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Thanks Jen. No you didnt upset me at all in your last post. :)
It is good to hear the views of others and I have been wondering if PND is an issue for me - I am sure if you asked my husband he would probably say yes.
I know that at times I have felt like I need to cope with all this on my own, but come Monday I am going to look into counselling. Thanks.
Just thought I'd add a link to an archived thread from a last year.
https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...hp/t-2522.html
Jemima I understand your feelings having recently given birth to my third son. I never expected that I wouldn't have a daughter, and I am still sad in a way that I tried every trick suggested to sway the balance in favour of concieving pink but I got a blue one.
Having said that I don't love my boys any less either.
After swearing black and blue that three bubbas would be it I find myself thinking about trying again, JIC there is a girl for me. Caleb is only 8 weeks old though so I've got plenty of time to ponder it.
*ETA* it was interesting for me to look back on this thread from last year and see the post I made https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...2&postcount=57
BTW I am an aunty to two gorgeous little girls now :)
Thanks Sammi-j for the link to the old posts. I have only just started to read through them all, but am already finding them theraputic.
:hug:
I have 3 boys and have been happy each time.. I thought that with my 3rd I may have liked a girl but when they announced he was a boy I was so happy. We are now trying for bub 4 and even though I wouldn't mind a girl this time I would be ecstatic with another boy
I would like to say i am sorry if anyone has been offended by a reply thread of mine re- my parents parents could not have kids and i am adopted etc etc. (it has been edited by Christy.) I had a message from Christy to say people were offended by this. I feel that it was my opinion and i feel very strongly in regards to this opinion. I in no way meant to offend anyone and i feel that i have been picked on as to me this was not an attack on anyone at all!
Jen
Jen
we love you!!
I wasnt offended by your post.
:hug:
Jen, I'm sure Christy didn't mean to make you feel picked upon - she's far too nice for that :) . I hope you'll understand that we try to keep this forum as supportive and freindly as possible. This means that when people post about feelings and issues relating to conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting we expect other members to be understanding and tactful. The example we give in our forum guidelines is that a member going through IVF doesn't want to have another member replying to thier post about thier struggle to concieve saying that they fall pregnant just by looking at thier DH. That's a differant thread. This poll and Jillian's archived thread was created for those who are dealing with issues relating to the gender of thier babies. Many women (and men) have difficulty discussing this topic because its often considered to be not PC to have a gender preference. Our emotions aren't always PC but we should still have a space in which to express them safely. Of course Mums (and Dads) will love thier babies no matter what gender they are and every baby is a treasure but these facts don't diminish the disapointment that some people may feel when faced with the discovery that thier baby isn't the gender that they ordered.
Most of us have strong opinions in matters related to our children but sometimes its best if we air them in a differant thread. In most cases where I disagree with the contents of a thread I will simply not post.
With all due respect moderators but isn't Belly Belly a place were you can express how you feel and if you do strongly feel about something then you can express it........ I feel that editing a post by a moderator that is not attacking anyone is disrespectful to the person who wrote it. I also feel that moderators if they are to edit something due to a complaint or someone offended by a persons post then the person who wrote that post should have a right to know who was offended so that they can apoligise personally to them.
If you read Kelly's first thread it does say " Some couples try for a very long time to conceive and either gender is a blessing for them - this topic is not intended to upset those couples."It is purely to see what feelings men and women really experience throughout conception and pregnancy.This poll is totally anonymous, so please feel free to answer honestly, and you are welcome to comment if you so wish. I have answered honestly and have commented honestly.
Don't get me wrong here but i need to air this out and i am sure alot of others will agree with me! I am not tryng to cause an argument here at all i am just venting my feelings. You are welcome to move this post if you wish too.
Jen
This could sound really silly but do you think there are any ways of guarding yourself against gender disappointment? I say this because i'm preg with no 2. I have one perfect little daughter and a lot of people have commented on how we must be 'hoping' for a boy this time around. I'm almost ashamed to admit it - and kind of feel really selfish and shallow, especially since we came very close to losing Ella, so the sex definately shouldn't be a concern...just a healthy baby. But i would really love another girl - and so would my DH. Perhaps because we adore Ella so much and just don't know any differently???? Anyway - we are very keen to find out the sex and i'm wondering how to guard myself against disappointment if i am blessed with a son. Again - i'm not saying that i would love him any less..i'm sure you all understand that - but would just feel incredibly guilty for having those thoughts. Any suggestions?
