Maybe crying with the midwife today was good. I bawled the day I booked in at the hospital, it was the first time I got to speak my experience to someone in the hospital system. The midwife was wonderful and treated me with utmost respect and sensitivity, I think I did a bit more healing that day. Maybe you did too, even if it didn't feel like that.

I organised an elective caesarean and I'm glad I did because I wigged out completely the day we did the hospital tour.

It may not be the right approach for you, but I'm telling you about it so you know there are things you can do to make this experience completely different to the first one. There is lots of support here on BB of course, and supports with calm birthing techniques, doulas and IMs, and like you've mentioned, counselling. Hypnotherapy and EMDR (Eye movement desensitation) can be particularly helpful to deal with PTSD.