Girls ,
Thankyou so much for your support-it actually makes me tear up. I'm so scared, i have my thorough ultrasound booked for tommorow. I have had the midwife call me today to give me a run down of everything that will happen tommorow as i will be seeing about three different specialists. i'm starting to feel a bit like a lab rat.
I don't want to think"Oh woe is me" but why?? Didnt i already have enough to deal with, i think my last bloods havent been good either as the itching has started and i have to see my ob/gyn tommorow too. I called my sister in a bit of a panic,saying why are there all these people involved in my care? "Do they know something they don't want to divulge over the phone?" Something worse than the talipes?Because they did say earlier that it could be more complicated. I cant stop fretting, but my little boy keeps kicking away almost to say I'm here mummy and I'm ok. God i love him so much,so so much. i need him and want him so much and I'm so scared for him. I feel like i have already failed him by giving him such a difficult start in life. It's so unfair on him. Funny though i keep thinking of names and nothing ever dawns on me. Yet yesterday a new name popped into my head and when i said ETHAN out loud-he kicked. Maybe a sign of approval. I looked up Ethan on the net and it means solid and enduring. How appropriate. He will sure need to be both. My sister made me cry a little because she said "Pauline-sure this child will have challenges and adversity-more so than his peers,but you forget one vital component!He has you;and you are the most wonderful mummy i know" He is not disadvantaged;he is blessed to have you.I am very lucky to have her as my support person. I worry that when i go into labour and its time to push that i will hesitate for fear of seeing him. I think i will just say show me his beautiful face and his heavenly eyes and wrap his legs so i cant see. then just wait till i'm alone and process things in my own time. I'm just praying its nothing worse than this. What is it that Kanye says;that, that don't kill me will only make me stronger. If its one thing i promise to pass on to my son it will be a fighting spirit. God help anyone who denegrates or laughs at him or condems me. People can be very unkind of differences. The looks of pity;I'm not sure i can hold my tongue. I will want to defend and protect him so much. C'mon lil boy stay strong and keep on fighting for your mumma.