Warning: I'm being totally honest here, and this may upset some people. Also, it's quite long.
I suppose I should be grateful. I got to 27 weeks before starting to freak out. But freak out I have been the past three days. I convinced myself I'd lost Cookie.
Never mind I could feel him/her kicking lazily here and there.
Never mind the logical part of my head was telling me that I was trying to feel kicks at times s/he tends to not kick much (I'm guessing s/he's asleep during those times - they do sleep in there, you know!) and the fact I was feeling kicks at all was a good sign at least.
Never mind I knew s/he had moved into a new position a couple of days ago so it could just be that s/he's kicking towards my back instead of my front.
Oh, no, the fact that I wasn't feeling the massive strong kicks I've come to expect from Cookie had convinced me that I'd lost another one. I started making plans last night and everything - "I'll let Scott go to work, then call him when he finishes and tell him to meet me at the hospital because I'm worried. Then we'll do the scan, confirm what I know, go home to pack bags..." I seriously had it all planned out. Right down to the plot in the cemetery where we'd be burying another child. I even (this is so hard to say, and please don't judge me...) planned where I was going to ask to be buried, because I was going to kill myself.
I got up, had a drink of water, and sat on the couch and started thinking about what kind of stuff I might want to pack. "Maybe I should do it now?" I thought, but decided I was too tired and went back to bed. I lay on my back for a little bit, hands on my belly, and thought about my babies. I felt guilt that I've bonded more with this one than I ever did with Ianto. I felt sadness that I'd lost two in one year, and this one so close to Xmas too! I felt paranoia that I'd never be able to carry a child to term. I felt... a massive kick, right under my hand! I'd been thinking about it all for so long that the time had clicked over into an "awake time" for Cookie, and s/he was kicking as usual! I could even distictly feel where his/her bum was, for the very first time! (I'm guessing bum, could have been a head...)
Of course, I immediately burst into tears, waking Scott up in the process. Now he thought something was wrong, and I tried with all my might to explain that it was okay, they were half happy tears, half "oh s***, I have another 13 weeks of this worry!" tears. He hugged me with his hands on my belly and felt a few kicks himself. That's all he needs. Not me, I'm still worried! I know how quickly things can turn around, so my happiness was short-lived.
So, twenty seven weeks of being fairly cruisy about this pregnancy, and now I'm scared. How am I supposed to trust my body and my baby for the next thirteen?
Sending you a big hug . You are doing such a great job and you are well and truly entitled to lose it every so often .
I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, but I just want to let you know that I have great admiration for you. You have been amazingly positive throughout this pregnancy and we will all be so happy when we hear you are holding your precious Cookie safely in your arms .
Oh Teni that must have been terrible to think it had happened again. Maybe you should tell him about this so he can help you get through these last weeks a bit easier? Even if it's just so he knows that your feeling a little extra fragile and need extra attention from him.
Massive hun, I was exactly the same as you when I was pregnant with Bella. What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal, I worried the whole 9mths and when she was born I just kept on crying out is she ok even after I heard her beautiful little cry. I wish I could tell you not to worry but you will worry, it's so normal after a loss. We are all here for you xxxx.
Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13
I think you've done amazingly well to get to 27 weeks without a major freakout. Part of it may now be Cookie's changed position or taking up more room. A lot will probably have to do with the fact you're in the home stretch now. You're not far from when Ianto died and that will be a major milestone to get through.
Just take each day as it comes. Use a kick counter. Meditate on Cookie and send her/him lots of love. If it makes you feel better to pack a bag, do so, but include the baby clothes and blankets for the live baby you'll be bringing home. You know you can get a scan anytime to reassure yourself.
You're doing really well growing your baby. This is a different pregnancy and a different baby. Play your affirmations track over and over. It will help, even for just a little while. I don't know how far into the hypnobabies course you are, but it may help to start doing the fear clearing session - just don't do it while you're on your own.
Oh Teni! Dianne has said it so well and like many others here has been down that terrifying road. It is natural to be scared, and the next few weeks will probably be a bit of a rollercoaster for you. All you can do is take it one day at a time. we are all here for you. Never be afraid to ask your care providers for some reassurance in terms of dopplers or scans either - whatever it takes to get you through the time between now and when you're holding your lovely, healthy, happy Cookie in your arms
(Pls ignore null - I can't turn it off from my phone)
Teni, you are so so brave and you're going to be a wonderful mummy for Cookie. We're all here for you and we will be reading that wonderful birth announcement from PZ in 13 weeks!
Oh hunni a perfectly normal emotion when my waters started leaking at 26 weeks with Claire I was convinced it was Anthony all over again especially when they confirmed labour and I was transferred to Melbourne even now I still worry every single day and like you I even had myself convinced something was wrong last week although passing out all the time isn't helping curb that!!
Great that you are still feeling nice strong kicks too my midwife well old midwife told me with Bellah when I was worried about limited movement that's it's very normal for it to slow during late pregnancy as they run out of room to kick and twist around. Before you know it you will be holding your beautiful healthy crying pooping feeding bubba and ianto will be looking down so proud of his little family and so proud of how strong his mumma can be and don't feel ashamed of ANYTHING baby loss is a hard thing to live with i think you're doing amazingly well
And so it begins...
Reply With Quote
Teni.
.
Bookmarks