything that was happening in my life as I got older, and how I neally died to alcoholic poisioining rather than telling her I was having troubles. (more yelling ensued trust me) I also remember flinching every time she raised her hand and discussing it with her years later it was only then she started to think perhaps it wasnt a good idea, but prior to that she was just doing as she had been taught/raised with. ( I also go in trouble for flinching which was stupid, but I think that is becuase it was a reminder constantly of the doubt she had perhaps done the wrong thing.) I never doubted that she loved me, but it drove me away from her fairly fast as a young adult. We have a good relationship now, but it hasent always been that way.

I dont think older generations were more ignorant, I just think that like all parents they did what they thought was best. The reason I'm not going to smack is I dont want this relationship with my children. I want them to never be fearful of me and to be able to come to me for help no matter what is going on in their lives. I still want them to enjoy coming over for dinner each week when they are 30 something. I want them to always feel safe here. I know it won't be easy but that is my goal. I also dont trust that I wouldnt just turn into my mother and fall into the same patterns.

I acknowledge the difference however bettween a smack on the hand or bum and corporal punishment. They are different and are not the same. Corporal punishment dosent teach anything other than, an adult inflicts acutal wounds on a child in the guise of punishment. Smacks on bums and hands dont do any such thing. I respect everyones right to raise their children how they see fit, however I think the world is a better place for reducing its reliance on fear/corporal punishment as a tool to control children and young adults.

Ok I really like to not comment on these sort of threads but here I go...

I used to be a smacker, a threatener, a intimidator. This has recently changed since having DD2. I used to smack if I felt it was warranted (after telling them several times, time out etc didn't work)and I used to threaten giving them a smack etc. At the end of my pregnancy with DD2 I decided things really were not working in my household. I was constantly saying "would you like a smack"etc and it was getting to me. I thought to myself, is smacking really working? Yes it would stop them in their tracks and they would suddenly listen but it was having a bad effect on my DD, her attitude became worse and she started to fear me. She would scream out "don't smack me" and start crying when she she had done something wrong or wasn't doing as she was told. This broke my heart. It had gone way to far. I def never flogged into them but that smack or so was becoming daily and it was def not a positive thing.

I was smacked as a child, sometimes even flogged and abused And I def didn't want my kids to get to my age and remember how terrifying their childhood was.

I will never smack, threaten or raise my voice at my children ever again. Did it help me as a child? I would say no because I grew up thinking a smacked child is ok and it really isn't. There are other options and ones that won't be damaging to your child emotionally and physically.

Having said that I wouldn't judge another for the way they parent... I have just realized smacking etc isn't what's right in this house.

I grew up with a mum who smacked the 'right' way. She smacked because she was taught that was the true biblical way to parent a child, and as a single parent, she really had limited tools at her disposal.


However, I see how much that negatively impacted on our relationship and how I grew up in the long run; so my DH and I made a pact from the very beginning of our parenting caper to keep physical punishment out of our parenting toolbox.

It is a REALLY hard task and it's made even harder when you also have to deal with it being presented a lot of the time as the 'right' way to discipline kids if you're a Christian; so we're constantly learning and getting more information on other ways to discipline. Reading books like Grace Based Parenting and Parenting where Grace is in place; and websites like Dare to Disciple and Get Off Your Butt Parenting and Arms of Love have really helped me in getting other ideas together about disciplining my son.

Not that it's only a Christian issue, but I believe the scriptures used to justify it when I was growing up were taken in a way that it has never been meant. I've done a lot of reading about it, because of having that teaching - and I'm sad that so many Christians are being taught that if you want to parent in a way that God would approve of, you have to smack. It's gross misapplication of scripture.

Absolutely, Muraho, and I highly recommend Robin Grille's Parenting for a Peaceful World for you. It's not a Christian text, and it refers to the misapplication a lot, as well as referring to spirituality (he doesn't declare himself in any way), so it's really quite accessible and applicable to all faiths and denominations. I've lent it to my mum for that reason, though I'm not sure she's going to read it - it might bring stuff up that she hasn't dealt with from her own past :(

I haven't read all the replies but my PERSONAL opinion is that yes we will smack DD an any other children we may have.

