Partner wants me to have a termination!!!

[Bec79]

Hi all, well yesterday after having an ultrasound I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant

My partner wants me to have a termination. We have been together for 7.5 years we have 3 children 2 are from his previous R'ship they both live with us permanently our elsdest is 11 and then 9 and we had a child Together -Adam who will be 4 in November.

Partner says we struggling now with 3 kids, paying bills and daily living expenses how are we going to cope with 4 kids, bills etc. Not only that but I had Post Natal Depression after adam was born and still have a bit of depression but am on medication for this. We some times do find it hard to parent the 3 children I know sometimes i can find it overwhelming but feel we will make do and adjust as necessery.

My partner is adament that we are not having any more children and that I need to terminate this pregnancy. I already had a termination early in march I was 6 wks for his same reason that i have mentioned above. But I have told him NO I want to have another baby I want to be able to have a 2nd child with him. I feel I have been given a 2nd chance at being a mum again.

I do see to a certain point what my partner is saying about money etc but there is lots of people out there with 5 and 6 + kids i'm sure if they can do it so can we - whichj i have said that to him but his reaction was 'Good for them their idiots' it breaks my heart knowing that i may have to terminate as we are in some debit- bit behind in bills etc and trying to pay them all off before end of year. Oh please can some one help me

what are peoples thoughts can anyone help me

Bec 31

[Mum2Romone]

Only you can decide what YOU want for your family.... Only you know how you are coping and how things will affect your family.

I would definately have the baby... personally because having only one biological child id want another, but then you say you did terminate in march this year already and if the reasons are still the same as to why you shouldnt have anymore children, and with your partners attitude.. I would have sorted birth control out in March...

You certainly shouldnt feel forced to have a termination and at 11 weeks it will be a surgical procedure .....I hope you come to a decision soon and hope its the best choice for you and your family....

[Bec79]

Only you can decide what YOU want for your family.... Only you know how you are coping and how things will affect your family.

I would definately have the baby... personally because having only one biological child id want another, but then you say you did terminate in march this year already and if the reasons are still the same as to why you shouldnt have anymore children, and with your partners attitude.. I would have sorted birth control out in March...

You certainly shouldnt feel forced to have a termination and at 11 weeks it will be a surgical procedure .....I hope you come to a decision soon and hope its the best choice for you and your family....

Hi Mum2Romone,

thanks for your reply I terminated in March for my partner, because he belives that finanicaly we can't have anymore children, and yes only having 1 biological child I so want to have another biological child.

[LionsandBears]

Bec - it sounds like you want this baby very much. Perhaps that's why contraception wasn't used. I concur with PP about going through your budget, getting relationship counselling. You need to work out can you do it alone. Is it worth your relationship? Only you can determine that. I also think you need to discuss contraception with your DP. If he doesnt want any more kids is he willing to get the snip?

GL with your decision

[toomanyshoes]

Tashybabe has said it all perfectly as usual.

[diannescruffy]

Please don't let your DP pressure you into terminating this pregnancy, sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling. If your partner is so adament about not having any more children why is contraception not being used? You have obviously been through this before and it will happen again if precautions aren't taken.

Regards,
Dianne

[DANNIIM]

I agree with CK... i thought BB was a place any person could come and express themselves and not be judged. I think Bec understands terminations aren't used for contraception. Anyway thats my 2c.

Bec i personally think speaking to someone both you and your partner would be a great idea, just so you both understand where each party is coming from. Although ultimately it is your choice in the end, however i personally feel it is also a joint decision that needs to be made.

[Bec79]

Thanks LMS for your last post much appreciated. it is something i think he needs to hear I believe that we will get through things but he can be so negative at times and not believe everything will turn out. I hope he will change his mind as i don't want to take my nearly 4 year old away from his daddy - he loves his dad so much and it breaks my heart to know that it may very well come down to that.

