Telling best friend & LTTTC'r you are pregnant

**Sab** · May 16th, 2014, 10:56 AM

Here is a little of our story...

DH and I have been trying to a baby for 3 years and early this year we learned that his brother and our new sister in law were having their first baby. I took the news badly, I didn't want to see them or talk to them or anything, it took me ages to get over it. I was so mad they had only been married since October and now they were starting their family and didn't even have to wait. It seemed so unfair. I remember DH telling me at the time that it would be okay and that our time would come blah blah, all the things people tell you to try and make you feel better. Personally that doesn't work for me.

Anyways so in April this year DH and I got referred to TasIVF and we had an appointment booked for the 25th May. About a week after making the appointment my period was late. I didn't get excited because I knew that my periods were irregular and that DH has the trifector of sperm issues. About a week later I caved in and did a pregnancy test fully expecting my billionth BFN

Much to my surprise it was a BFP!!!!! I cried for ages ad I finally calmed down enough to call DH and tell him.

One of the first things we talked about that night was how we were going to tell our really good friends, who we were hoping would agree to be the godparents of our bub. These are our closest friends, Nic was the matron of honour at our wedding and her husband has also been a good friend of our family for years. The have also been trying to have a baby for over 18 months and we used to talk a lot about TTC. They have now gone through 5 failed FET and its heartbreaking to see how worked up about TTC they are. I can fully relate to that because I was the same, once that maternal instinct kicks you in the guts its hard when you try and try and nothing happens for so long and then you see all these other people who just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.

I am so excited and happy to finally get my BFP and I really want to share the news with everyone but I am worried that it would do more damage at the moment as they are going through some really bad times with TTC. I don't want to rub it in their face but at the same time if it was me, I would want to know.

So finally after all that my question to you ladies is, How do you tell them? Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? What was their reaction? Would you want to wait until everyone finds out or be told first?

TIA xxx

**myturn** · May 16th, 2014, 01:39 PM

I would want to know first, the best times I have had pregnancy announcements have been when the person went out for lunch with me and told me 1:1... It was nice, and allowed me to feel upset if I needed too. Which I usually didn't.

My sister told me last cause it was too hard for her and it hurt sooooo badly. Don't avoid telling them, and don't do it too excitedly either. Even acknowledging how hard it is, but you wanted to share that you are pregnant. It's hard. But don't wait.

Having said all that... It's possible that whichever way you do it, it won't be right for them. Everyone is different. Knowing the best way is hard. I have read some stories where people want to be told by text - but to me that is disrespectful. Only you know your friends so only you know how to do it. Whatever happens, try to be okay with their reaction whatever way it is.

**myturn** · May 17th, 2014, 10:44 PM

**Andie78** · May 17th, 2014, 11:15 PM

I'm one of the ones that preferred to be told by text. This allowed me to be upset, process it & then contact the lucky person in my own time & congratulate them without crying. I get that it might seem impersonal, but for me it worked. I would have been uncomfortable if my sister took me out to lunch & sprung it on me there (luckily she didn't...). Like myturn said, everyone's different & you will be the best person to gauge what might work best with your friend.

Also, don't wait. Even though she might be upset (not bc you're pregnant, just bc she's not...) it would be worse if she found out from someone else. Ttc is isolating enough without being made to feel like you aren't included in regular things/events (preg/birth announcements, bday parties etc) bc people are trying to spare your feelings. It hurts, but hurts more being left out.

**{Rach}** · May 17th, 2014, 11:17 PM

Tell her yourself first. She will be hurt if you don't. My bestie tried for 6 years. I fell pregnant by accident and then had a second child before she had her first and I always told her straight up.
Her sister in law let her find out through someone else and she was so hurt. Yes it will be hard for her to hear and for you to tell
Her and she will probably be upset and won't want to know the ins and outs of your pregnancy but that's understandable.

**Joeve** · May 18th, 2014, 12:25 AM

Tell her via phone or text. I always preferred that so I didn't have to plaster a smile on my sad face.
She might not want all the details. Rejoice in the special time you are blessed with now just rejoice less openly around her but don't just never mention anything baby related to her, as I remember that feels weird too.
She will be happy for you I'm sure x

**myturn** · May 18th, 2014, 04:10 AM

To me, it's funny how you guys are so comfortable with phone, but especially text. To me it's totally disrespectful - I figure if I have to go through this difficult journey and put one a brave face at difficult occasions - the least my closest friends can do is deal with my sadness if it happens. Especially if they acknowledge how hard it was "i know this is hard for you, but I am pregnant". It felt like in person they were saying, "I know you, I know your journey, an is am here for you. I'll sit with you in the sadness if it comes and I won't judge you for it. I'm prepared to do this the hard way for you, cause I know that this is even harder for you than it is for me".

Perhaps it is something LTTTCers and their close friends should talk about before they get pregnant.... That way everyone knows what way will suit them when the time comes. It makes if very tricky for people to just 'know' as there are so many options. Perhaps what is more important is the words you choose when you say things, rather than the "how".

**Sab** · May 18th, 2014, 07:30 AM

Thanks everyone. I'm sure my BFF would prefer the in person approach. I will try and catch up with her today. :-)

**myturn** · May 18th, 2014, 08:31 AM

Thanks everyone. I'm sure my BFF would prefer the in person approach. I will try and catch up with her today. :-)

Good luck!

**Mumma T** · May 18th, 2014, 05:45 PM

Hope it all went ok

**Sab** · May 18th, 2014, 05:53 PM

Thanks for your advice. I told her today. I sat down and said to her that I had news and she guesses right away. She was really good about it. I told her that I know what she's going through and I understand that she's happy for us but miserable for herself.

We talked heaps and I said to her we were worried about telling her and she straight out said she was glad we told her in person and right away. She said when people call or text them it seems like they try and take the east way out so they don't have to deal with their pain.

I'm glad it's over and we have agreed to not post it all over FB and respect that it's hard for me hem and we won't be offended if they seem withdrawn and like they don't want anything to do with us.

They said they would be thrilled to be godparents too. I hope they get their BFP soon. It's hard not being able to be excited around then but I do know and respect why.