When she is being naughty or doing something she knows is wrong, we tell her no. Then if she does it again, we say No an move her away. If she goes back and does it again we will say No and smack her (lightly tap) her hand. I don't go for the smack right away, I give her a few chances to do what she is being told and if she continues to not listen she does get a very light smack.

As a child I was smacked when I did something wrong. I wasn't hit or absued, I was disciplined. And I learned very fast what is appropriate and what isn't. My dad was a pastor of a church so I grew up in a christian family. I was raised with christian values and views and still don't think smacking is wrong. However I do believe that some parents abuse their authority and take it a step to far or smack unneccessarily.

It is a completely personal choice, it doesn't work for some children like my nephews who if they get smacked they will hit back or become violent, but if my sister talks to them and explains what they did wrong and that it hurt mummy that they disobeyed her they don't do it again. That works for them! As does different things for all different families.

I think it is very important not to judge parents on their choices of discipline, however all children do need to be taught discipline however you do it. My only problem is when parents don't teach their children discipline and self control and thats where you get out of control children and teenagers. We are the adults and it is our responsibility to raise our children not the other way round.

Sorry for the essay :)


Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

MrsBexie, can I just ask, and I don't mean this in a loaded way at all, I really want to know...what will you do when your children start tapping you back, or tapping other kids or people? Will you still use the three step thing, with #3 being a tap, or what? How will you explain that you can tap but they can't.

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My only problem is when parents don't teach their children discipline and self control and thats where you get out of control children and teenagers. We are the adults and it is our responsibility to raise our children not the other way round.

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Sorry, I am not being argumentative but I disagree with that statement. As a parent of kids that are now heading into adulthood I can tell you that 'out of control' teenagers have little to do with how you parent. Yes, you can give them the building blocks of self control and discipline but once they hit their teens, your influence on them drops to insignificance, and their friends and peer group that leads them. You can raise 4 kids the same way, and based on their personalities, they can become completely different teenagers (and they do!). And each will have to find their own way. Some of the boundaries they push will seem like they're 'out of control' but that is all part of the learning process, and I don't judge a parent for their teenagers' actions. They're completely separate people by that age.

I also don't personally believe that smacking teaches your children discipline or self control. Self esteem teaches them that - they have to believe in THEIR decisions, and this is what helps them make the best decisions for themselves, and not others. That's what a lot of parents take away from their children - their autonomy to make the best diecisons for themselves. Hell, I am still guilty of it a lot of the time. I wish I'd known this when my children were younger too, but it's never too late to teach them that now. I try to parent my children via example now as opposed to discipline, not just my grown up kids, but my 5yo as well. And not smacking them is an example of how I expect them to behave with others - you don't hit to resolve anything.

Well, I'm going to jump in.

I do smack. I don't feel the urge very often, but I do it.

When I find out that my almost 10 year old has just pushed or kicked her sister, again when I've told her day in, day out for 5 years its not on, its hard not to walk in & do the same to her. And I admit I have on occasion. Because i was at my wits end & didn't know what the hell else to do.

& when DS throws a tantrum at 10 pm & starts screaming because he can't have a chocolate biscuit, I have smacked, because the talking isn't being heard & I have 3 other children sleeping.

I have gone over board with my words sometimes & I have smacked that little bit hard when I've left a red mark on DS's bottom, but I acknowledge that. & I try not to do it again.

I will blame my life & my circumstances. I don't get me time. I don't get adult time. I don't get a break. I get abuse from the x, then the kids push me & I usually do just lose it.

I admit it, when I'm not coping, the kids do have it harder. I feel horrible, & I'm hoping x backs the heck off & I can finally be rid of that part of my life.

I know DD1 is being a stand over & pushes DD2 around because thats how her father was. I don't know how to change that now that she's as old as she is.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. Its the ones that don't admit it are the ones you need to worry about. The ones that never try to change their actions & keep making the same mistakes.