Rae, of course you wouldn't love a son any less. Its possible to be crazy about your bubba whilst still mourning that your gender dream won't come true. Maybe if you're worried about how you will feel about having a boy you could arm yourself with a list of positives about a son ie the sex talk is your DH's responsibility (that's how I see it anyway lol), he will provide Ella with a valuable insight into the weird workings of the male mind, you won't have to pay for bras, pads or tampons, he (probably) won't want to borrow your clothes....... I'm sure you can think of your own list.
I agree with Dach, Rae, think of all the things that a son can bring to your family, like carry on the family name for one, the sports that boys can play that girls generally don't, the toys that your DH will absolutely LOVE buying for him (trust me, every adult male reverts to about 8 years old when it comes to buying toys for boys!), A boy wont spend 2 hours on the phone to a friend that they have just spent 6 hours at school with. I could go on and on and on about the joys that both sexes can bring to a family.
Ha - great suggestions!!! No you're right - i'll start to focus on some of that stuff. I would definately love a son at some stage - i loved having brothers and thought it was an important part of my development growing up with both sexes..just with these two being so close i would have loved 2 girls. But then again my bro and i were only 18 months apart and are still very close. I think i might just start mentally preparing myself that there's a strong chance that i am having a son (i'm too easily referring to bub as she) so then it's not a big shock. Thanks for the feedback - it has helped :)
OMG that's so true!! Every time we go to **** Smith or a toy shop DH finds something that Yasin and Imran really really want and can't live without LOL. Its usually something totally age innappropriate with shiny wheels or tiny parts (think Mechano sets, remote controls, model helicopters):rolleyes::
Rae little boys offer the most beautiful and tender love and the love that you feel for them is overwhelming..there is no other male in the world apart from your DH that you will love this much! I feel so blessed to have all 3 of my precious precious girls but it has completed us being able to share the joy of having a son and brother for the girls in our lives.
Jo
So true - and my DH is a real blokey bloke and dreams of building a car with his son, teaching him the blokey skills he has learnt and doing the whole sports thing with him (even though we'll be doing that with our girls too - but it's different i guess for a guy). And i also see the closeness my mum and my youngest brother have - on a different level to what us girls have with her so that'd be nice for me to experience too. Besides if i think back to when i was teaching my favourites (hehehe - yep not supposed to have faves but i couldn't help it) were always boys for some reason.
No worries Rae. I am worried how I will feel if we have another baby and it is a girl, so worried that I will find out what gender the baby is beforehand, because I feel that I will need time to adjust and to get the house organised to accommodate three girls, that sort of thing mainly. But I have no doubt that I would love another daughter if that's what we have.
I feel lucky to have the children that we have because we get to experience both worlds. I think that the bond that siblings share transends their ages and genders - no matter what they are siblings for life.
Gee i'm glad i decided to brave up and post in here - hehehehe. I was feeling really guilty about it all but am already honestly feeling more positive. I'm glad to have got it out in the open now as i've still got some time before we are able to find out the sex to really process all the positives of both sexes. Thanks girls...God love BB!
I think that no matter how happy you are with what you have, there will always be a part of you that will wonder what it would be like if things turned out differently.
Rae, I so understand what you said. I know that the ultimately the one thing which matters the most is that my baby is healthy...but I know that both DH and I would prefer to have a boy (I think because a little like you, I know what it's like to have a boy and I love how they love their mums :D) and with the ultrasound coming up next week we're still undecided if we should find out the sex now in case we need some adjustment time or what....obviously we would love the baby either way but it does make you feel a bit horrible doesn't it.
I think no matter how happy you are with what you have, there will always be a part of you that will wonder what it would be like if things turned out differently.
Sherie, I can totally relate to that and it is so true, that is exactly how I feel.
I have 5 beautiful boys and am pg with number 6 and I love my boys with all my heart and wouldn't change my life in any way, I am very happy with my boys but I will always wonder what it would be like to have a girl and have that close mother/daughter relationship that I had always wanted.
