To smack or not to smack

[*LittleMissSummer*]

deleted

[PumpkinZulu]

It wasn't a stupid question and I wasn't having a stab at all. That's a big question a lot of people have in regards to smacking, and MrsBexie explained her stance really evenly and without aggression or emotion, so I felt safe in asking a question that has always piqued my curiosity. I really want to know from people who smack, how they will explain to their kids that they cannot smack. Possibly the same way as you explain to a child that they can't have alcohol because it's an adult drink? I don't know, but I was just asking a genuine question.

[Smoke Jaguar]

You can raise 4 kids the same way, and based on their personalities, they can become completely different teenagers (and they do!). And each will have to find their own way. Some of the boundaries they push will seem like they're 'out of control' but that is all part of the learning process, and I don't judge a parent for their teenagers' actions. They're completely separate people by that age.

You know, I love this so much. Because it's not about exerting control on how they turn out and what they do or don't do later on. It's about the relationship they have with you when they reach that stage. If you're a smacker, you're less likely to have their trust and confidence. You're more likely to find out about indiscretions well after the fact, instead of before, during or immediately afterwards. It's about letting your kids know early that you will help them through their difficulties, instead of assuring them that they will be punished above and beyond the 'punishment' that natural consequence brings.
I've got a 5yo who will mostly tell me when something has gone wrong, immediately, knowing I'm not going to ream him, shame him or set aside an artificial consequence for him once he's already learnt the lesson.
I did love your post, Sushee, for underscoring what the point of parenting our children is; it's a relationship, not a regime

[diannescruffy]

It is all about the relationship you have with your children, my boys were smacked when younger and for 16 and 13 yr olds I can say that we do have trust and confidence.

Regards,
Dianne

[sushee]

I don't think smacking stops you having a relationship with your children. You still have one, and often good, productive ones. But I do believe you have a different one from someone who has never smacked. My older kids were smacked by their dad and not by me. There is a very obvious difference in the way they connect with each of us.

My 3 older kids are 22, 20 and 18, so basically adults now. I have a different relationship with them now then I did when they were still living with me as teenagers too. So relationships with your kids continue to evolve, much more so once they're adults too, when they can choose to be a part of your life or not. I know they hold me accountable for the way I parented them, and as adults I am no longer an authority over them, so the memories of their childhood play a big part in how much investment they place on their on-going relationship with me (and their dad). I am glad that fear of corporal punishment doesn't feature in their memories of me, as it does for their dad.

I would also like to say again that it's not my concern or business as to how each person contributing to this thread raises their kids. But like I said earlier, as a parent of adult children now, I feel that I should share my perspective on having raised children through infancy, toddlerhood, teenagehood and now adulthood. It's an ever changing game, and while it's hard to see your kids as adults now, they will be one day, and I wish someone had explained how it would be like to me back then.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I am conscious, lately, that how I have parented and am parenting now is teaching my kids how to be parents, as well as functioning adults when they get to that stage. So that's helping form my behaviours and reactions with them and it's very enlightenting.
My DS is asking lots of questions now about what my mum did with my sister and I. It's not a glowing report. The shock of being smacked by a loving parent is just not part of his world, and for that I am truly grateful.

[MrsBexie]

I of all people know that out of control teenagers can come from good homes (lol ME!!). And that had to do with everything else but being smacked as a kid! I just more meant children who think they can get everything they want and do what they want because their parents let them get away with whatever they want!

In regards to my children hitting other children, I don't ever remember hitting other kids, and mum says I never did (I asked her today lol...). I think I knew the difference between being disciplined and me hitting another child. We will discipline our children with love that's for sure, and yes she may be smacked occasionally, however we will teach her that sometimes when she does something wrong continuosly that she may get smacked however that is only something that mummy or daddy can do. No one else is allowed to smack her and she is not allowed to smack anyone else because that is up to the other childs mummy or daddy to do. I am pretty sure that's what our parents said to us.

I don't want people thinking that because we choose to smack that we won't be loving or have a good relationship with our children. The idea of smacking is very personal an unfortunately has been warped by abuse and parents taking it too far. I fully believe you can teach your children love and self respect and how to make good decisions, how to respect other people and kids without them hitting, and still smack occasionally.
I have seen PLENTY of kids who hit other kids when they themselves are never smacked, so I believe the hitting doesn't always come from that, but wht you teach your children and how you teach them to respect and love others.

