Teaching Abstinence to our children, what are your views?

[PumpkinZulu]

*Friendly debate/discussion topic...remember, an opinion is not a judgement, we can have differing views without cracking the sads *


Sparked from a few comments I've seen on Facebook today.

What do you think about teaching your children abstinence as a form of contraceptive/preventitive against STD's? Do you believe it's an effective form of sexual education? What are your views based on? Religion, personal experience? Is there maybe a middle ground? Or is it all just sheltering children from the realities of life, and a big fat recipe for disaster?

[helle]

I'd probably try to encourage abstinence until you find someone you 100% trust... but then follow up my speech with "But if you can't, heres a condom..."
My parents preached safe sex, only with someone you love, wait as long as you can etc etc... I've only ever had sex with DH so something musta sunk in.

[Tinks]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

[blessedatlast]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

I 100% agree with that. I think abstinence is an unrealistic expectation. It never worked in days gone by it definitely wouldn't now, sex is so socially acceptable and is not as taboo as it once was..

[Raupe]

Mmhh... Interesting topic!

My mum never taught us abstinence, she was always very open and explained everything we need to know about sex and STD's. (Mind you, I got informed about it all by my cousin and didn't really wanna talk to mum about it. )
I only ever had sex with DF. I think because mum was open about it and never 'forbid' us to do it, we kinda weren't that fast to try it out. I think it has something to do with the "forbidden fruit" theory... When you forbid something, THAT is the thing they wanna do! It kinda makes it more interesting. Does that make sense?

[Nai]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

My thoughts precicely - DP on the other hand may disagree as he is sure his girls will not be dating until they are 30 - seriously though he also agrees that if they have a healthy self-esteem and the right support they will end up having sex for the right reasons and in a safe way.

ETA - I would be a hypocrite if I taught them anything else as I was 15 and had sex with my boyfriend who I did love (in a 15yo intense way) and I have no regrets.

[~TT40~]

Im a big fan of 'harm minimisation' (i think its cause of the nurse in me), basically it means, you can tell people black and blue not to due something, it might work on some, but wont work on everyone (nothing does) so for those it doesn't make sure if they are going to do it, they do it in a safe way. this isn't just in terms of sex, also things like needle exchanges so people who do use them use clean needles and dont share etc, to limit infection.
in terms of sex, a safe way is with 2 consenting adults, ill hopefully make sure my children dont rush, they do it with someone they trust and respect, dont have to love them, but if both parties are of sound mind and consent. and both take resposibility for any consequences of their actions (same with anything), and that means protection as consequences include pg, sti's etc..

simply, i wont be pushing it and encouraging it, but will help them do it in a safe way if they do, and if that means supplying them with condoms fine.

even simpler.. no i dont think teaching absinence works

[Catastrophic]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

This - I will aim to be open and honest and allow my kids to be them selves around me - and hopefully the open and honest relationship I have with my kids will mean that they will be able to tell me if they are thinking about it...

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Professor and I will be teaching abstinence for religious reasons. Having said that though, it won't just be 'don't even think about sex til you're married', which is kinda how we were both raised. It will be frequent honest and open discussions, age appropriate of course, about sex and hormones and desires and masturbation and respect for yourself and the people around you. Yes, the ultimate goal is to abstain until marriage, but not by closing their eyes to sex.

I hope that makes sense

[feeb]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

Exactly the more you say don't do it they will want too, its more education about self respect and respect of others. My parents were open with us I did not DTD till I was about 20 with a guy I did love, I do not regret it at all.

[Fleur]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

Can't say it any better than you have, Tinks. It's what we have / are doing with our (older) kids & we're happy with how things are going so far.

Just to add - I think expecting abstinance is unreasonable, I don't think offering it as an option is though. They need to know, just because everyone else is, doesn't mean they have to, too.

[RainbowBrite]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

I agree with you also Tinks.
I have been open and honest and I can say that it has worked very well

[krysalyss]

I will be encouraging abstinence. I believe our culture is so sexualised that children need to be taught that they have the right to say no. They also need to be aware of the real consequences of becoming sexually active, and how those consequences can be prevented if they take that step. My son will make his own choices, but I am more than happy to encourage him to wait until he really feels ready before he takes that leap.

[Nai]

Seeing that I don't see marriage as something that I would necessarily want my kids to aspire to unless they want it (I do want them to have a long term loving partner of whatever gender they prefer but don't think marriage is the be all and end all) so I can't really talk about sex before marriage. I have no religious or cultural basis to make any expectations of them and I think that it is my responsibility to teach them to think for themselves and have the self-belief that they will do what is right for them and do it for the right reasons.

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

[*Sparklez*]

I 100% agree with that. I think abstinence is an unrealistic expectation. It never worked in days gone by it definitely wouldn't now, sex is so socially acceptable and is not as taboo as it once was..

I agree 100% also and with tinks our children are subjected to sexual visualization at such a young age that drilling abstinence is going to be a hard slap in the face.. But I do wish it wasn't a topic I would find hard to deal with when it comes to my children. Point being sex sells these days and unless I can retreat into the Village and shut out the outside world I don't think my words would sink in and be kept close to their heart, I could see it easily becoming the "what mum doesn't know won't hurt her" situation and that is something I couldn't live with Itms?
That's my babble anyway lol

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[Bengal]

I need to re write as I lost my whole post

[briggsy's girl]

i tend to agree with Tinks (and Teirae - harm minimisation is key)

[Phteven]

I will be encouraging abstinence because it is the best protection against babies and other STDs but I will also back that up with 'the talk' about safe sex, birth control and no means no.