Anxious about second baby and struggling to connect with the pregnancy

[Ladylove]

Hello, I am going to have a bit of a ramble here...I'm just over 9 weeks along with number 2 and I'm struggling to connect. I had an early miscarriage a couple of months before this pregnancy but I don't think my disconnection is a fear of miscarriage... I'm not feeling like the pregnancy won't continue but I do feel a sense of anxiety that I never had with DD's pregnancy. But it's more about (I think) life after I have the baby. How will I cope with a newborn and a toddler just over 2 years old? How will we manage in our two bedroom apartment with stair access only? How can I labour in a small home with a toddler and family all interstate?

I desperately wanted baby number two to be no less than 2.5 years younger than DD so was thrilled when I fell pregnant again and it stuck but now I even sometimes find myself thinking that maybe I'm not suited to 'extended' motherhood, maybe I should have stopped at one beautiful baby.

And those are the days when I do actively think about the pregnancy. Sometimes I get to the end of the day and remind myself, hey, you're pregnant remember?!

I've had no pregnancy symptoms at all other than early cramping, DD self-weaning because she doesn't like my pregnant milk, exhaustion and it seems, a buggered immune system. Ive been sick on and off for almost a month too - not morning sickness but actual viruses- first a head cold then vomiting gastro then another cold that developed into a wet productive cough. It could be the weaning and sickness that's making me feel this way, I've read research on weaning and the mother experiencing feeling down, could be an amalgam of everything!

[glorious]

LL what your feeling is really normal! This time you are busy with a child and can't have your brain focused on the pregnancy all the time like you we're with your DD.

Most women have stages of worrying how they will cope when they add another child to the mix. I promise you a week in and you will wonder how you ever survived with only one child

[Ladylove]

True and I think the other factor for me is I had mild PND or maybe it was anxiety with DD. It took a few months to connect with her and in fact I didn't feel in love with her at all at first. I remember being so jealous of my husband, who told me after the birth - 'now I know what everyone means when they say they feel a euphoric rush of love once they see the baby born.' I didn't feel that love at all. Of course, now I'm besotted and I think lovingly of her most of the day but in the early weeks I just felt at sea.

[TickToc]

Hugs LL, you're not alone. Even this morning I thought what have I done? I battled pnd after DD was born & I have a good, stable life now - why am I having a baby now? Do I really want this baby? How will I cope when I don't feel that I did a good job with DD?
All these questions & more often run through my head at times. But we do want these bubbas snuggled in our bellies & we are going to do a great job at raising our kids because we love them. Our doubts show how much we care about the welfare of our children. Xxx

[~Hestia~]

LL I know exactly what you mean about the feeling of disconnect when you had your first. When I had Moo I think I was in shock from the birth and the realities of having a newborn...I didn't feel like he was mine for sometime. I used to tell him I loved him in the hope that real lovey feelings would soon come. And they did. It just took time. So when I was pregnant with Buster I assumed the same thing would happen, I thought that at least I was prepared and I wouldn't feel so guilty about it! However I was happy to feel overwhelmed with love for Buster when he arrived, so you could still get that euphoric feeling And you know that if you don't, that's ok too

[Jellyfish]

I think it is in the range of normal, everyone's different. I didn't have that rush of love with either of mine but anyone that knows me knows how I can gush about them now, they are just brilliant. It takes me ages to realise hey, I really like you... like 12months even. Of course I always have that protective instinct to care about them but it does feel more driven from a need to than a want to which then shifts as we get to know each other. I regretted pregnancy with both of mine too during, they were both unplanned and huge spanners in the works but now there is nothing I enjoy more than being part of my family so I don't think it is indicative of anything. Especially with DD2 I thought strongly that stopping at one would have been wiser but I've done a huge 180 on those thoughts too. The unknown can be scary.

Weaning is hard, it really knocks you around emotionally as everything adjusts hormonally plus with pregnancy affecting things too for you. Are you seeing a midwife yet? Maybe have a chat with them about it all just to debrief even?

Worry and concerns just mean you care

[CoNNiE_Melb]

LL I suffered from Anxiety after the first, and took months to form a bond too. In the first trimester with this one I was quite anxious aswell... I don't think the hormones help. But I have been working hard to put plans in place to help make the transition a little easier and I am feeling better about it all.

I have a To do, and To Buy list as a start - I like to be organised. Then I made a list of things I feel with make the whole process easier, that I went through with my husband. For example:
- DS to stay with my parents while we are in hospital with the new baby
- Visitors to the hospital to be limited and controlled by me
- I will try to breastfeed, if I cant - baby will have formula or mixed feeds - this is MY decision.
- DS stays in child care 2 days a week
- Re-do our budget so I am across it all and feel comfortable about our finances
- DH to stay home for a month with me to help when baby comes home

There were even more on the list, and these were all things that I feel made it hard for me after baby #1. I am trying to stay positive and every time I have a negative thought, I write it down and come up with a plan to make it a positive.

[JLeigh29]

LL - Your second post describes how I felt about DS for the first few months, and pretty much how DH felt too....which made me even more resentful of them both! I too used the 'fake it til you make it' technique and one day I just realised I'd finally got it - that overwhelming love that everyone talks about.

This preg I sometimes feel like 'life' gets in the way so much that I haven't had a chance to enjoy feeling pregnant. Plus, there is not a load of stuff to buy like with no 1 so it doesn't require nearly the same amount of thought. I feel guilty because this Bub sometimes seems o be a 'leftovers' baby, iykwim - he won't even have his own bedroom, and getting that prepared last time was a big part of making it seem real and bonding. But I know most of my friends felt the same with their second.

I also feel more prepared this time around for the shock of being a mother, giving birth and looking after a newborn. I'm still petrified DS will be a handful, won't cope with a new baby, that I'll never go back to work (I love my work and still miss it all the time), that I have no support on this side of the country, that I'll struggle to bond again, that I'll get PND and that maybe one child was a smarter choice!

So, on the whole, and after reading what PP have said, I think we're all pretty much normal.

If it helps, I felt a big jump in 'connection' and the 'realness' of this preg when my belly started to grow and again when I started to feel movement.

[Ladylove]

Wow thanks for all these reassuring replies! Actually when I wrote it all down here I immediately felt less anxious, and more 'normal'.