Oh noooooo!!!! I know EXACTLY how you feel- my cat Gordon who Ive had for 7 years was like my child- until 3 months ago... now I feel exactly like you, to the point of when he meows i tell him to shut up or i throw a pillow at him. And I felt so disgusted at myself on saturday when i went to pat him and he flinched ... I even say to DP "lets just take him to the pound" I still love him and realistically I dont think I could ever give him up but its just like you said about pecking order.

I definately dont think you should get your older one put down,but maybe he would be suited to an older person maybe who is at home full time and has alot of love(crazy cat lady maybe?) Sorry I know Im not much help...