Yeah look I am 40 too and spent years trying to get pregnant, its a lot to process when you actually do get pregnant and then you face -an actual baby- yikes!!!!

Let alone if your baby daddy is giving you the run around- don't you love men in their late 30's who arent sure if they are ready to commit?? It must make things very difficult, not knowing if he is going to be there or not. Its probably better to expect not much from him at this stage and prepare to be doing it mostly by yourself.

You need to find people who are willing to help you- family, friends, who can help in the early days. Is your partners family involved? ( I'm sure his mum would want to be in the baby's life??).

As for breastfeeding ( and I'm a midwife and L.C.) don't do it if you don't want to! You would be better off doing what you feel comfortable with and getting it right, rather than trying to bf and hating it. Theres no law against formula feeding from the start and if that is going to work for you- fantastic! Another alternative is expressing and bottle feeding expressed milk.

Anyway, I think its perfetly normal to feel that way, Im aure all first time mums do, let alone if they have had a difficult pregnancy etc, but in the end everyone manages.
Has the hospital got some kind of a social worker or counsellor you can talk to before or after you have had your baby? I work in a private hospital and we get a number of women in the same situation as you ( ambivalent partner who may or may not be supportive) and there are support services you can access.

Best of luck for everything, you have done a brilliant job to get this far and no doubt when you meet your baby you will fall in love with him/her, irrespective of the circumstances.
massive hugs too and i hope your partner can man up and help you for this last bit, also don't feel guilty about your feelings, anyone would be the same in your shoes xxxxxxx