I won't be upset and thnking about it every day but every now and then the thought will be there.
Oh well, I will just have to hope that my boys pick nice girls to marry so I will have lots of DIL's.:)
Take Care
Michelle
This is DF and my first bub, for some reason right from the very start we are both certain it is a boy! We even call it 'he' my family does also.
As DF wants the sex to be a surprise, we won't be finding out by U/S the gender.
After reading these posts, I think I had better really start reffering to bub as well 'bub' as all this talk of 'him' may come as a big shock in 6 months when he could become she :eek:
Do you think there is anything to be said about gut instincts and what you are carrying?
I must admit when I was trying to fall pg with Charlie, with 5 long years of TTC and then 8 cycles of IVF, it really didn't matter to me whether I had a boy or girl, coz we'd just been trying for so long that I was grateful no matter what sex it was.
But despite knowing that having another baby would be equally difficult as having Charlie, and would definitely involve IVF and all it's emotional, financial and physical difficulties, I reckon that if I ever fell pregnant again, I would certainly be hoping it was a girl. I would love another boy as much, but I do think I would be the teeniest bit disappointed.
And that's being painfully honest, coz I for one know what it's like for a LTTTC to want a baby, any baby. But I definitely qualified as a long termer, and I reckon even I could experience gender disappointment!
I have 5 boys and I have just recently found out that I might be having a girl(99.9%)at my 20wk u/s. I am over the moon but am still finding it hard to believe.
I was happy if it was either but now that I think it is a girl if it grows little boy bits between now and the birth I can honestly say I will be devestated and very disappointed.
Take Care
Michelle
Hi Michelle:hello:
Wow you must have your hands full with 5 boys, I think they have given you pretty good odds of having a girl, so good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, I hope that when I fall pregnant again I will have a boy, but as long as it is healthy that is all that matters.
Take Care:)
I've posted in this thread before about gender anxiety and I'm an IVF mother. These feelings still occur in those of us who have tried for many years for a baby.
Babushka, yes I believe that gut feelings are so often right. I just knew ours was a boy right from the start and really wasn't surprised when the ultrasound operator confirmed it.
Mel, I thought C was a girl for the better part of my pg! Shows you how off my instincts have become! Lol! And have gone back to read your other posts on the subject, and am feeling a better about hoping for a girl next time. Thank you.
And BTW congrats Michelle on the 99.9% probability that you're going to have a girl!
Caro, everyone is entitled to their feelings about certain topics and you shouldn't be ashamed of the way you feel at times or feel that you are selish.
People probably think I am a horrid person because of the way I am feeling at the moment if this baby happens to be a boy especially since I am very lucky and have 5 beautiful boys already but this is a thread about gender disappointment and this is where our feelings are most accepted and understood by others who feel the same.
Take Care
Michelle
Michelle, that is fantastic news for you hun. Of course I know a litltle boy would be perfect for you. But how exciting is it to know you have a little pink bundle all tucked up inside you. Do you think you will have another scan to be 100% sure?? I know that I did with Tehya, I had to be mentally prepared I think.
I had 2 boys, then a girl, which i always knew was going to happen. Thats the way its always been in Dh's family, so i wasnt too bothered. But my SIL refuses to have the 3rd child, as she believes she will break tradition and have a third boy, and she is afraid she will acutally reject the baby... She was so mad at me when i found out i was having a girl at my 19w u/s... but now she's sticking with 2, and spoils her niece instead.
I have posted in here before about feeling a upset that I had missed out on having a baby girl - well that was before I got pregnant unexpectedly for the third time. Now I am feeling so stressed about whether or not I am having a girl or a boy.
Obviously I would dearly love a girl and there will be some disappointment if I have another boy (gee I feel bad saying that) but everyone is placing all this added stress on me by saying you will definitely have a girl its fate and the heartbeat means it has to be a girl and you need to find out the sex to prepare yourself (we have said we are not going to find out) and I feel like all these people will pity me if I have another boy as they know I wanted a girl and I dont want them to feel that way. If I have another boy I will love him so much and there are so many positives to having three boys. I feel so stressed about this.
There are pros and cons for us to finding out the sex - if it is a girl YAY and if it is a boy it could potentially be a very long pregnancy. This post sounds really bad and I hope people dont think I am horrible but I just needed to get some of this off my chest.
