Ive only had that once and with this pregnancy, from the director of DS's preschool! Of all places and people! I dont know her more than anyone else there so not like shes a family friend or anything, but yeh.. the weird things people say!
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Ive only had that once and with this pregnancy, from the director of DS's preschool! Of all places and people! I dont know her more than anyone else there so not like shes a family friend or anything, but yeh.. the weird things people say!
Yep, I get it too. This time round No it wasn't planned but we didn't exactly try & prevent it either. I wanted more, DH didn't but wasn't ready to get the snip. things happen & we are both happy with our little surprise.
What bugs me more though is not one of my pregnancies has my own mother said "Congratulations" I am sure ALL 5 have been something like "Oh that's all you need" or something equally insulting.
I got asked that by everyone lol
My answer... No, Im a raging whorebag.
Shut them up for good :D
meh. I've asked if it's planned before. Why assume the question means more than it is? Unplanned doesn't equal unwanted.. it's just a question.
Having said that.. I'll probably be asked this too when we are pg with #3 cos we already have a boy & a girl. Sure it'll irritate me, but I wouldn't be offended and see it as people prying into my sex life! :rofl:
Oh and btw... my asking the 'planned' question isn't an initial reaction to the pg announcement.. it usually comes up later on or something. I usually jump up and down with congratulations as an announcement reaction :)
LOL, perfect.:
Sorry that thoughtless people are getting you down, Rach. People suck. xx
I had a lot of people who said things like, "congratulations! you must be thrilled! uh, you are thrilled, right? I mean, you're happy? this is, uh, on purpose?"
or people just saying "congratulations, was it planned?"
it annoyed me, but I'm not sure I was offended ... it's not a spre spot for me, personally.
but I found the question bizzarre - I mean, I was 28, married for 7 years, with DH for 12 years, and we didn't announce until I was 22 weeks pregnant.
my response ranged from "yes" to "are you seriously expecting me to answer that?" to "what are you suggesting?" to "what will you think if this baby wasn't planned?"
but over all, I think (for the people who asked me that question) it was more of an overly politically correct atmosphere, of people worrying that they're being insensitive or drawing incorrect conclusions by assuming that all pregnancies are wanted and planned ...
but how awful for you ladies who have had really negative comments, at what should be a beautiful and exciting time of your lives!
the closest to any of that which I experienced was one very close friend who congratulated me, and then read me the riot act for not telling her immediately when I got pregnant, then got really annoyed with me for not telling her whether we were expecting a boy or a girl (and kept trying to pressure me to tell her until I gave birth) and then warned me that I "had better not become one of those women who can talk about nothing but your baby and their latest talents and their pooing and eating and rolling and all that bu!!$#!^" ... thanks, babe ...
I have to say I agree with this, is just a question and peanutter puts it I think is a result of "people worrying that they're being insensitive or drawing incorrect conclusions by assuming that all pregnancies are wanted and planned ...":
Before I became pregnant and started looking on BB I never realised how difficult it is for some people it is to get pregnant, and how easy it is for others, how much planning can go into it - my world had never overlapped with babies and pregnancy and if I asked the "Was it planned" question in the past I certainly wouldn't have been thinking they want the baby less or interested in their sex life.
:
meh. I've asked if it's planned before. Why assume the question means more than it is? Unplanned doesn't equal unwanted.. it's just a question.
Having said that.. I'll probably be asked this too when we are pg with #3 cos we already have a boy & a girl. Sure it'll irritate me, but I wouldn't be offended and see it as people prying into my sex life!
Diff'rent strokes then, I guess. To me, the question is saying, "So did your contraception fail or didn't you use any?":
This is going to sound slightly silly, but before becoming pregnant myself - the fact that someone has had sex to get pregnant didn't really cross my mind - the two were sort of detached. If someone announced they were pregnant I wouldn't be thinking about them having sex, but I might be curious about what the thought process was about deciding was the right time to have kids if there was one, is human nature to be interested in the life of those around you - ok now I have BB where I can read all about peoples pregnancy and TTC journeys and read about peoples thought processes in deciding when is the best time for them to have a first, a second etc - but once upon a time there wasn't BB and you need to learn stuff from other people somehow.
