Bathsheba - I think you have totally gone the right way about everything. You have voiced your concerns but you have also shown a willingness to compromise. To me, you are not being a difficult parent at all.
I also agree that the way your DD's teacher spoke to her was uncalled for. Did you actually see the teacher speaking that way or was what she said second-hand? I only ask because kids tend to exaggerate a little - especially if they are feeling uncomfortable or hard done by. It doesn't mean that your DD made it up... just that, perhaps, the teacher spoke to her in a way that she didn't mean to come across?? I know it has happened to me. I have really upset a couple of children without meaning to. Either I was insanely busy and it all came out wrong or they have misinterpreted what I meant. Still, I was glad when their parents approached me about it so that I could apologise to the child (and the parents) and explain myself.
I worked with a teacher once that had a very different style of teaching! She would say things to kids that I would never imagine saying in my wildest dreams (not in a degrading way though..) and, uno what, most of the kids responded really well to it! I had a parent put in a request for her to be her son's teacher ( due to behaviour difficulties). Yet, to an outsider, her the manner in which she teaches would seem harsh...
Anyway... my point is, sometimes pre-conceived notions get challenged once you get to know the person. I know I had a good few parents checking me out when I took over my class in term 2 last year. I knew I was being compared to the teacher I took over from (who had a good 15 years on me!). By term 3, everything settled down. By the end of the year, I can safely say I had some very happy parents that were glad I was their child's teacher!
Just remember, teachers are only human. They all have their own little quirks. Sometimes personality clashes happen... however, if your DD's teacher is truly a professional, she will adapt.