Thank you for all your replies, it's nice to know that I'm not alone and yet sad that so many have suffered losing a child. I think I have just put up these barriers to protect myself if something happens. I've only just in the last couple of days felt strong enough to let most of my family know, I feel very protective of myself and the baby, like it's just for me and I'm not ready to share it with everyone yet (does that make any sense?!) I have booked in to see the psychologist I saw after my last m/c in early January, so hopefully having someone to talk to outside of my family will help me. I was also thinking that finding out the sex may help with the bonding, I'm positive it's a boy, its driving me crazy now not knowing for sure - I never found out with the others, but this is a different journey and I think it may help me. I was just cuddling DS1 to sleep and he rolled over cuddled up to me and whispered sleepily 'mummy, I'm so excited about the baby' made my heart melt, must hold onto these kind of happy thoughts, this is a new baby and part of our family.