P.E.T. Article: Who Owns the Problem? (You or your child?)

[BellyBelly]

Who Owns the Problem?

PROBLEM OWNERSHIP

In your relationship with your child, you will have one of two attitudes towards everything you hear her say or see her do -- acceptance or unacceptance.

When you feel unaccepting of the behavior (placing it below your line), YOU OWN THE PROBLEM. To solve it, you will want to take appropriate action to change that behavior somehow so that it becomes acceptable to you. P.E.T. teaches some powerful tools to do that effectively without damaging the relationship.

On the other hand, some of your child's behaviors which are acceptable to you -- and thus do not cause you a problem -- are indications that the child has a problem.

Examples: You hear the child crying or saying, "I don't have any friends." These behaviors are placed above the line in the window, but in a special area at the top; they are not causing you a problem, but indicate that something in the child's life is unacceptable to him. NOW THE CHILD OWNS THE PROBLEM.

P.E.T. teaches an entirely different set of skills for helping the child take the responsibility for solving her own problems.

And, finally all the behaviors that are acceptable to you and are not cues or clues that the child has a problem are placed between the "problem" areas in a space labeled "NO PROBLEM AREA." P.E.T. also teaches skills and concepts for enhancing your relationship with your child in this area.

The purpose of P.E.T. is to enable parents to enlarge the NO PROBLEM AREA in their relationships with each of their children through the use of skills -- to help the child take charge of the problems in her life and to enable the parent to solve her problem when her child's behavior is unacceptable.

Like what you are reading? By learning PET, you can make positive changes and have a more peaceful household - where your children come to you when they have a problem. The PET book is available from the BellyBelly online store HERE.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Are you being paid to put this PET stuff up, Kelly?

"You have no friends? Your problem, darl" just doesn't seem that great a response to me.

[paradise lost]

Yeah but "got no friends? Never mind, mummy will be your friend/make friends FOR you" isn't much of a winner either

Bx

[BellyBelly]

Nope I don't get paid. But this stuff helped me with so many things I was stuck with and was so much help, I want to share it with others. Here in Australia we don't have many parenting programs at all, parents are struggling and have no support. So finding a good source of parenting education is great.

With regards to your comment, you can't fix your children's problems for them. It's one of the hardest things to grasp because when your child is sad/unhappy you want to help them/fix their problems. This is also ingrained in our womanly ways - as it explains in Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, women want to comfort and help solve problems all the time (whereas men like to solve their own problems hence the probs). Our kids can become better equipt as adults if we support them and assist them in solving their own problems - by brainstorming solutions or listening and let them explore their possible ideas. Its very clever. The kids are happier as are the parents. Thinking wrapping my first born in cotton wool (cos I had a fear that she wouldnt love me and we'd have the same strained relationship as I have with my mother) would make her feel loved and protected and she wouldn't hate me. But this didn't serve me at all. I do have Cailin to thank for the earlier thoughts and ideas that I didn't need to be everything for my daughter, and now I fully subscribe to this way of doing things, because its giving our kids great life skills. This does not mean I am not loving and caring towards them - anyone who knows my kids has seen how loving and affectionate they are. So it's not effecting them one bit, the opposite...

The way they teach you in PET you would say something like:

"So you feel sad that you have no friends?"

Then they would respond and you keep active listening. This is the kind of support and listening women also appreciate from their men, rather than them be mr. fix it. We hate men fixing our problems because we just want to be heard. Talking helps us solve our problems as we think as we talk.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I can sort of see the point. But I would say that if my child was the child who couldn't play nice then that IS partly my problem: I never got down to teaching any social skills. I can't make friends for a child (and wouldn't want to - you're right, it's not healthy) but I can teach the skills to make friends.

Actually, I can't. Not that well. I don't really have those skills myself. But I do know some of the theories. DS is better at it than I am anyway. Also, you can listen and draw out answers alongside giving hints and advice.

I don't know if I would ask if my child was sad because of this... maybe how he felt about it. Because I never was sad about not having friends until it was hinted to me that I should be.

I suppose I get DS to articulate his emotions a lot without prompting him about what he feels (now he knows the words for his feelings) so it's a different style to me, so I can't relate so well. He can talk about what makes him happy or sad, what he likes, we have these conversations every evening now wrt his day. I love hearing him explain "why" too - I love a child's reasoning! But then I suppose that's PET too?

[BellyBelly]

Well he may not be feeling sad but he will be expressing some emotion. Then you validate that emotion:

"So you feel angry because xxxx"
"So you feel embarassed because xxxx"

He may say I am not sad/angry etc but you just keep trying to work it out so they feel that you get them.

Youre not telling them how to feel. You're reassuring them you understand; you hear them; and you accept them and their emotions. It's a very freeing thing for the child and sets them up to know and feel that they can come to you for any problems they may have, and you will be a good listener and help them feel good.

Its like the example how many times have you vented to someone, let it all out and went on and on about something, the other person barely said a thing but you felt so much better after? Once you release the pressure or stress you are free to more effectively deal with the problem in a place of calm than stress - we all know that means better decisions.