[Asparagus and Lemons]

Big hugs.
Personally I wouldn't terminate just because dp thinks you should, it should be a mutual decision that you BOTH agree on.
I hope you can sort through it xx

[Glamourcide]

Ultimately, Bec, you need to make the decision that is best for you. Having a termination to please your partner would be so, so hard, on the other hand, so is being a single mum. Both are not ideal situations but at the end of the day you have to be the one who can look at yourself in the mirror and live with the choices you've made - as others have said, it doesn't matter now how you came to be in this situation (I know first-hand that 'accidents' happen, no form of contraception is foolproof when you and your partner are both reasonably fertile and it's certainly not my place - or helpful to you! - to speculate or ask about whether contraception was being used or where it 'went wrong'), it's too late for that now. What you need now is support, some independent advice and opinions, and some time to think long and hard about what your future holds as to which path you take.

All I can do is offer my own opinion - and going purely by the posts you've written (as I don't know the full story of your life, or your relationship), I have to say I get the feeling that keeping this baby would be the better option for you. You've been through a termination and dealt with the heartache of being 'forced' to end a pregnancy because of your partner's wishes - can you do it again and move forward without feeling increasingly resentful of him for ignoring your feelings and essentially implying that your desire to be a mum again is less important than his desire to be financially secure? Is money the ONLY issue that is playing on his mind, or is there some other reason he is so adamant about not wanting more babies? If he's so determined to not be a dad again, has he looked into taking responsibility for that side of things (eg, researched vasectomy etc)? (A bit off-topic obviously as it comes back to contraception, which is pointless now, but it comes across as a bit selfish that he is the one who wants his own way but won't take any responsibility for ensuring that he can't make any more kids...)

I chose to stick to two kids for financial reasons (among others). But there is living proof all over this site that families of 3 or more kids can and do live comfortably on a reasonable income - I'm sure it gets tough at times, but there are ways to fudge the budgets and cut costs to ensure that everyone's needs are met. Is it possible for either of you to pursue further education in order to gain better-paid employment in the future to provide for your family? Can you do some temp work while pregnant (I don't know if you're working right now) in order to save up some funds for when the baby is born?
As for depression and the overwhelming demands of coping with another child - yes, it's tough, but it sounds like you're in a good place as far as contact with your doctor and/or therapist and have a treatment plan in place. Any doctor worth their fee would be happy to monitor you during your pregnancy and beyond to make sure you stay as happy and healthy as possible, so it's workable. In my opinion it sounds like you would probably do a lot better emotionally if you had the support of your partner in this - it's no small thing that he's asking of you and it does sound like he's being a bit unreasonable ('termination or else' kinda deal).

Coming back to my first few statements... YOU are the one who has to live with this decision, whichever way you go. Your partner may not understand that termination is not as easy as a visit to the clinic and then you get over it after a few days of crying and cramping - it's so much more than that, and I fear that you may really suffer emotionally if you go through with a termination for his sake when you have stated that you really do wish to continue this pregnancy and be a mum again. On the other hand, if you go ahead and have this baby you may well end up being a single mum - which certainly doesn't mean you have to 'take your little guy away from his dad' at all, but raising kids single-handedly is a really tough gig - but we women are pretty amazing when it comes to finding the strength and resources to carry on and keep going

Either way, none of us here can make this decision for you, but we are always happy to listen, discuss things with you and to give you the support you need. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, it is a very tough one but you need to work out which decision is the one you can live with, itms. Hang in there, good luck - don't be afraid to keep talking to us about this. x


ETA: Wow. It's little wonder the termination support group here is private, with sentiments like that floating around. Some of you up there on your moral high horses would be absolutely ashamed of yourselves if you knew some of the journeys that some BBers (you know, people you care about and have respect for and are friends with...) have been through. And this is exactly why we can't talk openly about fears concerning unwanted pregnancies or considering terminations... I'm pretty disgusted right now.

Bec, you may want to consider seeking permission to join the Termination Support Group. At least you can then talk to others about the whole situation without fear of judgement or blatant attacks from people who just don't get it :/

[mrscricket]

What a sad way to welcome Bec to BB... Hope you can work through this and feel support from some of the posts here . Prehaps if anyone wants to debate the issue of right and wrong, they could start a new thread rather than battling it out in a thread where someone has genuinely asked for help.