I am doing what I can to improve my situation for all of us, & there is alot of aggression being slowly left behind. Finally. I never, ever thought I could have my older girls sharing a room again, but they are. & they are doing it alright!

Anyone can change. Anyone can improve their situation. Anything can happen :)

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It wasn't a stupid question and I wasn't having a stab at all. That's a big question a lot of people have in regards to smacking, and MrsBexie explained her stance really evenly and without aggression or emotion, so I felt safe in asking a question that has always piqued my curiosity. I really want to know from people who smack, how they will explain to their kids that they cannot smack. Possibly the same way as you explain to a child that they can't have alcohol because it's an adult drink? I don't know, but I was just asking a genuine question.

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You can raise 4 kids the same way, and based on their personalities, they can become completely different teenagers (and they do!). And each will have to find their own way. Some of the boundaries they push will seem like they're 'out of control' but that is all part of the learning process, and I don't judge a parent for their teenagers' actions. They're completely separate people by that age.

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You know, I love this so much. Because it's not about exerting control on how they turn out and what they do or don't do later on. It's about the relationship they have with you when they reach that stage. If you're a smacker, you're less likely to have their trust and confidence. You're more likely to find out about indiscretions well after the fact, instead of before, during or immediately afterwards. It's about letting your kids know early that you will help them through their difficulties, instead of assuring them that they will be punished above and beyond the 'punishment' that natural consequence brings.
I've got a 5yo who will mostly tell me when something has gone wrong, immediately, knowing I'm not going to ream him, shame him or set aside an artificial consequence for him once he's already learnt the lesson.
I did love your post, Sushee, for underscoring what the point of parenting our children is; it's a relationship, not a regime :)

It is all about the relationship you have with your children, my boys were smacked when younger and for 16 and 13 yr olds I can say that we do have trust and confidence.

Regards,
Dianne

I don't think smacking stops you having a relationship with your children. You still have one, and often good, productive ones. But I do believe you have a different one from someone who has never smacked. My older kids were smacked by their dad and not by me. There is a very obvious difference in the way they connect with each of us.

My 3 older kids are 22, 20 and 18, so basically adults now. I have a different relationship with them now then I did when they were still living with me as teenagers too. So relationships with your kids continue to evolve, much more so once they're adults too, when they can choose to be a part of your life or not. I know they hold me accountable for the way I parented them, and as adults I am no longer an authority over them, so the memories of their childhood play a big part in how much investment they place on their on-going relationship with me (and their dad). I am glad that fear of corporal punishment doesn't feature in their memories of me, as it does for their dad.

I would also like to say again that it's not my concern or business as to how each person contributing to this thread raises their kids. But like I said earlier, as a parent of adult children now, I feel that I should share my perspective on having raised children through infancy, toddlerhood, teenagehood and now adulthood. It's an ever changing game, and while it's hard to see your kids as adults now, they will be one day, and I wish someone had explained how it would be like to me back then.

I am conscious, lately, that how I have parented and am parenting now is teaching my kids how to be parents, as well as functioning adults when they get to that stage. So that's helping form my behaviours and reactions with them and it's very enlightenting.
My DS is asking lots of questions now about what my mum did with my sister and I. It's not a glowing report. The shock of being smacked by a loving parent is just not part of his world, and for that I am truly grateful.

I of all people know that out of control teenagers can come from good homes (lol ME!!). And that had to do with everything else but being smacked as a kid! I just more meant children who think they can get everything they want and do what they want because their parents let them get away with whatever they want!

In regards to my children hitting other children, I don't ever remember hitting other kids, and mum says I never did (I asked her today lol...). I think I knew the difference between being disciplined and me hitting another child. We will discipline our children with love that's for sure, and yes she may be smacked occasionally, however we will teach her that sometimes when she does something wrong continuosly that she may get smacked however that is only something that mummy or daddy can do. No one else is allowed to smack her and she is not allowed to smack anyone else because that is up to the other childs mummy or daddy to do. I am pretty sure that's what our parents said to us.

