Pregnancy after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ November 2011

Laney - Thank you our first week has been good hopefully more to come. Not long for you now, sorry that you didnt make Shelby a little sister but just think Shelby is even more special since shes your only girl, I know you probably hear that alot and im sorry if it upsets you, im just not to sure what else to say sorry hun.

I've just found out I am pregnant again, and wanted to connect with some people who know what it is like not to have the confidence that a pregnancy equals a healthy baby to bring home.

My first child is now four and has just started preschool. He is all kids of awesome, and we love him to bits. In 2010 we decided to add to our family, and I was told that I was having twins.

At 15 weeks my waters broke, and I was advised to terminate. At 17 weeks I was told both babies were dead, and then 4 hours later that they both had strong heartbeats. I was on home bed rest from 15 weeks. At 19 weeks Aubrey had no heartbeat. At 26 weeks I went in to hospital.

At 28 weeks, I developed an infection, and went into labour. Archimedes lived for 7 hours, and didn't get to hold him until after he died.

My antibiotics were mishandled, and I developed sepsis which didn't respond to treatment. I was in hospital for about 3 weeks after the babies were born, and they were preparing me for transfer to the ICU when I started to turn the corner.

When I came home I was so debilitated that it took me moths before I was able to take sole care of Inigo without help. I spent a year in deep grief, and am now starting to rebuild my life.

About 8 months ago we decided to try for another baby. Our first two conceptions were pretty much instantaneous, so I was starting to think that it was never going to happen, that Inigo would be our only living child.

Then last Friday when my period was due, I took the customary test, and it was positive.

Now every cramp feels like a harbinger of a miscarriage, and every trip to the loo is terrifying. And I'm not even 5 weeks yet. If I wasn't clinically insane before, I certainly will be by September, if we make it that far!

Thanks for listening,

Lara

Lara - or RnC - welcome to our special little group, congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!! - but I am deeply sorry that you're here in this group, sorry that your precious twins died and couldn't stay. Such beautiful names too. And I am sorry that your care was so compromised and you got sick. Ahh, I am pretty sure we all know the feelings you talk about. I am not sure it gets any easier, the more you advance in the pregnancy, but the fears and anxieties change. I don't dread going to the loo as much as I used to ( well sometimes, but not every single time like I used to), but there are different fears now.

Just so you know a little about the others that post here I will tell you about me, but pretty quickly. First pregnancy, July 2008, blighted ovum discovered at a dating scan at 8 weeks, m/c naturally. Second pregnancy, February 2009, 22 weeks gestation, spontaneous pre term labour. In hospital for about 24 hours prior to the birth - the baby was determined to come. Amelia, our first child and daughter lived for a while. She died in our arms. Third pregnancy - fraternal twins - July 2009 - our son Nicholas was born during a scan, then delivered. Too young to survive once the umbilical cord cut - he was our only child to come home with us before HB. There had been complications before that, including amniotic fluid leaking, bleeding and cramping. Never good signs. The next 5 weeks were some of the hardest ever, but despite our best efforts, our third child Sophie was born at 19 weeks, again spontaneous pre term labour. She lived for an inordinately long time and died in our arms. Having multiple losses I think at times is easier than a single loss, not that any loss is easy. I suppose there are more babies to share your love, and more babies to remember. Anyway, in January 2010, I was lucky enough to get another BFP, and after 7 months of bed rest, a cervial suture, and complete terror, and a little danger to both baby and me, I finally found out what it was like to bring a healthy baby home. HB is the true joy of my life. And so here I am pregnant again, right in the middle of the second tri which is gestation that is just so very dangerous for me, and this pregnancy coincides exactly with the dates of my pregnancy with Amelia. Hard hard times. I am just about to head off to a counselling appointment. Scared to go in case I kill my baby by going out, but I need to go, as I am just not coping this time. Not that I coped last time either.

Anyway, hugs my blossom, and looking forward to sharing this crazy rollercoaster ride with you.

In time I'd love to hear how you have memoralised your babies. But that will come - it's a long 8 months to go. Believe me, we all know!!