[*Efjay*]

Bec, I am a mother to 5 kids, we are on a single income of around 56k. My DH didn't want anymore babies after #4 BUT I wasn't finished. He wasn't ready to put a end to his baby making days & well, #5 came along much to my pleasure. DH was a bit funny for a few days BUT we both know when I fell pregnancy & we both know neither of us used any contraception. I even made a comment about it later & he also asked about ovulation etc. So we were both very aware of the possible out come.

Anyway DH came around & was over the moon with the pregnancy.

We struggle as every family does. Regardless of income all families struggle at times.
Something to think about... A 4th child will mean an increase in FTB. The baby bonus money could help get you back on top of bills you are behind on etc. Not that I am suggesting people have a baby just to get on top of bills, BUT you are pregnant already so its money you can fall back on to help your family.
Also, if you did split over this, remind him he will still have a responsibility to support your children. You wont be taking away your 4yr old son or the new baby, as he is their Dad & will still play a vital role in their lives.

Personally I would be telling him that NO you will not be terminating this pregnancy. He will however need to seek help with coming to terms with this new life coming into your family. If Money is an issue then he can look at things he can do to increase the family income. But really we have 5 kids & manage just fine.

[~Kaz~]

It's not about not standing up for your beliefs Tali. It's about respecting other members. We all have beliefs and life experiences too and they are just as important as yours. This thread is not about your beliefs about this topic, (It wasn't titled "what do you think of...?" etc) it's about the way you express yourself and the places you express your beliefs. Sometimes it's just not appropriate. After multiple posts about the point of this thread being support for Bec, it's really disappointing that you chose to contribute in the way that you have.

Bec - I think getting more information about what your financial situation will be if you have another child (i.e. what will you be entitled to as a family with four children?) might help in your discussions with your partner. He is most probably thinking about trying to afford another child on your current income but I daresay you would be eligible to more assistance if you went from a 3 child family to a 4 child family. My other thought (based on your comment that he tends to look on the negative side of things) is to wonder whether he also has depression?

You do have some time. I hope over the next couple of weeks you can both talk a lot more and come to a decision that you are both happy with. Sending you BIG both for your situation and for some of the stuff in this thread.

ETA - heaps of posts occurred while I was writing this!

[AndiE]

Bec -wishing you all the best with your very, very difficult decision. Hugs.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

i haven't read everyone's replies but here are my thoughts:

1. You say you want to have another baby 'with him' - if this is going to tear your family apart then you will not be having a baby with him, you be be a single mother - are you willing to do that without regretting this child or your decision later?

2. It is a decision you BOTH need to make, while i agree that it's your body and majority your decision i also feel that if it's not his choice and he's going to treat this child differently it's not going to be a harmonious upbringing IYKWIM.

I would strongly suggest sitting down together and discussing things, i can completely see where he is coming from in the sense of not having the $$ to support his family, i've come to realise that even when my DP doesn't show it he is under a LOT of stress to provide for us and that initiself can cause a lot of issues without adding to it.

I'm not saying your wrong for wanting this baby, i think everyone learns to adapt and cope and love a child and that is what a child needs, but you also need to go into with a clear head knowing what you can and can't do.

I also think if it was such an issue for him then Birth control should have been sorted, if you've been through 1 termination already then that should have been on his mind.

I hope he comes around and you get your much wanted lil bub, but either way there is plenty of support here for you.
Talk it out and go from there.

[Traveller]

Welcome to BB Bec. I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation of having to make a choice with no easy answers. I hope you are able to find the support you need from our members here

[kelebek]

welcome to BB Bec... get posting in those general areas, get your posts upto 50. I can vouch for the support you get there

also apparently I need to spread some love so shout out to those ladies who were honest about thier situations and good on you. We all have a right to our opinion and what we believe... I think we need to be aware that it isn't always appropriate to post about them in some threads (eg I wouldn't post about breastfeeding in a thread about formula feeding when the OP clearly doesn't need to hear it)

[loulabelle]

hey bec,

How are you going?

xx