but please do try and understand. I have been tossing up for months where to post this, and I am going to put it here, but if anyone feels it would be better somewhere else, please feel free to move it.

Anyway - I have 100% decided against vaxing Phoebe before - at least - her first birthday. DH is a little iffy about the reasons but it would take an understanding of the bizarrely similar roads mine and my sisters lives have taken. Kassidy was her 6th baby - 3rd daughter. We both had a girl and a boy with our xh - then girl, two boys and another girl with our current husband/partner. She even suffered traumatic blood loss in a miscarriage when I had my pregnancy with Lyta that ended with a severe pph. All most all of our pgs have been 'synchronous'.

I am not a religious person - but I was praying for a boy. I don't think I have ever sounded so unhappy to a sonographer. I wasn't disappointed - I am scared. I have been for a while - thats why I am here at BB. I always figured that I have to do it all different to her, change whatever the hell I have to to protect my baby. I am not even sure how I am going to sleep for the first year.

Normally I would be more rational about these things - even with the pph/mc, I still have my baby (not meant as bad as that sounds and I am terribly sorry if it upsets anyone)... I am trying to be positive, I really am - but this fear is eating away at me. The closer I get, the worse it gets. I guess its why a lot of the information I am taking on and involving myself in atm revolves around my beautiful nieces short life.

I do many things differently to her. She is a 'safe sleeper' and I co-sleep. She goes formula and I try desperately to bf for as long as possible. She prams, I sling.

So why am I so still scared? - and how can I deal with it before my baby gets here? How am I to cope when she does? What else can I do to help put my mind at ease? Any advice, no matter how small or insignificant it seems would be seriously appreciated right now.