Self settling - What's the big deal?

[onthefly]

Ah yes, that's the sort of thing I was getting at JL. So building independence? (Now I could argue that forcing separation would have the opposite effect, but anyway )

Kaz, I'd noted the same time before too re feeding versus settling. Babies can't feed themselves, but they have to sleep by themselves

I'm just interested from a historical cultural/anthropological/whateverdoosiwhatsit view. I read someone that the rigid parenting 'methodologies' (?) of the early 20th century were intended to create emotionally detatched soldiers etc. (I could have that totally wrong.)

[lee09]

For me, reading baby sleep books frightened me into thinking my baby had to learn to self settle. 'They say' inability to self settle is the cause of all other sleep problems: catnapping during the day, frequent night wakings, etc. You can assist a newborn, or a one, two or three month old, but older babies will start waking after an hour or two of sleep if they are unable to self settle. The books make you believe that your baby's sleep issues are a direct result of how you parent them to sleep, scare you into sleep training with the prospect of years of sleepless nights, and for nervous new mums like me, want you to believe that there's a one size fits all approach to all babies - if you can make your bub fit the textbook, then you're doing it right.

Took me a long time to accept DS wasn't a textbook! Though I'm still not sure his catnapping isn't my fault... Sigh.

[Livinthedream]

Thanks all
Just to clarify, definitely not looking for people to justify their personal decisions, just really curious about the obsession with self settling. You know, where did the idea come from? Why is it so important? Is it about the parents, or the child, or both?

I *think* that it is to teach them that although we all sleep in cycles (I have forgotten the names, but the REM sleep cycles) you dont have to actually wake up and get up at the end of a cycle.
For example, a baby sleeps in a 40 odd minute cycle, thats why bubs will often sleep for 45 mins, 1 1/2 hrs or 2 1/4 hrs at a time. Its in about 40-45 min blocks.
Self settling is about them learning that they can go from deep sleep into light sleep and then repeat the cycle without actually waking up properly at all.
If they rely on you to soothe them every 40mins, then they dont learn to drift in and out of the phasesand utimatley end up far lest rested.
That is my understanding anyways.
Weather that works for you or not is a different issue.

[KitFaerie]

The thing is though, with baby sleep cycles, as a newborn they go into sleep with their brain in active mode, adults slowly drift into a relaxed state and then fall asleep. Babies don't. They do need us to put them into a relaxed state. Their brains aren't fully developed yet, and that happens at different rates for different babies.

For me personally, I believe in security before resilience. If all I had to do was look after DS, and my ''village'' did the cleaning and cooking and all that stuff, then it would be far less of an issue.

[Cherished]

MadB I kind of thought the same thing re JLeighs post, whilst what JLeigh said seem logical I thought separation 'could' also have the opposite effect. I think it depends on the baby really, for JLeigh her ds has always been a great sleeper and she hasn't had any need for anything but self settling. I think it's also important to distinguish the difference between self settling and CIO, they are two different things. Sure I could have put ds down and walked out and he may have happily gone to sleep without fuss but we chose to co-sleep and so we love our snuggles and ds prefers to wake up and cuddle for 15 mins before even jumping out of bed. It's also worth pointing out that you can have a self settling cosleeper too. But back to the original question about self settling, I had thought that always being there if your baby wants you there that it creates reassurance, confidence etc and at the same time allows your baby to grow into a secure child and then adult knowing that their parents are always there for them and they have a really close bond. So I kind of think that being there for bub creating that attachment fosters independence more than self settling. To use JLeighs post as an example I'd have to say that my ds is very confident and independent and I don't need to settle him whenever he bumps himself or is interacting with others so our lack of allowing him to self settle hasn't effected his ability to interact with others in a positive way. I'd like to point out again though that every baby is different. We are lucky that ds has always gone to sleep quickly (maybe because I've always been there) and even his naps have been decent so there's been no problem. I understand that some babies may get so used to being comforted back to sleep that it becomes a problem for some parents. Each to their own and what works for them

[Mumo'2]

For me, reading baby sleep books frightened me into thinking my baby had to learn to self settle. 'They say' inability to self settle is the cause of all other sleep problems: catnapping during the day, frequent night wakings, etc. You can assist a newborn, or a one, two or three month old, but older babies will start waking after an hour or two of sleep if they are unable to self settle. The books make you believe that your baby's sleep issues are a direct result of how you parent them to sleep, scare you into sleep training with the prospect of years of sleepless nights, and for nervous new mums like me, want you to believe that there's a one size fits all approach to all babies - if you can make your bub fit the textbook, then you're doing it right.

Took me a long time to accept DS wasn't a textbook! Though I'm still not sure his catnapping isn't my fault... Sigh.

Absolutely, this is me. I'm the same, still not sure that there was nothing more I could have done. DD always catnapped about 20 mins during the day, eventually I gave up putting her down and just held her through her sleeps. She takes about an hour to fall asleep and has only just started occassionally sleeping through at almost 3. I tried all the things the CHN recommended, we went to a sleep school who wanted us to let her cry it out at 4 months old (CIO is the one thing I won't do), read a lot, but when I couldn't get any of that to work I just fed and rocked to sleep and co-slept.

The heartbreak for me was the implications that my dd would be so sleep deprived that it would somehow effect her development. At some stage I thought - well kids don't starve themselves, and I am sure that if she gets to the stage where the lack of sleep is actually harming her that she will have to just shut down and sleep. So I just tried to make her feel safe so that she could pass out when needed. At 20 months we night weaned so I could get preggers and it was pretty traumatic.