Does that make sense or just more confusing?? Lol! Thats what we are wanting though an if we find that it's not working we will change how we parent to make sure we raise gorgeous, loving, generous and kind children. It may change it may not, really depends on each individual relationship we have with our babies.




Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

[MrsBexie]

And PZ I didn't find your question agressive or anythin! I just read it as genuine curiosity!


Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

[sushee]

I think most parents smack because it's part of their parenting tool kit. They believe it serves as a good deterrent for bad behaviour, and is not at all an indicator of how much that parent loves their child in most cases. I think though that if you have to teach your children that you love and respect them in spite of the fact that you smack them, then it may be a confusing lesson for a child to learn. And while some parents who have been smacked think nothing of it (like my sister, who now smacks her children herself), others do feel the detriment of it, as evidenced by some of the posters in this thread, including me.

How many people would smack their teenager? Or an adult child? And at that age, they can be far more challenging than a toddler, and far more unreasonable, yet we draw on different methods to communicate with them. Why can't we do that with a toddler? I have never had to smack my 5yo, and neither has his dad (different father from my older kids) and my son has learnt what he can and cannot do, what is acceptable and what's not, as quickly as my older kids did with their dad smacking them. And he has some very interesting and challenging behavioural traits too, so he's by no means a perfect child! To me, it proves to me that smacking is not a necessary part of parenting, but a choice on the part of the parent/s. I believe it's their choice to make, for sure, but why do it when you don't have to? When you are able to teach a child life's lesson without smacking them?

Again, I am not passing judgement on how people raise their children. I am just enjoying the intellectual discussion and am simply curious as to the rationale for smacking. Because while I understand it being a personal choice, I don't understand why it is done.

[MrsBexie]

We don't have to teach our baby that we love her, she knows that already.
An exMple, last night DD walked over to the dogs water bowl and started playing in it. Dh said no to her, she kept playing. He moved her away and said no. She walked back to it. He moved her again and said No even more sternly. She walked right back to the bowl an put her hands in again. Dh bent down pulled her away and gave her a tap on her hand as he said no. She got all upset with crocodile tears but was fine. She then went to walk back to the bowl but then stopped and looked up at DH, then turned around and walked away from the bowl. She didnt go back to it again.
In that case, saying no or moving her away didn't work but the tap on the hand did. She learnt that daddy was serious when he said no and she kept doing it. But she knows he still loves her, because even though she was disciplined, daddy still is very loving and kisses her, hugs her, holds her and she adores him!




Sent from my iPhone so sorry for the spelling and punctuation!!

[PumpkinZulu]

Thanks so much MrsBexie. I do not agree with smacking, BUT the logic you gave for explaining it to children (only something mummy and daddy can do) is used endlessly in a million other everyday scenarios (alcohol, smoking, food, movies, bedtimes etc) and nobody raises an eyebrow, so I can see how it could easily be applied. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.

[sushee]

Thanks for your reply, MrsBexie. I can barely remember any of my children being a year old lol! I don't doubt that your daughter knows you love her but I guess I was speaking of the impact of smacking from a much longer term POV. My older kids' father loves his kids madly, and I don't think they doubt that either. It's more about the impact it's had on their relationship with him over the last 20 years. Like I said, in some kids there is no impact, and yet in others, a huge impact.

It's hard sometimes being on BB when my kids are much older, where most people have very young children still. It feels like we're talking apples and oranges when talking parenting styles because obviously most of my kids are in a complete different stage of life than the kids of most of the members here on BB, IYKWIM. But it's good to talk about it none the less. As one of the members on BB with the oldest kids here, I like to think I provide a different perspective on how parenting choices can have a lifelong impact on your relationship with your child.

[MrsBexie]

Sushee you are certainly right! It is so good to have the older children perspective because I have a 13.5mth old!

I love that this is an adult conversation and it hasn't turned into a massive fight about who's right or wrong! Its been very helpful and will be very helpful as DD gets older an we learn about how we want to parent! Thank you girls for your insight!! <3