My mum actually passed away in 2003, she was only 50, after battling cancer for a few years, it finally attacked her brain really hugely and she couldn't have more chemo because it was just not making her any better and the doctor said "when its not working, you have to make the choice to keep paying lots of money for it, when its not working, or let it go" and mum chose to let it go, which sucked, I miss her all the time.

My mum loved children, and would have been thrilled for me to have a baby.

My dad has a girlfriend now, that he got about a year after my mother died, she is foreign, a total alcoholic and weirdo, and yeah, he was never home much, but she's a weirdo, I was still living with my dad after mum died and he got the new girlfriend and she was so annoying and nasty that I actually moved out of home to get away from her because I felt as if one day I would punch her in the face.

Today I was walking in our local community center, where they sell second hand goods and furniture and stuff, and there was this beautiful little baby capsule for in the car, lined with white fluffy sheep wool and it had some other things to go with it, like little covers and blankets, and one of the blankets looked just like my own blanket I had as a baby and I ended up having to hide in a corner because I was crying.

I've actually had something similiar to this weird thing happen to me once before... I actually hadn't had a period in TWO months, the first time around, and when my periods finally came, at least, thats what I thought they were, I mean, I had no idea or thought at the time that I might have been pregnant, it didn't even cross my mind, but I remember when I was bleeding, I was in SO much pain I was doubled up on the floor and couldn't move. It was about 9 months after my mum had died, and my sister was at our place and my dad, but neither of them even cared that I was so bad I couldn't move. I bled so much that when I stood up to go to the bathroom, blood would trail all over the floor. Nobody noticed.

This time there is lots of clotting, and pain that isn't badly constant... its bad enough I have to keep lying down and hoping it will go away, but its nothing like that one time before. The clotting is disgusting however, and today I've been feeling really physically ill, belching a lot and feeling like I'm going to vomit (which is saying a lot for me, since I tend to have to be ten times more sick in the stomach than most people to even feel nausea, I have a stomach like iron... I can eat or do anything and not get queasy, where others would be violently ill.

I wish I had just booked in to see a male doctor, despite how uncomfortable it would have made me, because then I could have gone into the doctors office TODAY and not had to wait until Thursday.