LANEY - OMG OMG OMG - it's only one more sleep (Aus time) until you get to meet your little boy!!!!! I can not tell you how super excited I am for you. You are in my thoughts constantly. I am sorry that you were in hossy, and I hope those contractions stay away long enough for your boy to come out through the sun roof.


I know what you mean about feeling like this will be your last pregnancy. I think if Raspberry Bear lives that will be it for me. Physically this pregnancy is so demanding on me, and I am not sure I have the strength to do another. It's a sad reaslisation - enjoy the fears while you can as it might be the last time you have them? Crazy. I am sorry it's been so hard on you too, all those adverse reactions. I know you'd hoped for another girl, but if you don't go again, then Shelby will be your one and only precious little girl. That's kind of how I think about Nicholas, he's our only boy, and he might remain that way.

Anyway, better go and make some lunches and get ready to go. HB is still asleep but we need to be gone in about 30 mins. Nothing like leaving things til the last minute.

Lara, welcome to our little group. I'm so sorry that you needed to find this kind of support. Pregnancy really is a crazy rollercoaster ride for all of us in here. Just know that we are all here to listen and we understand your feelings. Also, Congratulations on your pregnancy.

TylersMummy, thank you for your kind words. You did not upset me at all. I actually hate talking about my desire for another little girl because i don't like to upset people. I am a very lucky woman. 3 years ago i never thought that i would have even one living child and now look at me.

dory, the "sun roof" you made me smile. Thank you! It is 3am and i can't even think about sleeping, very nervous.

Laney, well seeing as you're too nervous to sleep, can you tell me a little about Shelby and Parker? I have never asked before. And why would talking about wanting a girl upset people? Do you mean family and friends IRL? You know in here you can always talk about what the heart desires, what the mind fears, and what the soul rejoices in.

I am so glad I went to my counseling session today. I know I've found someone special when I can walk away with such a sense of peace and love. I got a lot out of it today. I took HB and I was worried she'd be too much of a distraction, but she was a star and coped with the 2 hour session. Food, books, some toys and a dog helped! Anyway, the biggest task for me to work on is to actually be kind to myself and to let the harsh self critic take a little holiday. I think I can do it. The funny thing, is I gave my harsh self critic a physical persona, and the first and most appropriate one that came to mind, was my overly critical and insensitive relative. Thinking about that just makes me smile. Weird I know, but whatever works. My counselor has never asked to me to do something like that before but I hope it can help me. I just love the sense of serenity that I get after my counseling sessions. They are not easy but it feels like a weight has been lifted and that I don't have to do it alone. That's the other thing I want to work on - asking for help, but accepting that people may or may not offer it when I ask. Anyway, those are things I wanted to take some steps on, so here we go. Not that being pregnant and scared witless makes me do it, but it gives me the motivation to take some action. I suppose what I really mean is that for some reason now I actually give myself permission to take it easy and to ask for help. So I am excited to be nuturing myself a little, and in the process all of my little family, angels included.

Here's another thing I want to ask, and it's more likely to be relevant to those of us further along in our grief. I realised today that I no longer feel awkward when people ask me how many children I have. I suppose I understand how it works now, both socially and for me personally. I am finally mostly comfortable with answering ( unless it's a medical person asking, they get the whole story). I don't feel like I am betraying my angels or being disloyal to their memory. I know how many children I have. I don't need to "wear them" on the outside anymore. I get to choose who I share my most precious of children with. Obviously there are still times when I feel pulled in different directions, what my heart wants to share and what I know people would prefer to hear. But that's OK. The guilt isn't there all the time anymore. Does anyone else feel that way?

Laney - Good luck with meeting your little guy very soon :) I hope your recovery is quick and that your DS's are good for there mummy. Like Dory said you can say anything you like we understand how you feel.

Dory - Wow look at you 18 weeks! I know that your coming up to 1 of your milestones so I hope it flys by. Im the same with when people ask if DD is my first its kind of hard to explain about Tyler especially because some people just dont know what to say.

