Bonding after a loss

[SweetPea]

I was just wondering how long it took you to bond with the baby in your pregnancy after suffering a loss. I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant and feel like I haven 't really bonded, its like I have tried not too get too attached to the idea incase something goes wrong. I had my morphology scan two days ago and thought I may feel better after that and seeing baby is healthy but I still haven't felt better. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, I generally love being pregnant, but I'm struggling emotionally at the moment.

[skybie]

Honestly, i still dont think ive fully bonded. We've had so many ups and downs with this pregnancy that my confidence has gone up and down with it.
i have read though, that those who struggle to bond when pregnant have no issues bonding once bubby is born.
Glad to hear all is well with your baby

[Miss.B]

Hun I'm really sorry for your loss To be quite honest, pg after a loss is so so stressful, there is unfortunately nothing you can do, but keep thinking positive thoughts and try and enjoy every day of it. My pg after I lost Josh was very stressful and it wasn't until after the 30 week mark that I started to relax. I've made a decision as soon as I got pg the second time to try and enjoy it as much as possible, because I think I took a lot of things for granted with my first pg, and I wanted to bond and enjoy my baby as much as possible in case something else went wrong and then I would have regrets that I didn't want to bond and get to know my baby. Hope that made sense....

Congratulations on your new bubba and GL with your pg hun. I know it's not fun having these thoughts that something might go wrong. We can only hope and pray for the best outcome. Big hugs xox

[Razzberry]

I have only had an early loss at 8.5 weeks, but have had stressful pregnancies where they find problems with my babies. I felt very detached from my DD while pregnant but then bonded once she was born. With this pregnancy, I feel distant too, We just had a scan today to check out a possible problem with his kidneys and all looks good at the moment, though I still find myself feeling a bit detached. I think when you have experienced loss and/or complications it can take the joy away even though you want to feel good about it as walls are put up to protect ourselves.
Best wishes for your current pregnancy

[LionsandBears]

The only way was to consciously try.

After my first mc, I had a hard time bonding with DS1. He wasn't very active, but I think I was just stressed. When he died, I really regretted that I'd wasted so much energy in fear of losing him. It made no difference, we lost him anyway.

When pregnant with DS2, I tried hard to talk to baby, to sing to him. I wanted to cherish every moment we had, no matter how few. He was a very active baby anyway, so it made it easier. Even then, it wasn't until we found out he was sick and that he was a boy, that I really started to bond. We lost him and no trying to protect my heart made a lick of difference there either.

I have heard that if you have ante-natal depression, it makes you more at risk for post-natal depression. That it can be harder to bond after birth if you dont start during pregnancy. I wouldnt beat yourself up about it though. You will bond with baby, either now or later. Many men dont bond with baby until after they're born and that seems to be fine. Maybe let your care takers know to keep an eye out for PND afterwards.

I used to love playing music to my babies whilst having a bath and singing to them. Maybe that might help you.

[skybie]

Ive been rubbing Gaia baby massage oil on my belly when im in a good mood and when i talk to bub, i plan on using it on her when she's here, they say that scents can bring back memories, so by using it when im happy, im hoping it'll put me in a good space with her.

[Lisa]

I fell pregnant with DS2 3 months after losing Noah. I was planning to not bond with him at all in order to protect myself. At 9 weeks, I started to have some bleeding and worried I would lose him. I decided then and there that I wanted my baby so much and wanted to bond with it as much as possible. If something did go wrong, I wanted the baby to know how much it was loved & wanted, just like Noah.
Eventually he was born and I would say that the bond I have with him is phenomenal! I am very protective of all my babies, but especially the 3 that I've had since losing Noah.

I hope you're able to be able to to bond with your unborn bub soon

[SweetPea]

Thank you for all your replies, it's nice to know that I'm not alone and yet sad that so many have suffered losing a child. I think I have just put up these barriers to protect myself if something happens. I've only just in the last couple of days felt strong enough to let most of my family know, I feel very protective of myself and the baby, like it's just for me and I'm not ready to share it with everyone yet (does that make any sense?!) I have booked in to see the psychologist I saw after my last m/c in early January, so hopefully having someone to talk to outside of my family will help me. I was also thinking that finding out the sex may help with the bonding, I'm positive it's a boy, its driving me crazy now not knowing for sure - I never found out with the others, but this is a different journey and I think it may help me. I was just cuddling DS1 to sleep and he rolled over cuddled up to me and whispered sleepily 'mummy, I'm so excited about the baby' made my heart melt, must hold onto these kind of happy thoughts, this is a new baby and part of our family.

[RockingBaker]

I think knowing gender helps with the bonding process. I'm so sorry you are going through this x