omg lmao this is hilarious, sorry warped sense of humour~!

It is imbarressing, but not much you can do except maybe try not to eat too much of these foods which do tend to cause flatulence.

Beans
Peas
Broccoli, cauliflower
aisins, prunes
Apples
Fruit juices (because of the fructose they contain)

there are others but cant remember them all.