Lara - Welcome sorry that you are in this group but most of the ladies in here understand what you are going through, dont be afraid to say what you are feeling or anything. Oh and congrats on your pregnancy I hope you have a H&H and boring 9 months.

AFM - I went for a walk tonight I have the motivation to loose this baby weight so thought I would start. Im feeling a bit better down there (lol) cant feel the stitches and DF had a look and said he couldnt see them so maybe it has healed. I have had a crap day with DD havent had much sleep but I got there shes down atm so hopefully shell be down till 2am or something like that FX anyway.

dory, i forget sometimes that not everyone know my pregnancy history and why i needed to join this forum. I found out that i was pregnant with parker shortly after i was married. we were blissful and ignorant that anything could go wrong after 12 weeks. All of my ultrasounds were normal and he looked great until 17 weeks. He measured 5 or 6 days behind. The doctor didn't sound worried about it but did send me to have a level 2 ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. I went alone that day, i should have been 22 weeks along. i was told the heartbreaking news that he didn't have a heartbeat. 2 days later i had to go in and have my cervix dilated and have him extracted. I had some testing done and was told that everything was normal and it never happens twice. I was pregnant with shelby 3 months later. At the same 17 week ultrasound she was a week behind in growth. We had a weekly ultrasound and every week she was farther behind in growth. They told me every week that she wouldn't be alive at my next appt. We went on like that for 11 weeks. She never weighed enough for them to take her out. I couldn't find her heartbeat with my home doppler when i was 28 weeks and 3 days. i went in the next morning for an induction. It lasted 12 hours and i gave birth to a tiny 1 pound baby girl. I ended up having 100's of tests and everything was normal. The only thing that they did find was that 25 percent of the placenta had no blood supply. They assumed this was because of a blood clot. I demanded blood thinners for my next pregnancy. I guess that is what i needed because we are about to have our 3rd healthy baby.


I am glad that you have a counselor that is so helpful and great to talk to. I never had that kind of luck with any. BB helps me keep my sanity. I do not have as much of an issue talking about parker and shelby as i did before. i am able to talk about them without tears.

and i don't like saying anything on BB about still wanting a girl because there are so many women that would give anything just to have a healthy baby.

Thanks for the lovely welcomes :)

I spoke to my counsellor today and told her. She has asked me along to a pregnancy after loss support group which is next week, so I think I should go.

If this were a "normal" pregnancy I would be thinking about my care options. Last time I had planned for a homebirth which obviously didn't happen. This time I feel stupid even thinking about options, I am so convinced that I am going to miscarry any second.

How did you guys handle this - do you make plans anyway, or wait until a magic milestone? I know that homebirth midwives get booked up early so I can't wait too long if that is how I choose to go.

Thank you also for sharing your stories, there is so much heartbreak. And Dory, I totally get what you mean about disclosure. It's been 14 months for me, and I am now (sometimes) able to talk about my boys without being destroyed by grief. But I don't feel terrible if I don't disclose every time either. Sometimes it's nice to feel normal for a little while :)

Lara

Lara in all honestly i didnt even acknowledge my pregnancy until about 24 weeks in! i didnt see a dr until i was 16 weeks either because i just couldnt deal with the reality that i was infact pregnant again!
Hi to everyone will catch up properly soonm but very quickly, all is going well, little miss is a fatty accourding to scans, and well my huge belly, 3 weeks today and she should be here xxx

Laney` - OMG OMG, in Aus time you've had your little boy come up via the sun roof!!!!!! Sending you lots of strength for your sons birth. He is much loved and much adored. I can't believe BrExton is goING to be a big brother. Grayson already is, but Brexton?

Thanks for sharing about Parker and Shelby. I am glad you demanded blood thinners, as you have 2 beautiful boys, already here and on the cusp of meeting the third.

TM - glad you hear you're up to going for a walk. Those newborn days are so hard and such a blur. Just know that the hard times will pass, and before you know it, those sleepless nights will feel like a thing of the past. I am a little worried about how I am going to cope with that combination of tubro toddler and newborn.... eep.