I am sick of people talking about the fact that I will definitely have a girl casue I may not. I am reading into everything that is being said to me such as the sonographer called the baby a he at the end of the 12 week scan and when I asked her about it she said she refers to the baby as a he rather than it - which is fair enough but I cant get this comment out of my head - I keep going definitely a boy !! Then the heartbeat indicates it is a girl - which I know is an old wives tale so I am going between feeling like it is a boy to a girl and I feel like i am going insane!!
Sorry for this long post but this has been playing on my mind for ages to the point where I feel sick when I think about it. Gee I sound a bit unstable - just joking LOL!!!!
Hope this makes sense.
Thanks
Jem
Thanks Caro. It makes be feel so much better to think that I am not the only one out there feeling this way. It kind of becomes all consuming and at the moment I cant seem to think about anything other than this pregnancy so then there is the guilt of feeling like I am not giving my everything to DS1 and 2. But thats a totally different story!!!
I am so glad that you dont let peoples comments get to you - I think I need to develop a bit of a tougher skin and not let things get to me. You would think that people would realise that making all of these girl comments puts huge amounts of stress on me. My mantra will now be "I will not let these comments get to me" and I will have to repeat this over and over LOL!!!
Not that I was ever one to dream from a young age about having children, but when I did think about having children I never ever imagined that I would not have a girl and I am now faced with a very real possiblity that this may happen. If I have a boy I wll love him desperately but gee wizz a girl would be nice!!!
Thanks again.
Jem
We have 1 son, and when I fell pregnant with # 2 I desperately wanted a girl, and I was convinced this one was a girl, but ultrasound proved me wrong!!! I thought I would be so dissapointed, but when she said is definately a boy, there was no dissapointment whatsoever, I immediately thought how wonderful for Jackson to have a little brother so close in age to him, and remembered all the wonderful things I love about having a boy. I can't wait to have a little troup of them now. We will be having another child down the track, but not so we can try for a girl, as so many people suggest to us, but because I know now I really would be happy with all boys!
Min, I was the same as you. Really wanted a girl and was convinced I was having a girl until the ultrasound confirmed that I was having another boy. I didn't know how I was going to react if it was a boy but when the lady said that it was definately a boy I was ok. It was all my family and friends reaction that made me disappointed. I had lots of reactions like " Oh that's terrrible news" and "You must be really disappointed". It makes me think that for some people gender disppointment is made worse by the comments of others.
who the hell would say "that is terrible news" to someone! That is awful, it is sooo not other peoples place to make comments like that!
I've just had my 20 week ultrasound and was told by the radiologist that we're having a girl (80-90% certainty). My husband and I have been believing for a boy since we got married 7 years ago. We've both had some fertility issues and it has taken over 3 years just to conceive but on hearing that news this morning I was crushed and have been crying all day. I'm experiencing some very conflicting feelings and the joy of having a child has vanished. I don't want a girl, never have and never believed I would. I'd rather give it away. Am I the only one to feel like this?
OH Hun, I am so sorry that you feel this way. Trust me when I say that one day you will look back and wonder how you can think these things.
I was the opposite though, I was wanting the girl and got 3 very gorgeous boys before getting my princess.
Your baby needs you as her mother, you are the one that has been chosen to do such a job. Your little girl will love you like no other can, and soon enough you too will feel the same for her.
Huge hugs to you sweety.
BTW, welcome to BellyBelly :)
I've had 2 girls and everyone asks if we will try for a boy next. I am unsure if I will TRY for any sex. I am happy to have another girl, but I would love to give DH a son and I would love to know what raising a boy is like so I would like a boy. But if at the 20wk US I was told it's a girl, I'd be very happy with that too
I really wanted a boy the first time and I had a precious little boy. This time I would love a girl but have a feeling its a boy. It doesn't really matter just yet as I have another couple of tries after this one. If I don't have a girl I will be disappointed but it's more important that they are healthy and live a happy life.
"It's a boy." 3 little words, that are supposed to be some of the happiest you ever hear and my world came crashing down, or at least that's how it feels right now. Intellectually I know it's far from the end of the world, but emotionally, I just can't cope right now.