Yeah, it's a bit like being offended that someone has announced their pregnancy... ewwww... I don't want to know that you had sex! :rofl:
:hug: Epacris thats so rude. :hug:
and big husg to everyone else who has encounted this :(
Wow, I never even considered that some people might not mind being asked the “planned” question. Thanks for sharing your different perspective.
I have such a strong reaction to it, I loathe it, it makes me seethe! I dread announcing this pregnancy because I know it’s coming and I just absolutely detest it. For me it is just such a gross invasion of my privacy. That’s just how I feel. :dunno:
what one gets me is the "do you own a tv?"
the one i was most shocked was when i told mum about no 4, her reply was" i know you wernt planing for another, so what are you going to do?" i told her "HAVE IT!! of course, i cant even think about any other possibility" her reply to that was "well i dont ever regret it, best decission i ever made, i couldnt have delt with 2 in nappies"
lucky i had called to tell her and not waited till she visited! i would have slaped her so hard! last time i had only one in nappys was befor dd was born and ds1 was just getting out of night ones.... after that one, nothing shocks me now!!!
yep, we're all different :)
I think it's the repetitiveness of questions that gets me more than anything. I see people post that they think it's rude to ask how the birth went, or how bub is sleeping, or whatever. I don't mind being asked stuff, but when it's asked a gazillion times I start getting annoyed. I had people commenting all the time on how huge I was with DD, are you sure it's not twins? you sure you've got your dates right? You look like you're going to pop any time now! I wasn't offended, just frustrated at answering the same questions all the time.
I hope you can overcome it somewhat, cos as you say, you know it's coming :/ Maybe include how you feel about it in your answer so they don't have a chance to think 'oh - surprise baby=unwanted baby' (not that I really think people think this?). Maybe something like "no, this is our little surprise and we're so excited" or something.
*hugs*
or I could just deck 'em! :lol:
soooooo.... was it planned?
*ducks*
Yup, definitely diff'rent strokes!
Liz, I disagree. I don't think it's like being offended by a pregnancy announcement at all. Of course everyone knows you have to have sex to get pregnant - that's the point: why would you need more details?
Vic, thanks for that explanation. I think I get where you're coming from.
If someone says, no, it wasn't planned... what do you say then? Don't you feel like (unless they are a VERY good friend) you are getting into 'none-of-my-business' territory?
When we told a certain person that i was pregnant the third time, this person said "oh really, that obviously wasn't planned." But the one that took that cake was very soon after in the same conversation, "well if this one was natural & DS was natural, what was IVF, a science experiment?" UMMMMM NO! That science experiment is your grandchild.
aah.. I was just having a laugh. But I still don't get the correlation of asking if it's planned and prying into someone's sexlife. Similar to a pregnancy announcement not being an announcement that I had sex. :dunno:
I dunno... i just see it as part of someone's story. It's a bit like asking how someone proposed.. it's just all part of the story. Or is that rude too??
:spit: OMG sarah that's one of the most offensive things I've ever heard :shakehead:
wow - this thread is running hot again!!
I think at the emd of the day, different questions/assumptions/attitudes will hit hot buttons for different people.
As I said, I didn't get too angry about this one (but understand that it would be offensive to some) and more was surprised that anyone would be shocked that someone of my age, married several years, and who openly had voiced the desire to have babies would (oh, horrors) be pregnant ...
But I got really narky when people kept on assuming I was going to quit my job and be a SAHM. :shakeshead:
I don't know why it wound me up so much, but I felt really judged and condemned by people who clearly don't think it's appropriate for the woman to work while the man is at home ...
while I'm sure lots of people wouldn't be offended by those assumptions ... I guess different things just push different buttons :)
Sex is part and parcel of pregnancy announcements, sure. No argument there. The difference is that that's assumed knowledge and doesn't need to be elaborated on (unless the announcer particularly wants to I guess). I do think that if you ask for more details then that's prying. Some people are ok with it, I wouldn't be. Not even from my sister, my mother or my best friend. I might volunteer information but I'd think them insensitive if they asked me.