RnC - Ahh it's so hard to know how to manage a pregnancy after loss/es. Sigh, I only ever had private care, so that meant a hossy birth right from the beginning. And I was happy with my Obs, so that's how it stayed. Oh and I became high risk so I needed that level of care. Just as well too for HB's pregnancy/birth. So for me those bigger decisions weren't an issue. But about the rest? It would depend on the day and how I felt. Although in reality, I waited until I was about 18 weeks pregnant to join a Belly Buddy forum here on BB, so I guess I put things off a little. If I think about other things that pregnant women do - baby showers, buying things for the baby, getting the nursery ready etc etc, I didn't do that either until right at the end of the pregnancy, and to do it felt like a sham. So even though I probably wrote about being hopefu and I did do things like lots of reasearch and bought some little things, my own actions tell me that I was not hopeful. Sad in a way, it's just stuff and the "stuff" doesn't jinx you. The stuff doesn't make the good or bad things happen. I think it would have been sad not to have had anything bought in anticipation of the baby - just in case the worst happened again, then there would be nothing tangible that I had to remember the pregnancy, or to know that I was ready to welcome the baby? It's been important to me to have the things I'd bought for all the babies around, and I explain them and their importance to HB. And it's important to me emtionally to embrace the baby by buying something little. It's probably not my personality style to have a nursery all set up in advance any way, so it's hard to know how much of it was fear and how much was just me. But taking a guess, a lot was fear.

You're right about it being nice to feel normal for a while, even just a little while before the reality comes crashing in.

If you're after a homebirth, I'd do it. You can always un book them if you don't want to go that way. Better to have the option available to you, rather than miss out. So I'd do it. Be brave and do it.

Sky - we must have posted at the same time... I was sooooo excited to see your name pop up. I have been thinking about you a lot, but not gotten to PM'ing you. So sorry for being slack. I can't believe you're 33 weeks. I'll bet you're feeling pretty nervous now..... how are M & S doing? M will be 6 this year and S will be 3. Amazing. And Jack, your precious boy will soon be 1. Crazy..... I can't believe, literally, that my 3 will be 3 this year. I used to see people's signatures on BB and see their angels were older, and I used to wonder what that was like. Guess now I am there. Do you have any plans for his anniversary? Take care of yourself my friend.

Laney - I must pop in and check to see if you've been able to post a BA...... thinking of you sweets and sending you lots of love. Who's looking after Grayson and Brexton while you're in hossy?

Sky - sending you hugs.

TM - I hope you and Rylee and going well. Can you believe it's one and a bit weeks already?

Here's a question, and one which I imagine only bereaved mothers would think to ask. I don't know the answers so need to ask....

Does a baby have to be alive to be baptised?
Does a person have to be baptised to have a funeral in a church?

I might ask a friend of mine who is really religious. I don't want to ask my Mum as it will just upset her, but she would know.

Dory - We are going very well thank you, I cant believe its been almost 2 weeks seems like just yesterday lol. Im unsure of those questions im pretty sure I have heard of people baptising there stillborn babies but I wouldnt know sorry. How are you going? Has the m/s gone yet?

Laney - I hope you are enjoying those newborn snuggles :P

Sky - Wow hun not long and your wee girl will be here how are you going?

AFM - Rylee is doing very well shes very content my mum skyped with us this morning and she just sat with me didnt make a noise, so after that I bathed her and she just loves her bath lol she cryed when I took her out, but now she smells nice :) since she has decided to poo right through her clothes 2 days in a row now lol.

TM - that's so sweet about Rylee being content, and pooing through her clothes. HB was never that content as a wee one, but there were reasons for that. About the pooing, it's gross but it means that everything is working as it should!!! So I say go Rylee, but two days in a row is enough! LOL. How is DP going as a Dad?

The m/s has gone, phew. It's been replaced with constipation/diaihorrea.... yikes, not pleasant, but the m/s was worse. There is no glamour in pregnancy for some huh?