I am a mother of the most beautiful girl ever (not that I'm biased!). She is 18mths. I am almost 20 wks pregnant with #2. My husband & I are currently separated. We made the decision to separate in early January and he moved out on Jan 21.
As you can imagine the past few months have been incredibly difficult. But all through it, I was so sure that I was having my 2nd girl. Another beautiful daughter. A sister for my darling girl. And I was already picturing what life would be like - me and my girls.
I found out at my ultrasound on Friday that my second child is a boy. Life as a pregnant single mum is terrifying enough. I just had no idea how hard it would hit me if this child wasn't a girl.
I never wanted 3 children. I always wanted 2. But now all I can think about is how/when I could have a third child so that I can have my 2nd girl. I can't bear to go into the room where all DD1s baby clothes are; all these beautiful little girl things that I was so certain the new baby would wear. I have virtually nothing unisex. I can't bear the thought of getting rid of them. All of my baby bedding, wraps, you name it is all girl girl girl. I have nothing for a boy.
It has been so bitter sweet playing with my DD since I found out. All I can think is "It won't be like this with a boy". I have barely been able to stop crying since Friday.
I don't want to go into any baby stores because I can't bear to see all the beautiful girl clothes and things. I couldn't be bothered thinking about a name. I just don't care at all right now.
I feel like a monster. How could I feel like this about my own baby? I feel totally disconnected from this baby, who, up until I got the news, I felt totally connected with. I was so sure I was having a girl. Even my husband thought it was a girl.
My husband has been absolutely amazing. I know he was desperately hoping for a boy and is over the moon about it; not that he has let his excitement or joy over it show at all because he knows how devastated I am. He has been so supportive. He has just let me cry and stayed with me so I won't be alone. He completely understands my despair and is totally there for me. He has even mentioned a third child, even though we are separated and at this stage it looks like we won't be getting back together!
I spent the day yesterday and today with DD and my husband, but last night had to come home about 5pm (DD was staying with her Dad; although he was more than happy to give up his weekend with her if I wanted her with me). In all honesty I just had to get away from DD for a bit. She is the most beautiful girly girl you could ever imagine. She is my life. And it was just this stabbing pain that I won't have that again with this new baby.
I am just such a mess. I don't know how to cope. I know I am grieving for the girl I am not going to have and probably will never have. I thank God I found this forum. At least I know I am not the only one, even if it feels like I am the worst mother in the world right now.
My best friend is pregnant as well and only a week behind me. She finds out what she is having on Tuesday. If she is having a girl, I really don't know how I am going to deal with it. That is making me feel sick as well. Even worse another good friend who has a DD the same age as mine is having her second child in March. I don't know what I'll do if she has a girl.
Anyway, thank you for reading this (if you still are!!). I just don't know what to do right now. I can't get excited about getting ready for this baby at all.
I know this probably sounds very superficial - the talk of clothes and the like. I think it is just too soon to really articulate the true grief and loss I am suffering in not having the girl I thought I was having.
I have read all of the posts here and have connected so much with what has been said by others; particularly Caro (I have ordered that book!). Thank you all so much for your courage in being able to express how you feel. Your words have given me hope. It is hard for me to imagine feeling differently than I do now, but I pray that in time I will.
I am just so terrified I won't bond with this child and be able to love him the way I do my DD. I am so terrified I will resent him for not being the daughter that I had so wanted. I have read other ladies say that even after their sons were born that although they loved them, the pain of not having the daughter they expected/wanted never goes away. I can't imagine living with this agony for the rest of my life.
It's all so screwed up and I never knew I was capable of such feelings. I am filled with guilt and hatred about how I feel but I just can't get past it.
Hi ladies,
I think one of the things that has come out of this thread for me is that feelings of disappointment in relation to gender are sometimes not what we think they're about. I know this was definitely true in my case. I think knowing the gender early on gave me an opportunity not only to accept it but also to get to the root of why I was having these feelings. Believe me you are not alone in feeling guilty and ashamed over them ... I think we all have at one point. It seems hard to believe at this point but when you work it out, you will get over those feelings. When your child is born, you will love them ... they will turn out to be just who you wanted. All I can say is that you've taken the first step in the right direction by acknowledging it and talking with others who've had the same feelings.
Best of luck,
Mel