This is probably going to come out all rambling and not make much sense but I really need to vent about it.

This morning, AF arrived for the first time since Charlie's birth, and my first instinct was to call my Fertility Clinic. I realise that I have become so indoctrinated into the idea that my cycles, my fertility and my body are part of this huge medical process that this is considered 'normal' for me now.

When I realised I didn't have to call my clinic, I initially thought it was funny. But now, a creeping sadness has come over me. I realise that another thing I have become very used to feeling is that every month where my body is ovulating is another month of being able to potentially have a baby. It is really sad for me to realise that from now on, many months will pass without TTC, that my eggs will be going to waste, that time is passing me by.

I am suddenly angry with DH for not wantng to do an FET now, for even thinking about wanting to stop.

But I know it's not a good time for us to try again. I just can't let go of 4 years of TTC mindset, 13 months of living and breathing IVF. I can't look at AF the same way again, as just a monthly inconvenience while I carry on with the rest of my life, after all we've been through.

Maybe it'll pass with time, but for now, it's almost too much to bear, this incredible pull to do something!

Anyway thanks for listening. I put this here in the hopes that I don't upset any of the LT girls with this.