HB is currently sleep refusing, and getting more and more upset. DH is in with her. I think he's trying not to nurse her, problem is when he puts her to bed he's been nursing her for a while now, so it's what she's become used to. I don't do it but when I put her to sleep last night, I ended up doing it as she was just so upset. Still took an hour. YIKES!!! When I put her to sleep during the day there is no and hardly any crying. Oh well. Maybe I'll go in , as it's easier to listen to when I am in there, as at least I feel like I am doing something.

My friend said he's going to look into those questions, but he has to do some research.

Have a good weekend!

OMG you girls can talk, I'm not even sure how I'm going to catch up.

rhubarbandcustard - congratulations and welcome although I wish we were meeting under different circumstances. We didn't get organised until the last possible moment, hubby was still buying things while I was in hospital so your not alone with feeling like taking things slow with getting organised. If you want a homebirth though dory's right try to keep your options open, if you can, it might be hard but somehow you'll find the strength to organise it.

skybie - not long to go now.

TylersMummy - it sounds like you are Rylee are going great and the pooing through the clothes thing, though very gross is also very normal.

Laney - I can't wait to hear all about your newest arrival and hope you and the little one, and the whole family for that matter are doing well.

dory - we were offered a christening for Isabel but because we didn't go ahead with it I'm not sure if it would have been religious or civil. I'm so glad you're having such a positive experience with your councellor. If you're still thinking about a psychologist maybe talked to your doctor about a referral, somehow I'm able to get referrals from my doctor that make a set number of appointments free through medicare. Unfortunately even after 3yrs I still feel awkward and guilt and never know what to say about how many babies I have, you're so lucky to have found some amount of peace with that.

AFM and I'll keep it short, today this baby is the same gestation as Isabel was when we lost her and in less than 2wks it will be Isabel's 3rd Birthday. My iron levels are playing up even more than usual, to the point that the doctor is using scare tactics (which is unlike her) to take supplements even though she knows that's not an option. My care hasn't improved, so this time I'm trying to do everything without my psychologist and they wont let me have one of the extra U/Ss that I had with Kate.

I hope that covers most things and that I haven't missed anyone.

Dory - Haha yes its a bit gross but Im happy to know everything is working, she peed on my hand this morning when I was changing her nappy lol first time too so I must be lucky. DF is doing well I just wish he would help a bit more, I cant wait till I get my breast pump so he can help with feeding her. He is just so in love with his little girl though lol. Glad your ms has gone boo about it coming out the other end though lol, I hated being constipated and with being on iron supplements made it harder too lol. Aw I hope HB starts sleeping for you, dont all DP's do that though lol even if you tell them no lol. Glad your friend is having a look into your questions.

Kam - Thanks we are doing very well. Oh hun thinking of you big hugs you have reached one of the biggest milestones in your pregnancy. I hope Isabel's 3rd birthday goes by gently for you and I will be thinking of you as you remember your darling Isabel. I hope you make a complaint about the care your getting sounds like they dont care as you have a live baby sorry that you arent having the care you should be.

Better go little Miss wants mummy lol

KAM - Hope you got through your milestone gestation with this bubs. Thinking of you for Isabel's birthday. 3 years. How time goes, and how it feels like only yesterday. I hope you have something nice planned to remember your darling little Isabel. Sorry that your care isn't up to scratch. Hugs. I could go to the GP, but the medicare rules changed and I need a mental health plan, and I am not sure I want that. I can claim a portion from the health fund, so that might just be enough.

TM - he he. Pee is better than Poo.

Sky - can't wait to hear from you again.

Laney - sending you lots of love.

AFM - just doing it tough right now. Not a lot to say, unusually. Take care.

Big Big hugs Dores, i hope you're ok xxx
im struggling atm too, being so pregnant and Jacks birthday on thursday, its so hard not to freak out at every bubby nap time and think its all gone wrong again. i just want her out and safe so desperately. i hate that i cant trust my body to do something as simple as keep a baby alive.
2 weeks tomorrow and she should be here