I guess this is on my mind lately as it was ANZAC day last year when we had the egg collection that gave us Samuel, but I'm finding myself thinking a lot on what to actually do with our remaining embryos.

To start with - I'm not in any hurry to try for number 2. I'm on some serious medication which I need to be on for around 12 months, and then off for at least 3 and preferably 6 months before we are even able to start trying again, so it's not something that's on the agenda any time soon.

I'm also not entirely sure I want to have another baby. For now, Samuel is enough because he is more than we ever thought we'd have... And do I really want to go through morning sickness, severe anemia and face premature delivery again? Do I really want to put myself through the struggles to breastfeed again? At this stage that's a definite no.

But... We have two frozen embryos. I can't just throw them out or donate them to science - they simply are not options for us, and we knew that before we started. We did say before we started that any embryos we can't/won't use would be donated to another couple, but I feel VERY differently about that now that Samuel is here. Especially in the light of how I felt when I found out that I was expecting a boy. I couldn't love my little boy more, but I suspect I will always long for a daughter (yes, at the same time as not really wanting another child - strange, I know!) and I just don't know how I'd cope if I found out that someone had a girl from one of our embryos.

So... the logical step is to work myself up (and I've got about 18 months to do it, so plenty of time) to the point where I DO want another child and go back and have my last embryos transferred.

But... There's always another but... I am absolutely positively certain that I will NOT go through another egg collection. When I've had three and had OHSS to varying degrees with all three and been hospitalised with it, I'm just not putting myself through it again and leaving Sam with a mother unable to care for him for months because she's got so sick...

So how do I convince myself that I want another child enough to be able to go back for those last embryos? But not so much that I won't be able to stop if they don't work?

I really can't decide where the stats point with us. Out of 5 embryo transfers I've had 4 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages... I've got a good chance that an embryo will take, but it seems just as good a chance that I will miscarry (apart from the fact that we now know which combination of drugs worked in getting us to almost term with Samuel). On the other hand, of 11 frozen embryos, only 4 have ever defrosted to be usable. But they were all blastocysts and we have two day three embryos frozen and I wasn't hyperstimulated anywhere near as badly for these ones as I was for the other...

I feel like I can run around and around in circles and get nowhere. I'm not even entirely sure what I'm asking or thinking at the moment, I just know that I've got to get this out of my head and hopefully get some feedback on it. I also feel kind of silly worrying about this now as the point where we do anything about it at all is a long way into the future...

BW