But there's difference also in the amount people are willing to share... I've a friend who shared WAY more than I was comfortable with when she was TTC. *shudder* Still trying to get over that one, LOL!
There's also a difference in how much people are willing to ask ... I have one friend who (in the middle of a dinner party, might I add) asked over the table (and no, she was not directly opposite me) with questions like, "Hey, peanutter, what's a plug?" etc ...:
ah, the wonderfully inquisitive minds of my friends ... :shakehead:
Tell them yes it was and you are planning on having 10 of them :D
Gosh, reading this thread I think I have come off very lightly. I had a few "was it planned" but I just thought it was funny and a slightly strange question (which is what I said to the people asking). But I'm pretty sure it is just a way for them to be conversational about it, I really don't see any judgement at all.
But if I said to someone "I've got some wonderful news..." and they replied with a negative I would find that really strange & hurtful, I'm sorry for the ladies that have experienced that.
*deep breath*
I have to confess to being on the other side of this .
When Pie's FDC carer told me she was pregnant, my first response was Congratulations...and then the mouth went before the brain & I blurted 'was it planned?' totally unthinking, I was very surprised as I had had the impression they were done.
And when I left there, it hit me what I had said, and i spent all day feeling absolutely horrible. When I went to pick Pie up that afternoon the first thing I said was 'I'm so sorry for what I said this morning, that was such a rude thing to say, i just didn't think etc etc'.
She laughed & said it was ok, they had had a lot of it and yes they had said they were done but changed their minds. I guess I got off lightly
So please, I apologise on behalf of all those who have ever suffered a MAJOR case of foot-in-mouth - *running away now* :hide:
ETA - although reading this thread, some of those comments are just so nasty, I can't believe anyone would think that, let alone say it :(
I love that one.. Was it planned?? mmmmmm have sex unprotected and mmmmm its a good chance!
Tbh, I really don't care when people ask me! I've had it with nearly every person we've told (I assume it's because of my age lol) and I just say "yeh kinda" because that's the truth!
I'm like Liz in the sense that I don't see it as prying, I guess people are just curious and want to know abit more about your journey and thought patterns? :dunno:
I know I've asked, and people never cared, they openly answered and said yes or no, but then, maybe the groups I associate see things differently to how others do? But then, I've heard others are pregnant and just said congrats and didn't ask if they had planned it, I think it also depends on how well you know the person, their situation (I.e. If they're single, it obviously wasn't planned lol) and just the general situation when they tell you?
Maybe they aren't sure what to say when theyre told youre expecting and so that's why they ask? Lol.
AFM - I know most people who have asked have done so because DH and I are married and just simply WONDER how we expect to lay out our lives?
Whereas others are just simply finding a way to express and confirm their disagreeance with our choices lol, either way I don't care, as it's our life, and if they don't like it, they can sod off and stay away because I don't want people who aren't happy for us then I don't want their fake attitudes and them silently judging us around. :)
But that's just my opinion :)
Well DF and I have pretty much told everyone we're utd (our own reasons for announcing early :) ) and guess what? So far, not ONE was it planned!!! My mum was over the moon, I've got Congrats and well wishes. Got one, 'so you were obviously trying then?' from someone, and a rather biatchy text from a'friend' my own age who said, 'Don't you think it's a bit early to be celebrating?' But overall very positive. I'm sure when we tell MIL it will be a lot worse, but that won't be for a while!
that's a weird question to ask, i think. it is really none of their business. when i announced this baby on FB one of my friends on there (that i don't really talk to IRL) asked me if it was planned, and i was like...WTF ??? i just ignored her question and didn't answer. but yeh, i get your frustration after having been asked it so many times. i just wouldn't answer or say it's none of their business.