I don't want people thinking that because we choose to smack that we won't be loving or have a good relationship with our children. The idea of smacking is very personal an unfortunately has been warped by abuse and parents taking it too far. I fully believe you can teach your children love and self respect and how to make good decisions, how to respect other people and kids without them hitting, and still smack occasionally.
I have seen PLENTY of kids who hit other kids when they themselves are never smacked, so I believe the hitting doesn't always come from that, but wht you teach your children and how you teach them to respect and love others.

Does that make sense or just more confusing?? Lol! Thats what we are wanting though an if we find that it's not working we will change how we parent to make sure we raise gorgeous, loving, generous and kind children. It may change it may not, really depends on each individual relationship we have with our babies. :)




Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

And PZ I didn't find your question agressive or anythin! I just read it as genuine curiosity! :)


Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

I think most parents smack because it's part of their parenting tool kit. They believe it serves as a good deterrent for bad behaviour, and is not at all an indicator of how much that parent loves their child in most cases. I think though that if you have to teach your children that you love and respect them in spite of the fact that you smack them, then it may be a confusing lesson for a child to learn. And while some parents who have been smacked think nothing of it (like my sister, who now smacks her children herself), others do feel the detriment of it, as evidenced by some of the posters in this thread, including me.

How many people would smack their teenager? Or an adult child? And at that age, they can be far more challenging than a toddler, and far more unreasonable, yet we draw on different methods to communicate with them. Why can't we do that with a toddler? I have never had to smack my 5yo, and neither has his dad (different father from my older kids) and my son has learnt what he can and cannot do, what is acceptable and what's not, as quickly as my older kids did with their dad smacking them. And he has some very interesting and challenging behavioural traits too, so he's by no means a perfect child! To me, it proves to me that smacking is not a necessary part of parenting, but a choice on the part of the parent/s. I believe it's their choice to make, for sure, but why do it when you don't have to? When you are able to teach a child life's lesson without smacking them?

Again, I am not passing judgement on how people raise their children. I am just enjoying the intellectual discussion and am simply curious as to the rationale for smacking. Because while I understand it being a personal choice, I don't understand why it is done.

We don't have to teach our baby that we love her, she knows that already.
An exMple, last night DD walked over to the dogs water bowl and started playing in it. Dh said no to her, she kept playing. He moved her away and said no. She walked back to it. He moved her again and said No even more sternly. She walked right back to the bowl an put her hands in again. Dh bent down pulled her away and gave her a tap on her hand as he said no. She got all upset with crocodile tears but was fine. She then went to walk back to the bowl but then stopped and looked up at DH, then turned around and walked away from the bowl. She didnt go back to it again.
In that case, saying no or moving her away didn't work but the tap on the hand did. She learnt that daddy was serious when he said no and she kept doing it. But she knows he still loves her, because even though she was disciplined, daddy still is very loving and kisses her, hugs her, holds her and she adores him!




Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

Thanks so much MrsBexie. I do not agree with smacking, BUT the logic you gave for explaining it to children (only something mummy and daddy can do) is used endlessly in a million other everyday scenarios (alcohol, smoking, food, movies, bedtimes etc) and nobody raises an eyebrow, so I can see how it could easily be applied. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.

Thanks for your reply, MrsBexie. I can barely remember any of my children being a year old lol! I don't doubt that your daughter knows you love her but I guess I was speaking of the impact of smacking from a much longer term POV. My older kids' father loves his kids madly, and I don't think they doubt that either. It's more about the impact it's had on their relationship with him over the last 20 years. Like I said, in some kids there is no impact, and yet in others, a huge impact.

It's hard sometimes being on BB when my kids are much older, where most people have very young children still. It feels like we're talking apples and oranges when talking parenting styles because obviously most of my kids are in a complete different stage of life than the kids of most of the members here on BB, IYKWIM. But it's good to talk about it none the less. As one of the members on BB with the oldest kids here, I like to think I provide a different perspective on how parenting choices can have a lifelong impact on your relationship with your child.